I talk about this a lot in the stream, but Twitch only allows me so much time and space to speak on it. And whilst I feel like this is a cry for attention from me. It’s more me wanting some support because it’s such a consistent issue.
Just before Christmas, December 23rd. I got into an argument with my sister. Her kids run riot all the time when they visit and it gets to me so much. The ONE night I snap, my sister screams in my face that she wishes she’d never made me godmother to her kids. All because I got mad and moved her kid away from something he shouldn’t be messing with. Like it’s my fault her kids are undisciplined. She literally lets them run riot at my/my parents house and never tells them no.
After she yelled at me, I pretty much went into autopilot. I barricaded myself in my room, and self harmed. I cut deeper than before, enough for my mother to think I’d need stitches. When she was able to get into my room, I told her I wanted to die and didn’t want anyone near me. I didn’t feel safe. I haven’t felt safe for a while. Whenever I know that my sister or the kids are coming to the house, I hide away in my room. Just as an attempt to keep myself safe.
And it’s like family don’t even care. Because sometimes they just say I’m being stupid, or to “get over it cause it’s family”
With the UK in lockdown because of Covid, I don’t really have much of a choice for anything. I can’t leave the house much, if at all. And I can’t see my friends to escape the feelings of wanting to harm or wanting to die.
This past week, I was more or less forced to sit downstairs when one of the kids came to visit. And, to keep HIM quiet, I had to sit and play Minecraft. And whilst I enjoy Minecraft, and it was kinda fun to play with him; I felt like I was putting myself in danger. I could feel my anxiety starting to kick off, and could feel myself starting to panic. But I knew I couldn’t walk away because the kid would just kick off and make it even harder for my mother to cope.
On top of all this, my father struggles. And I still can’t shake the image from my head of the night he came home from a walk and collapsed. Bleeding everywhere, and I had to call the ambulance. Something I’ve never done before, and something that caused a huge panic attack. I’d already had 5 panic attacks that week, so that incident made it 6 panic attacks. Whilst the paramdecis were inside with my father, I sat on the ground outside the house having a panic attack for over 2 hours. I didn’t really eat that night, and felt extremely unsafe.
It feels like I can’t shake any of the bad memories or experiences. And they, in turn, make it hard for me to relax, sleep, eat. Anything.
I keep thinking about harming. And how much better things would be for everyone else if I weren’t here. In the HS streams, it’s said that a change of environment is what I need. But what do I do if that’s not an option?
I just sit… and stew in my own thoughts. In my own feelings. And it just eats away at me.
I’m starting to feel more and more hopeless. And like family is turning against me more and more with each passing day.