This is the first time I ever share something like this in a public space, where people can actually read and try to help me, even if only a little. So, if you have taken time to read this, thank you.
My head is a confusion of several thoughts at the same time right now, so, I dont know exactly how to start… I guess I’ll try giving a little context of my past struggles with mental health and then explain the reason that brought me here today.
So, over the past 7 years I have struggled with my mental health. At that time, I lost my friends, was bullied and was betrayed by someone that had actually been helping through this kind of stuff. I was left completely heartbroken, kind of depressed, with more frequent and worse anxiety episodes and with bruises that would leave scars in the future (figuratively speaking)… And that’s when I started practicing self-harm. At first, it was only scratches, but, within 3 or 4 years, it became cutting (to a point in which I now have visible scars) and from that, it easily escalated to suicidal thoughts.
Two years ago, with a total of at least four suicide attempts and with several scars that showed what I had been through, I decided with a lot of effort to stop. It wasn’t easy… I had several slips in which I cut again, but somehow, I’ve managed to not do that for the past 9 months… I am better than I was before, but I still have sometimes suicidal thoughts and sometimes I pinch and bite myself to help me deal with everything (which I don’t know if it can be considered self-harm).
That’s what brought me here today… Even though I have been struggling with this for quite sometime, my parents didn’t actually notice and, due to some strongly stupidly popular opinion that runs through my family, I am unnable to seek psychological support without risking of actually being kicked out of the house. Lately, for this past few days, after a fight with my mother, in which she expressed how much of a disappointment I am to her and my father, I have been struggling again… I have had again suicidal thoughts (which I actually hadn’t had for 2 months) and I have been practicing the pinching and biting mentioned above. I feel stuck and, even though I can see a future for me, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get there and that scares me so much. I sometimes think that it would be much easier just giving up now before anything else goes wrong.
Besides that, lately I have been struggling with stress eating (in which I have times when I eat way to much and that I latter feel guilty about and stop eating for almost a whole day to compensate [which I know isn’t a good approach, but I don’t know what else to do]) and with actually feeling accepted by people around, either as friends or even something more. I am afraid they will be disappointed with me after discovering that I struggle with this kind of stuff and will push me away, just like other people have done in the past. This is the reason my username is called “BrokenOne”… because I am so broken that I don’t know if soembody will someday actually accept me for me.
If you are still here and have read this until the end, thank you for listening and please give any advice that you are willing to share.
Welcome BrokenOne, I’m so grateful to have you here and for you sharing this with us. I hope this space feels safe for you.
You’ve been through a lot, haven’t you?! Losing someone is an ache that can take seemingly so long to heal. It can be so shattering, and to have to also deal with harassment and hurt, it’s no wonder it’s its mark on your heart.
My goodness, I’m so sorry you’ve experienced the hurt that led to this place. My heart really breaks hearing that, but I’m so immensely proud of you for 9 months! You did that yourself and wow, I’m so damn proud.
I hope you can have a moment to really reflect on that and feel proud of yourself too. You deserve that victory.
I can relate to that feeling of needing to pinch or bite, I used to do it myself and while I’m sure some might see it as triggering or unhealthy, I admit it did provide some relief that held off the other kind of harm.
Since you’ve been dealing with a lot by yourself, I must say that I’m not surprised you’ve needed some sort of release.
That’s really tough and really hard to read, I hate that people have stigma around mental health. You do deserve professional support, friend. Is this something that you’d be dependant on your parents helping with financially? I do believe it would give you a world of relief to be able to talk safely and be given the right resources and tools.
You know, I had to find myself in a place where I had left my parents world before I was able to look into mental health support myself. It was a hard slog, and with it without the support of my family, I needed it for me. While it might seem easy for someone to tell you to choose yourself and to choose your mental health, I understand that there has to be a stability to be in. IE a safe place to go home to and financial stability ect. I wouldn’t expect you to leave and break that contact with your family, but I do want you to know that even when our parents cast their disapproval over us, they don’t get to place value on us. Your mother’s disappointment is her own to face, you are valued and loved. How you choose to live your life is fully your decision and nobody should be allowed to make you feel less than.
You’re not alone, I promise. Sometimes it’s a hard thing to break out of. It’s hard to retrain our minds to view eating as safe and healthy. It’s okay to have a healthy balance. Good food and good exercise and sometimes a dietician or nutritionalist helps make it feels safer to eat because they direct you to good food that your body needs. But, again they can cost money. There are online recipes for nutritious foods. Do you think you’d feel better about eating if you had that kind of input?
I know I probably didn’t have a great deal of advice to give, but I am still very proud of you and very happy you’re here
welcome to Heart Support and thank you so much for sharing and reaching out to us.
You have been through a lot in your past, you have experienced many things that won’t go easily, that always
will haunt you.
you are 9 months free of self harm. this is impressive. we are proud to hear that, i am proud of you. take a
moment for yourself to see what you did. taka a moment to be proud of yourself. you absolutely can.
with pinching i can relate, i do that a lot when i start to get stressed, when everything around me come
together and my mind starting to cycle. this is hard, it is hard to get yourself out of that situations before they
can affect you so much. to know your triggers, to be aware of them i am still learning, that takes time and
also energy. also i tend to eat when stress is having me.
mental health should be taken seriously all over the world. in my country the stigma is there and i began to my
part. in my company also. it is sad to hear that from your parents, you don’t deserve that.
these struggles are real, this struggles are serious. i struggle with the acceptance of it also, in my family and
in daily life. it should not be this way. you should have support and the respect that you deserve my friend.
reaching out here is a first step, but an important one. you spoke out what is lying on your mind.
if there is a possibility for you, to seek help maybe in form of a self help group is something you should
consider, if a therapy like you mentioned is no option.
you have come here, you have come so far in your life, stay strong, you already are. you are aware of what
you have been through. you deserve a life full of beauty and people around you that support you in any
way. in the best way possible for yourself. take care, do things that you love and find joy in the little things
in life. little things and also little steps, matter most. you have gone the first step, and it does not matter how
big a step is, or if you going straight, even a step back is something where you learn from, what matters is
that you are going. you matter, to us, to me and the people who love you. you are loved. feel hugged and
have a wonderful day my friend.
Dearest Friend, its lovely to meet you, welcome to heartsupport, Im Lisa
You have now found the place where you are accepted for you so if its ok I am going to continue to call you friend. Thank you for finding the courage to write this, I know its not easy to open up to anyone especially a group of strangers but I am so glad that you did.
Most of the people here have struggled with mental health in some way shape or form so although all of our stories are unique we have our own experiences that we can reflect on to have a better understanding of yours.
I am so sorry that you have been struggling with this for such a long time, when you are in a bad place mentally you can become a person that you don’t want to be, that you don’t recognise and that can be upsetting to others and scary for yourself and on the other end people can also see your struggle as a weakness and take advantage and yes being bullied is indeed one of those things, None of those things are your fault of course, its all part of going through this dreadful struggle that is mental health. What saddens me and I too have self harmed albeit many years ago but it feels like you are punishing yourself because you have been treated badly and that breaks my heart for you, What you really need is love, care and support not pain and scars.
With reference to your parents, that is such a sad situation, I cannot imagine how they cannot be more accepting and understanding of how you feel and what you need in order to help you, it makes more sense as to how you are feeling about yourself when you tell that part of your story but please know that even though they are your family, your blood and I am sure you love them, they are not the be all and end all of your being, if you need support, you can post here as often as you like, we are always here for you, we of course are not trained therapists and cannot do the job of one but we can support you until a time that you have the ability to be able to hopefully find a way of getting the professional help you want to have.
You sound like a beautiful person with a loving heart who just wants some peace, love, and to be heard in life and that is exactly what you deserve, suicide wont get you that but opening up, sharing, self love and care and knowing that now you have a whole community of people that hear you, love you, respect you and want to help you just might. much love Lisa. xx
@BrokenOne - let me say you are strong person to actually make the effort to find ways to cope and avoid harming yourself, those are great coping skills, you can try rubber band as well for awakening yourself.
As a mother my 16 year old daughter had said the exact same thing, feelimg disappointed, not being loved or cared for, hun to be honest is your kind playing tricks on you to make u believe this is the only way to live, is more than that. You are loved just believe it, you are smart, intelligent person, u are worthy.
Many parents won’t understand what arw suicide attempts or ideation yes is scary, only thing is u are hurting yourself. Please seek professional help and ofcourse you are more than welcome to express your feeling @Heartsupport.
You are not a disappointment just many wont understand, if people decide to walk away they were never your friends, as well many people are not educated of mental health.
You are loved
You are worthy
You are beautiful
You are smart
You are intelligent
You are strong
You are accepted
Thank you for taking time to read and answer this.
It’s not only the financial part, even though I am dependant on them that way. My parents and family in general actually think it is shameful to go to a psychologist… I’ve heard a lot of comments about the friends I keep, especially if these friends mentioned in front of them that they went to a psychologist or to therapy either at present or in the past. I have tried to fight them on this, but it seems so useless. I actually am really proud of those friends and it is because of one of them that I came up with the courage to speak here in the first place.
I’m sorry that you had to experience that too.
I actually already follow a kind of diet, a vegan one, that I have been following for the past year. I don’t know exactly what to do more. I kind of feel ashamed of my own body. When I was younger, I frequently heard comments on how skinny I was and that kind of stuff. Now, I notice that those comments aren’t made anymore and people actually comment on how much I eat, if it is too little or if it is too much. I don’t feel comfortable eating in front of people and I’ve tried restricting the food I eat and now I’ve been doing it every time.
Thank you for your kind words and for the help you gave.
I’m sorry that you can relate with that.
I actually don’t have any ideas of what my triggers are… The only thing that I do know is that most of them are related with what other people say and I can’t control that. I do know that it’s wrong to care about that kind of stuff, but I cannot not care…
I don’t think there are self-help groups where I live. At least, not that I know of and I have been trying to search for them.
Thank you for your kind words.
Of course, it is.
Yes… I actually feel like I’ve been stuck in time for the past years… I don’t recognise myself in who I was. I think that I basically had zero personality… Now, things have been going better, but there are always these hiccups that leave me completely hopeless…
Kind of… I mean, there has to be something horribly wrong with me for people to treat me this way…
Thank you for your answer.
Well, in my case, my mother actually sat me down and said all the things that I had said or done to make her disappointed in the last 4 months, including things about myself that I cannot change (like my sexuality). I do think she loves me, but she does not accept me for me.
I actually have been trying to seek it. My family just isn’t exactly helping at all with that…
Thank you for your answer.
@BrokenOne, Parents can be very not understanding especially if theyre old school, dont be ashame of yourself.
A parent will always love thwir kids no matter but wont accept certain things in life.
Yes, life can be difficult what matters is you love yourself as a human being and push yourself -you are worthy, you are love, you arw beautiful, nothing is wrong, live life to the fullest, remove negative energy, inhale the Good and exhale the bad, couple of breathe help and some relaxing music.
Youre a great person remember that, who ever dont accept and remove. Your mental health come first.
I just want to say you’re NOT broken, you’re struggling, and you’re trying SO HARD to take care of yourself with the tools and the knowledge you have.
I’m sorry that your mom doesn’t accept you or get how hard things have been for you. Can you access online help like BetterHelp? Would that be possible, so they won’t know that you’re talking to someone?
We are here for you too, and we as a community aren’t going to leave you or push you away. You’re valuable and loved for you are, just as you are. We may not be going through the same struggles as you are, but we can sit and hold your hand (virtually lol) through it. We’re here. Keep sharing, keep pouring out what you need to be heard.
We see you. We hear you. We love you.
you matter, friend.
Thank you for explaining that, I’m so sorry, and that is so awful. It’s so hard when people just deny what you’re going through. Your hurt and your feelings are so valid. You do deserve that help, you deserve to be respected and heard. You deserve to have someone listen and say that they’re going to support you.
Oh yeah, wow, I feel like I had that happen too with being skinny. The comments from everyone, maybe it was more harmful than good. People’s bodies change and hormones change. There’s so many reason people put on or lose weight as they grow older. It’s so hard, but it is really possible to find contentment. Not that it’s always good, sure there are days where it’s still a fight and still a challenge. I’ve learned to find joy in sharing meals with people. With exploring cooking and with embracing what I wear.
As wonderful as diets can be, it is also helpful to have that professional help to understand why our minds go to that place and what perspective we see ourselves from.