Trying to navigate "normal"

[Kayla]

This is going to possibly make a lot of sense or no sense at all. Let’s see how it goes…

A few months ago I was finally assessed by the Mental Health team due to how much of a danger I was becoming to myself with my mood constantly being at a rock bottom… I’m talking, I was constantly thinking about ways I could kill myself or self harm/relapse without hurting the people I loved.
As a result of the assessment, we found out that my GP has been treating me incorrectly since I was 15. Now at 23, we found out that instead of depression, I’m Bipolar.

About 3 weeks ago I started on a new medication… An anti-psychotic that is used to treat Bipolar, and it has stabled out my move so much. I was having major meltdowns every day, and since taking these, I haven’t had 1. However, this means there’s a lot of moods and mindsets that I’ve been dealing with that I have no experience with, and don’t know how to handle. Honestly, it’s more terrifying than when I was in the constant suicidal state.

So, the things I’m talking about are just “simple” things like… Being bored, feeling a little sad about something, frustrated and even grief… I’m still grieving over losing my dog a little under a year ago. On those days I’ve feeling a little low/sad, I don’t really have energy to enjoy things Every single one of these came with an extreme meltdown before, and now… It’s like… When I feel any of those things, I’m WAITING, for the urge to harm, or the urge to make up a suicide plan.
How do I deal with these things? What can I do so I’m not just WAITING for that major drop?

I know that being stuck in the house, it’s going to be harder to adjust than it would be if I were able to go out and do things, but all this change in my mental state is scaring me, and although I keep being reassured that this is what someone who ISN’T battling the things I spent 23 years battling feel, I could use some help to navigate these “normal” emotions.

Kayla

[Micro]

@Kayla

From someone who’s not bipolar, I personally find your questions and the experience that you share very interesting and important. So, thank you for your post. Because it questions things that can be “natural” to me, such as you said: “normal emotions”.

I don’t know if there are concrete answers at this point, except a lot of time, patience and grace for yourself. I mean, you’ve been navigating in feelings, habits, ways to cope during many years. Your mind, your heart, your soul, you are used to those. And right now is a time of transition for you. It will indeed take some time for you to get rid of that wait for a major drop. Somehow, you are learning to know yourself in a different way. And you’ll built this knowledge day by day.

It’s obviously not the same, but I’ve felt some similar things when I started to be free of eating disorders. At least, not in the automatic/destructive way I was used to experience them. It became such an automatism to me to just cope with… life itself, and with such a large range of emotions, that I actually had to learn again what “normal feelings” mean. It was not that rollercoaster of emotions + destructive ways to cope anymore. It was more peaceful, constant and… as weird as it sounds, it was really stressful to navigate in those “soft” emotions. Because I didn’t recognize myself. And I felt like something was missing. Now, with time, I wonder if there was not just a part of grief in this process. Which would be totally natural.

I know my reply is not really of a great help. But I really think that what you’re experiencing is absolutely normal and, indeed, a sign that you’re on a way that is healthier to you. It’s like a blank page. With 50% of letting go of things that were before, and 50% of learning how to take of yourself now.

Maybe thinking about the differences between those two mindsets could be a good start? Like: what this constant suicidal state was preventing you to do? And now, what are the things you feel like you could actually try? With no pressure or hurry to actually take a lot of actions. The idea is to move on progressively and not to burn yourself. But I guess that, reflecting on which opportunities these recent changes are giving you could be a way to actually navigate in those emotions. Maybe journaling could help too? At least to learn to identify and describe how you feel. Just like you did here in your post. It could be a way to gain more knowledge about yourself, as an observant, and welcome those feelings as they are, without any particular judgment.

For what it’s worth coming from me, I’m proud of you Kayla. And for the steps you’re taking for yourself, your mental health, your well-being. I want to believe that this is an opportunity. Something that will open new doors for you, brighter ones. It’s indeed a bit scary to dive into the unkwnown. But know that through all of this, you are loved and cared for. It’s something that will remain constant and be a solid foundation to you.

Sending love.

[anon17277947]

I love you so much, Kayla. And I am so grateful for you.
And I’m proud of you for reaching out to me yesterday. Always know that I am always open to you if you need to talk like that.
You also can text me any time. Okay? I know that there are a lot of changes going on with your new meds. And now that I know you are taking the same thing I was taking, I can better relate to you about it. Just know I’m only ever a message away.

I love you more than words can express.