so its been a wihle since i wrote here, i should have posted sooner but i dunno, its hard to explain. this sort of thing has always been difficult for me, i never quite know how to explain things, words never quite come out right. my brain seems to be slightly off-beat to evryone else, like a radio that’s not quite on the right frequency. i can’t even understand it most of the time, not sure why i would think that anyone else could.
i should start with an update i guess. i got to my 1st therapy session, ive now been to 3 in total, and so far they seem to be going really well. by the end of my first session i was able to actally speak more than 1 or 2 word answers to the therapists questions, and by the end of the second we could actually have a conversation. well, sort of. theres always quite long pauses between him asking me something, and my reply, while i try to find the words, but he is always patient and doesnt try to rush me or put words in my mouth, just lets me take my time to figure it out. he doesnt seem to mind that i dont really make eye contact, and explains things in a simple way without making me feel dumb. i do feel like its a good fit for me, and that if i keep coming, and following his advice, i should be able to make progress.
and yet, despite me having evry reason to be happy and confident with how things are going, im still in this constant battle in my head. evrything is harder than it should be. evrything takes more effort. i fell like im trying to walk through a storm in the middle of the night. winds coming at me from all sides, stumbling thriugh life with no idea where im going. im exhausted all the time. not just phisicly, but mentally and emotionly as well. but theres not really any big reason in my life for this to be so hard. like, no family drama, or major illness, or work stress, or housing worries. i dont have heaps of money, but i have enough to take care of myself and my cat, and pay bills, and even put aside a little bit each week for savings. i dont even have school or study to worry about. there isnt a legitimat reason for me to be struggling so much to just function.
i know ive never quite been “right”, ive never fitted into any of the boxes that people expect me to. ive never really made friends and social situations were always quite hard. but over the years it just got harder and harder. just walking down the main street in town and trying to see through the noise of all the traffick (i know that doesnt make sense but its the only way i can think to describe it), i feel mysef getting tighter and smaller and i feel like covering my ears and closing my eyes like a child and just hiding from the world. im in my early 30’s. my job is childcare. i cant be like this, i need to be better. i can get home from what should be described as a good day at work and be so exhausted and drained by just trying to be a functioning human that im just in tears.
i know it takes time fo therapy to work, i know things arent gonna change overnight. and i know things are gonna probly get harder before they get better, but im terrfied, like actually genuinely terrified, that im not gonna last long enough for it to happen. evry day im feeling myself get tighter and smaller and getting closer and closer to just falling apart. im tired of trying to walk through the storm. im tired of being buffeted by the wind and rain. im tired of the constant roaring thunder of the outside world, and the crashes of lightning that send me into a panic attack. im tired of trying to hold the millions of broken pieces together. im so friggen tired in evry single atom of my body and mind and soul. i just want it to stop. i just want to curl up into a ball in a dark quiet corner and just stop.