TW before reading - im gonna talk about online manipulation and harassment in this post, going into very sensitive topics.
when i was a few years younger, which was very young, i talked to this boy years older than me. he would constantly ask me for inappropriate photos, call me slurs, and force me to do stuff with him. ive been thinking about this a lot recently and i feel so so upset. for months and months he would ask me for photos and he would get so angry when i never sent them.
for peoples information, im a lesbian, he hates this about me. i used to tell him i was bisexual for the longest time, even convincing myself, just so he would stop speaking to me so horribly due to my sexuality. i would still be sexualized by him of course, but he felt like he had a chance to have me so the hatred he felt was subdued i guess?
for a very long time i couldnt even wear my hair down because i thought my own family was going to look at me like i was sexualizing myself, thinking of me as a slut. i thought wearing my hair down would make this happen, and i had to cut it all off just to be able to feel comfortable again. this man has ruined my life. i cant eat certain foods anymore around anyone because im scared to be sexualized, i cant wear normal clothing anymore because of what he said to me, etc.
ive told my mom about the online encounters before with pedophiles and people treating me very wrong. she would just ask me how far away they were, and if they were in a different country or state, then âjust ignore them, it wont be that difficult getting rid of themâ i told her about the guy im talking about in this post and she would ask me if he was good or not, and what was she expecting me to say? i was young and under manipulation, so i would tell her he was just joking about the overly sexual jokes he made about me, and she would just tell me as long as i trusted him it was ok.
for a while i was very scared that he would show up to my house, he told me he drove close to my house before once, indirectly, and he doesnt live very far away. he had discussed doing very disgusting things to me with friends or to me directly before, and this made me very scared that he was going to show up to my house. i think this is because he threatened me multiple times to put my information on cp websites, like my full name and address, what i look like etc. it made me very scared for my safety, and it still does. hes 18 now, and im still a minor. i know he looks at me the exact same way. and thats really scary.
i feel disgusting with myself sometimes because of how i let him treat me, how i just allowed this âfriendâ to control the way i thought about myself, the way i presented myself and treated myself. i didnt even have my own thoughts for so long because of all of the shit he would say to influence them. ive had other issues with another man, but this one has taken over my life. i havent spoken to him in over a year but i know hes obsessive, and i know from time to time he likes to try to torment me.
theres things ill never know how to feel comfortable with again. its weird things like getting a new follower on spotify, listening to certain songs or certain music artists, seeing others say very specific phrases he would say. i dont know if this even classifies as harassment or what to label this experience as, but i do know that it will forever stick with me. theres many things i wont ever be able to do fully again and its been taken away from me, i was just a child then as well, i still am. all of this took place during my most important social years.
theres things ive seen because of him that ill never be able to get over, disgusting things i was forced to watch or look at, and ill never forgive for that, forcing me to see things no one, regardless of age, should ever see.
i used to feel disgusted but now i feel like im mourning what ive lost, what i couldve had if i never met him, how hes changed me. i feel bad for myself i guess? im glad it was me and not someone else in the world, because its easy for me to think that i wish it never had happened, but if it wasnt me it wouldve been someone else, or maybe thats out of my control. ive spoken to a girl who has had the same experience with him as with me, and its been good to finally have someone else understand, but at the same time i feel so incredibly bad. maybe even a little guilty? i keep feeling like it wouldnt have happened to her if i had never gotten him out of my life. my friends never really took it seriously, neither did my mom. i feel like time and time again i keep trying to downplay the way he treated me, like it isnt as serious as it is. but i know its a very serious and bad thing thats happened to me, i just dont know how to work through it.
so sorry for the heavy post, i dont think ive ever talked about this online before, and its definitely not what id normally post on this website. im just looking for possible advice or guidance on how to possibly work through this a bit better.