Trying to work through whats happened to me

TW before reading - im gonna talk about online manipulation and harassment in this post, going into very sensitive topics.

when i was a few years younger, which was very young, i talked to this boy years older than me. he would constantly ask me for inappropriate photos, call me slurs, and force me to do stuff with him. ive been thinking about this a lot recently and i feel so so upset. for months and months he would ask me for photos and he would get so angry when i never sent them.

for peoples information, im a lesbian, he hates this about me. i used to tell him i was bisexual for the longest time, even convincing myself, just so he would stop speaking to me so horribly due to my sexuality. i would still be sexualized by him of course, but he felt like he had a chance to have me so the hatred he felt was subdued i guess?

for a very long time i couldnt even wear my hair down because i thought my own family was going to look at me like i was sexualizing myself, thinking of me as a slut. i thought wearing my hair down would make this happen, and i had to cut it all off just to be able to feel comfortable again. this man has ruined my life. i cant eat certain foods anymore around anyone because im scared to be sexualized, i cant wear normal clothing anymore because of what he said to me, etc.

ive told my mom about the online encounters before with pedophiles and people treating me very wrong. she would just ask me how far away they were, and if they were in a different country or state, then “just ignore them, it wont be that difficult getting rid of them” i told her about the guy im talking about in this post and she would ask me if he was good or not, and what was she expecting me to say? i was young and under manipulation, so i would tell her he was just joking about the overly sexual jokes he made about me, and she would just tell me as long as i trusted him it was ok.

for a while i was very scared that he would show up to my house, he told me he drove close to my house before once, indirectly, and he doesnt live very far away. he had discussed doing very disgusting things to me with friends or to me directly before, and this made me very scared that he was going to show up to my house. i think this is because he threatened me multiple times to put my information on cp websites, like my full name and address, what i look like etc. it made me very scared for my safety, and it still does. hes 18 now, and im still a minor. i know he looks at me the exact same way. and thats really scary.

i feel disgusting with myself sometimes because of how i let him treat me, how i just allowed this ‘friend’ to control the way i thought about myself, the way i presented myself and treated myself. i didnt even have my own thoughts for so long because of all of the shit he would say to influence them. ive had other issues with another man, but this one has taken over my life. i havent spoken to him in over a year but i know hes obsessive, and i know from time to time he likes to try to torment me.

theres things ill never know how to feel comfortable with again. its weird things like getting a new follower on spotify, listening to certain songs or certain music artists, seeing others say very specific phrases he would say. i dont know if this even classifies as harassment or what to label this experience as, but i do know that it will forever stick with me. theres many things i wont ever be able to do fully again and its been taken away from me, i was just a child then as well, i still am. all of this took place during my most important social years.

theres things ive seen because of him that ill never be able to get over, disgusting things i was forced to watch or look at, and ill never forgive for that, forcing me to see things no one, regardless of age, should ever see.

i used to feel disgusted but now i feel like im mourning what ive lost, what i couldve had if i never met him, how hes changed me. i feel bad for myself i guess? im glad it was me and not someone else in the world, because its easy for me to think that i wish it never had happened, but if it wasnt me it wouldve been someone else, or maybe thats out of my control. ive spoken to a girl who has had the same experience with him as with me, and its been good to finally have someone else understand, but at the same time i feel so incredibly bad. maybe even a little guilty? i keep feeling like it wouldnt have happened to her if i had never gotten him out of my life. my friends never really took it seriously, neither did my mom. i feel like time and time again i keep trying to downplay the way he treated me, like it isnt as serious as it is. but i know its a very serious and bad thing thats happened to me, i just dont know how to work through it.

so sorry for the heavy post, i dont think ive ever talked about this online before, and its definitely not what id normally post on this website. im just looking for possible advice or guidance on how to possibly work through this a bit better.

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Wow, that’s awful. No one should have to go through what you went through. You seem to have a really good pragmatic awareness of what happened, what was reality and what was false. That is great, it will help you understand what happened and heal, but your pragmatic awareness doesn’t lessen the experience–what happened to you, how you experienced it, what it did to you emotionally and socially. I really hate that you had to go through that, that you’re still going through it.

I understand wanting to downplay it. We don’t want to worry others, and if we downplay it, it softens our own reality too. “It’s bad, but it’s not that bad. I can handle this. He’s not devastating me, other people get devastated over things like death and destruction.” A lot of people can read into things being downplayed though, and I hate that that didn’t happen for you. I’m glad you came here, where you don’t have to downplay it and you can be open about what happened and how you experienced it.

I don’t have the perspective to speak specifically about sexual harassment, but I wanted to say that I understand what you’re saying about the psychological battering you went through with him. I’m proud of you for doing so much discernment about what was real and wrong.

If he’s still harassing you, I think you should talk to the school counselor or resource officer about it. I don’t know what the rules are for minors needing restraining orders, but someone does. If you’re up to it, you might also look into pressing charges against him. Again, I don’t know what the laws are for minors, but I have a cousin who got an older boy charged for similar inappropriate behavior. However, I also understand if that’s a painful avenue you don’t want to go down again. Lastly, know you’re not alone in this. You’re not alone in this community, you’re not alone in your school, you’re not alone in the world. I know that doesn’t make it easier or better, but there are people who have been through what you’ve been through. As much as you want to support others in your situation but feel unworthy yourself, they feel the same and want to support you. You’re stronger together because you can hold one another up.

Thank you for sharing. I hope your story can inspire someone else going through the same thing, and I hope this post can bring you comfort from others who get it.

@graciee
I am so sorry that you have had to go through any of this. I have had experiences with this as well. It is such a tough thing and the fact your parents seem to have not even wanted to do much aside from the fact of asking where he lives or what not. He lives near you is what I am getting. This is not okay and you likely should talk to someone in the authorities.

You should be allowed to be who you want to be and someone doing that too you is not good for you. I am so sorry that this is something that you have had to deal like this.

So something I want to add is that YOU NEVER deserved this. You never need to worry about others as it is not on you if he went on to them. He chose that. It is a very big thing that you know NONE of that is your fault. The only responsibility for you is you. You are the only person who knows how much this hurts you and how much it is effecting you. I am someone that has dealt with abuse and such and healing from it takes a lot. The fact that he had this control is not on you. Each and every day people will do things that are not good for you. The fact is that I am sorry. I feel the pain of being scared that the person will do these things or say things about you personally and that by itself is super hard. Those are serious threats. I can see why it was so tough.

Finally something that I have learned from my own trauma is dont let the whole situation of what they have taken keep you down. This person may have taken things but dont let him win because he wins that power DO NOT give him that power.

Hold fast
Ash

1 Like

From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend I’m sorry that you’re mother isn’t taking this seriously, it’s awful. I think if you could get into some type of therapy it would really benefit you. If this guy is still trying to manipulate you or anyone else you know, you might want to consider going to the police about him. ~Mystrose

2 Likes

From: eloquentpetrichor

Oh, graciee, I just wish I could wrap you in a blanket and protect you from the world.

Can you get help from the police? This sounds illegal and at the very least like you should be able to get a restraining order. Just find a way to get rid of him if you can. Delete your social media so he cannot contact you? I just don’ t know what to say to help you.

I do know that you are an amazing person and you have dealt with and still have so much happening to you in your young life and I believe that you can find a way to be who you are and who you want to be regardless of what anyone else says or thinks or tries to make you think.

You are strong. You are you. Be yourself and don’t let anyone or anything define you. holds open a fluffy blanket :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Graciee, I am going to start by saying how incredibly sorry that all of this happened to you and I cannot imagine how you have felt during this time and now looking back on it. You are so brave telling this story and I hope you know that none of what has happened to you was your fault in any way shape or form, you are a child and you have been taken advantage of and that person is totally in the wrong. I wish the people around you had taken it more seriously and I am sorry that nothing was done to stop it sooner. Graciee I would love for you to go and have some therapy regarding this and everything else that you are dealing with at home, you are coping with so much and I really want to see you get the help you deserve. One more thing I would like you to know, your life is not ruined by this, what happend to you is a dreadful thing but you have many years ahead of you that can be full of wonderful things and many happy moments. That is what I wish you you friend and there is no reason why you cant have that. Much Love Lisa. x

From: SuchBlue

Hi graciee,

This is not your fault and you shouldn’t feel like this has all been caused because of just you. How do you know that this person is actually located near you and has been at a place near you? I feel like these are even more tricks to make you feel unsafe even in your own house. That being said, I don’t know if just blocking the person is going to be sufficient here – it doesn’t require much effort to make a new account and keep harassing the victim. You have a lot of options but you’re the only person who knows which one is the best for you. I would suggesting either going to the police with as much proof as you can get as possible. You could also just delete the current accounts that this person is reaching out to you on and making new ones under different names. The last one I could think of would be to quit social media entirely, but knowing that it’s 2022, that’s probably too hard to do :upside_down_face:

I hope that you’ll eventually be able to get this person completely removed from your life and you can feel safe where you are :slightly_smiling_face: you got this :hrtlegolove:

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