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Turning The Tide

Just some rambling thoughts. You don’t have to read if you don’t want too.

Recap: Haven’t posted in awhile. Last time I was on here I posted on the support wall, because 2021 has been a mess for me. Lost two good friends early in the year, one to suicide the other in an accident. Then just last month I lost my dog. He was my whole world, my ride or die. Through the ups and downs of my battle with depression and social anxiety the last 10 years. I needed to express how dark and alone I felt in hopes of words of encouragement to keep fighting. I want to post today on the progress page because it seems things are slowly taking a change in the right direction.

Present day: I’ve been in a slump the past week or so since coming back from my first vacation in probably 5 years. Today was my first day back in the gym, after being on a streak of 5 straight weeks. Today was also my first day of being in a calorie deficit. Gonna continue the trend tomorrow. I know that sounds horrible but for me it’s a blessing. I’ve had issues with my weight ever since losing the ability to play football in college. Started eating horribly and drinking a lot. To where I was the awkward fat guy. Being 5’11” and 250 made me less confident, and just super socially awkward.

I would hide my belly with a pillow when I sat down on a couch. Honestly, it’s pretty comfortable but I know it’s also my self consciousness trying to hide my belly. The gym for me is a good way change that narrative physically. But more importantly mentally. I use the gym to drown out the demons in my head, the voices of depression, anxiety, self doubt, not feeling good enough, etc. They all like to come out to play at the same time, and it’s overwhelming. To the point where I’ll find myself just laying on the floor staring at the ceiling for 2 hours wondering how I ever went to the gym 5 straight weeks. And reminiscing of how good I used to feel just a short time ago. But like I said today was my first day back, I feel great and look forward to tomorrow’s iron pumping therapy session. I just have to take it one day at a time. Also looking forward to see where I’m at by thanksgiving. Hoping to be floating around the 215 range by then.

Just to reiterate what I said above after giving a little background on my battle with depression and social anxiety. The gym is one place that lifts me up mentally more than anything. I’ve been in a major slump in that department since my dog passed last month. It’s been rough on me. Having to crawl your way out of the darkest pit imaginable in your mind, after already doing so. It sometimes feels like a never ending cycle of hopelessness and doubt. But you just got to keep going in hopes that tomorrow will be better. Just one foot in front of the other. Just one day at a time.

So in ending, whatever your goal, if it’s to make positive strides mentally, physically or financially. Or if it’s to crush this week at work. Whatever it is I hope you absolutely CRUSH it! :muscle::metal:

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Your progress is inspiring, thanks so much for sharing this update :heartpulse: great work in this battle!

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Thank you so much for sharing your progress, @DepthsofTexas. These are some really beautiful sparks of life that you are learning to embrace, day by day. It’s incredibly hard to seek light while our heart is grieving, yet it’s also during these moments that life appears with a brand new intensity. I’m so very grateful that exercising is giving you hope again. YES, you will crush your goals and get where you want to be, as you said, one day at a time. I have no doubt that you will thrive during the darkest days, and embrace with open arms the times of relief, hope and beauty. We believe in you. :hrtlegolove:

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