I’m new here. I haven’t really talked about what’s happened in my life, but today I reached out to a chat and they sent a link here.
My dad died before I was born and when we were younger, my brother and I experienced abuse from a family member. My mum didn’t really have a good connection with most of her family so there was a lot of people we didn’t meet, except for this person.
I was always too scared to say or do anything, but my brother one day told someone. When it all came out it’s such a blur to me. I try not to think about it, but my mum was hugely in denial and ended up committing suicide.
My brother and I went to live with her sister who we hadn’t met before then.
My brother is on drugs and doesn’t really live with us until he says he’s better and then gets what he needs and leaves again.
I guess I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and at this point I feel like I’ll either end up like him or my mother. This is only the second time I’ve openly talked about this because I really don’t know what else I’ve got to hold onto. I’m not really that strong of a person. I’m a bit of an easy target for people I guess.
Hey 
First of all, welcome to this community! I’m glad you’ve found us and you are safe here.
That sounds like a lot to handle all at once. Grief is such a hard thing to feel and it sounds like you have a lot of it. My father was an addict for a long time, so I understand the fear of ending up like someone who chose a bad path. What I can say, is that you are not your mom and you are not your brother. You do not have to make the same decisions that they did. You are loved more than you know and you are so so strong for reaching out. I value your honesty.
I hope you know that you did not deserve the abuse you suffered. That was an evil and cruel act and it wasn’t your fault. Are you safe now?
I don’t know you personally, but what I do know is that your life matters. You have so much value and you add so much to this world. You may not see the purpose for your pain now, but maybe one day you can use it to help someone else in your position.
When I was younger I struggled with suicidal thoughts and so I called a couple hotlines. 5 years later, I am now working on a crisis hotline!! I say that to let you know there is always hope. This pain you’re feeling will not last forever and I sincerely hope that you stick around to see what’s waiting for you on the other side of this season.
Again, thank you for reaching out to us and we are here to walk alongside you though all the ups and downs. If you ever need support, please come back to this forum and share what’s on your heart. It matters. You matter.
We are here for you. You’ve got this
Hold fast. We believe in you
Thank you. It just feels a bit overwhelming I guess. I feel like we’ve just added more unnecessary burden to peoples lives. And as much as I care about my brother I also want him to do better than this. I don’t want to see him like this, but sometimes I’d rather him not come back
All those feelings are normal and valid. You are not a burden to anyone. I can tell that by posting here, you want to live and you want to keep fighting through All this. Hold onto that fighting spirit of yours. It’s there to protect you and remind you how much you matter.
Try to check out a support group for loved ones of addicts. I joined one and it is so helpful!!! If you’d like, I am starting mine again in January and it’s on Zoom. So if you’d like to join, you’re more than welcome. Dm me for details. And check out things in your local area too so you know what resources exist when you need them
Her @Whois,
Welcome here. 
First off, thank you so much for being here and sharing what’s on your heart. It’s not an easy step, but you just did it and that is something worth celebrating.
I was always too scared to say or do anything, but my brother one day told someone. When it all came out it’s such a blur to me.
Disclosing something as painful as an abusive situation, even if it was not happening anymore, is very difficult. I imagine that your brother really needed to talk about it when he broke his silence. It had to happen. Though I wish that, on your end, you could have done it at your own pace. Of course there’s no blame here. You’ve been both trying to navigate the emotions that are tied to this situation the best you could. I just hear that it might have been difficult for you to face all of this.
I feel like we’ve just added more unnecessary burden to peoples lives.
Those feelings and thoughts are really understandable. I’d probably feel the same way in your situation. But I want you to know that this wasn’t your fault. What happened to you was not your fault. And how your mom processed that news was not your fault either. You know that already. And I’m aware that it can be hard to think clearly when such deep emotions and hurt are involved.
I have my own history of abuse, including things that happened in my family, and I’m aware of how scary it is to talk about it. On one hand, there’s just this fear of being misunderstood, seen differently, guilted or even rejected. It’s hard to shake the shame that stems out of those experiences, even if no one deserve it. On the other hand, for me personally, a huge reason why I remained silent for a long time is because I didn’t want the people I love to experience grief because of what happened to me. I was convinced - and still am sometimes - that knowing those things happen in our world, and even more to someone we love, can be extremely painful. I felt many times, as you said, that I was carrying a burden that no one else needed to shoulder with me, as it was too heavy. I felt responsible of that burden and sorry for the people who happened to know about it.
Unfortunately, even if it’s scary and uncomfortable, sharing that burden is part of healing. And the way someone process that is not the fault or the responsability of the person who talk about it. I understand that facing this reality might have been very difficult to your mom. But I also really want to emphasize here the fact that you are not guilty for what happened to you, and you’re not guilty for trying to heal. The consequences of the situation are due to the violence of the events themselves. Not you, not your brother, not the voice you used.
I hear that you said you’ve been trying not to think about it. But I also see you here, sharing your heart, and I think this is very precious and important. Facing what happened can be very painful, just like trying to make sense out of it. You are very brave for talking about it and reaching out. That’s even an understatement. And even though we don’t know each other, I’m really proud of you for taking the time to be here and to talk about it.
I guess I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and at this point I feel like I’ll either end up like him or my mother.
This truly makes sense. It can be hard to imagine a different way to progress and just exist in this world than what you’ve been witnessing in your own family. There are different ways though. Healing is possible. You are not doomed because of what happened to you and your family, friend. But it’s also okay to ask for help when life gets difficult. You just made a step further by coming here. You can rely on this community to support you through your own journey and at your own pace. Always. Without any judgment.
Do you think reaching out to a professional could be possible for you? (emotionally, financially, practically). I’m only asking by the way. Not trying to pressure you at all. I’m just willing to know you better and see if you ever considered taking that step, or not at all, or “maybe one day”.
Thank you again for your trust here.
I’m sending hugs your way. 
Thank you, that’s honestly one of the nicest things I’ve been told. I guess somewhere inside I’m hoping to pull through this and not feel like being here where I am is not okay.
I don’t know if my mum was aware of anything that went on or what, and I’m not so much mad at her, I just don’t believe she did the best she could with us.
I was taken to see therapists when I was younger, but always just froze and haven’t been back since.
I am also super grateful to my aunt for everything she’s done for us, it is really hard to not feel guilty about it. Part of me knows that she wouldn’t have taken us if she didn’t want to, but part also feels like maybe she felt like she had no choice.
Right now though, it’s kind of nice to know someone is listening from a distance.
@Whois Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and sharing a little more of your current situation. That really means a lot.
I guess somewhere inside I’m hoping to pull through this and not feel like being here where I am is not okay.
It’s human to desire to just move on and let go of the things that are difficult to us. But it’s also true that running away from how we feel doesn’t help, as it just stays somewhere in our mind and keep hurting. That’s why I believe it’s very brave to open up as you do, to dare to be vulnerable about what happened to you and how you’ve been processing it. You’re in a position of acknowledging all of those things. There was a time of survival in the past. Now might be the beginning of a time for healing. And as the saying goes: “it’s okay not to be okay”. There’s some power in that kind of moment, especially to learn to be at peace with yourself, with your past, with others, but at your own pace - always.
I don’t know if my mum was aware of anything that went on or what, and I’m not so much mad at her, I just don’t believe she did the best she could with us.
I hear you. And I’m sorry she didn’t do more for you and your brother. I know that doesn’t erase love at all and grief is very complex. But it’s tough to have those questions that remain unanswered.
I feel something similar for my dad - who was not violent at all and very loving while my mother wasn’t. I don’t know to which extent he knew what was happening but I feel like he could have done - and should - have done more to protect my siblings and I. I’m kind of mad at him but at the same time I’m not. Just some mixed emotions that I’m still trying to figure out.
I was taken to see therapists when I was younger, but always just froze and haven’t been back since.
So not a very positive experience I imagine. It was an automatic reaction and it can feel so unsafe to talk.
I don’t know if that could be of any comfort to you, but when it’s about opening up and being vulnerable, I freeze a lot too (so grateful that writing exists). I had selective mutism when I was young and it’s still something I’m trying to improve as an adult. I struggle with that even for for silly reasons, as long as I just feel too anxious or unsafe. I gave up on therapy several times because of this reason, only to start again recently. And it’s been very different so far because the person I’m talking to makes me feel safe. Of course I still want to cancel each appointment we have and a lot of time there are long and ankward silences… but she doesn’t judge, and that’s precious. It can take some time to find a therapist who make you feel safe, but it is possible and, I believe, worth it. In any case, it is a real possibility to try whenever you’d feel ready.
I am also super grateful to my aunt for everything she’s done for us, it is really hard to not feel guilty about it. Part of me knows that she wouldn’t have taken us if she didn’t want to, but part also feels like maybe she felt like she had no choice.
Oh, you know, the fact that she didn’t have a choice because it was unexpected doesn’t mean she’d see you as a burden. It sounds that she’s been very loving and caring… which shows how much she wants you to have a good life and shine. That guilt is a burden you don’t deserve to carry on, friend. You were not in control of the situation, it was the role of your aunt to take care of you and she certainly did it willingfully because she loves you. And it’s so precious to have a loving figure by your side during difficult times. I’m really glad she’s been part of your life.
It’s hard to change your way of thinking and accept that it’s not okay… I don’t know what I’m trying to say. Usually I just keep it straight and don’t acknowledge anything around me. It’s easier to keep everyone as far away as possible. I did kind of make a new friend recently. Not that they’re new, they’re just annoyingly persistent.
So I’ve got mixed feelings about them. Like trying not to say or do anything to push them away and then sometimes feeling like there’s something about them that I like even more than just a friend, but it’s also way too sudden to drop that out of nowhere. It’s also this feeling that I feel like I don’t want anyone to be physically close to me either. Not like in a sexual way, just at all. I don’t feel like I have control over my own body sometimes.
And I’m sorry you and your siblings went through that too. It totally makes sense. Sometimes I do feel so angry at my mum, but if anyone else judged her I’d be fucking annoyed. Like I’m allowed to, but you’re not. Because it’s not hate, it’s just more disappointment.
I think my brother probably feels like you do, wanting to have protected me or thinking he let me down. He’s just dealing with that in a worse way. Although it’s been three days now and we actually hung out a little last night. My guy looks like shit, but he’s still here.
I stole some alcohol and I’m a little fucked up and I must admit it feels kind of fucking great. I know I shouldn’t be complaining or talking about shit, but honestly I don’t have anyone else I’d talk to. So why not. It makes me feel like I could stand up for myself or just be someone I’m usually not.
I’ve also realised the only reason I’ve been too scared to kill myself is that I don’t want to be pathetic like my parents haha. Fuck that
I stole some alcohol and I’m a little fucked up and I must admit it feels kind of fucking great. I know I shouldn’t be complaining or talking about shit, but honestly I don’t have anyone else I’d talk to. So why not. It makes me feel like I could stand up for myself or just be someone I’m usually not.
I’ve also realised the only reason I’ve been too scared to kill myself is that I don’t want to be pathetic like my parents haha. Fuck that
Hey friend.
For what it’s worth coming from a stranger like me, I’m glad you are here and alive. I believe it takes strength to survive as you did, regardless of the reasons behind your perseverance. That strength comes from you and is inside of you already. You are not your parents. You are you, a unique individual with a unique story, but you also have a wounded heart and a voice that deserves to be heard.
Regarding alcohol and how you feel right now, you know already that it’s not the solution, but I understand that feeling and I’d be the last one to judge you. I’d actually lie if I pretended that I never got drunk in my life just to feel better. Though it’s really important not to make it a habit or a way to cope with what’s difficult to you. Right now, I’d like to encourage you stay safe and hydrate yourself with water - your body will need it later.
You also have all the right to complain and talk about what’s hurting you. Maybe you were not used to believe that before, maybe you didn’t really have any safe place to exist and share what’s on your heart. But you are allowed and encouraged to reach out whenever you need it. You have a safe place here, always. How you feel matters. You matter.
I don’t feel like I could say any of the thing I want to say to anyone. I won’t let anyone know these things because if they do then that’s just one more reason for people to see I’m weak. Talking like this is also weak, but at least no one knows who I am and can’t interfere.
In no way do I want to end up like my mother or my brother, but in the moment it does feel nice.
I won’t let anyone know these things because if they do then that’s just one more reason for people to see I’m weak. Talking like this is also weak, but at least no one knows who I am and can’t interfere.
You know, for a very long time I thought that talking about feelings and reaching out was a weakness. Vulnerability is scary, and as I grew up I wasn’t shown nor encouraged to be vulnerable. I had to be strong and endure. On the contrary, I could be guilted or scolded for “complaining”. As an adult now, my perspective about vulnerability is very different, but it’s also because I learned to untangle those knots and make sense out of it. I also met people who help me to see things differently and accept me as I am, with all my strengths and doubts.
I don’t believe talking here is weak. Of course, it might not be the same as talking to someone next to you. As you said, the implications are not the same. But it’s still real words shared between real people. It’s been a little more than a year than I’ve been active on this forum, and there’s a lot of people I learned to know through their story. I don’t know their names, don’t know where they live and so many other details about their life. But I feel priviledged to be allowed to do life with them through what’s difficult to share and talk about. Because beyond anything else, what’s on your heart is what matters the most. You’re not an anonymous person hidden behind a nickname. You’re a unique individual having a difficult time, trying to find their way to make some steps forward. Having people who encourage you to make good decisions for yourself is part of this journey. And I’m very grateful you allow us here to stand by your side. I mean it.
It takes strength just to type here and be honest, especially if you’re not used to do that. It’s a first step. And actually a good way to learn to be more comfortable while having those kind of conversations. A good way to realize that your deepest fears - of being judged, perceived as being weak - don’t necessarily happen. That not everyone is willing to judge or hurt you.
Well that’s a bit embarrassing. Sorry about the outburst there. Obviously one of those emotional drunks. Big yikes
That’s totally okay. No worries. There’s no need to apologize. 
I hope you’re doing okay right now, also that you’ll get some rest if you need it.
My brother is gone again. He lasted around a week which is longer than he usually does. I really hoped this would be if
I’m sorry to hear about your brother, @Whois. 
It’s hard to see someone we care about being in any kind of self-destructive spiral. Did you ever have the possibility to discuss with him about this cycle he seems to be stuck in, and share both your love and concerns? (or if you feel like that’s possible at all).
Also, how are you feeling lately?
I try not to talk too much about it because we both end up arguing. If we don’t argue he tells me his plans and that things are going to work out, and I feel the less I know the better so it’s not as disappointing when it doesn’t stick. He was meant to go to a rehab facility and everything was organised and he left.
I always wonder if I’ll never see him alive again.
This one hits really close to home. My brother battled with drugs for years. Drug abuse is really nefarious. There comes a point where the addict recognizes that his life is terrible and doesn’t want to be that way anymore, but he can’t get off the merry-go-round. Your brother may mean every word he said about going to rehab–or he may be saying what you want to hear as a means to his ends.
You’re on your way to an important Al-Anon tenet, Letting Go with Love. Worrying about your brother can be as psychologically destructive as the drug abuse itself. As long as he is a part of your life in any way, he will bring up that worry. Letting Go with Love is emotionally divesting yourself from his day-to-day activities and not letting him be a factor in your happiness. Something to the effect of “I love you, I care about your well-being, and I hope you get better, but I can’t let your actions rule my life anymore, so I need to let you out of my life for now. I hope that one day, when you’re really better, we can talk about it.” He’ll play every victim card he has, from “I’m sorry” to “you’re the devil,” but at that point if you cut him off, you’re free. It’s his life, his actions no longer dictate your happiness, and the consequences of his actions are his alone.
My DMs are open if you want to talk about it. They say drug addiction is a family disease–his actions are poisoning you too. FWIW, my brother is 7 years clean and very successful, so don’t give up hope.
I think the only thing that’s ever made him feel good is getting high or drunk, and the first people to sort of accept him were the people who introduced him.
He always says he’s sorry. Sometimes I believe him. Sometimes it’s because he’s already made his mind up.
Sometimes I wish he was a better brother. Like I had an older brother to look out for me and help me. I get sick of shit too, but I feel like if I admit that it would be too much on my aunt. If I told her about shit…
But that’s a different story again.
It’s really cool brother is doing so well. Did it take long for him to get there?
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