For some reason, I just genuinely can’t hate the guy who abused me when I was a child. After everything he put me through, there are some points where I just… don’t hate him. In fact, I almost… love him? In a way I want to be with him? Which sounds super weird and gross because he’s much older than me considering he was almost an adult, and I was 3 years old when he was doing this stuff, but I just… feel drawn to him. And I mean I can’t find him, so that’s not a worry, because I don’t know his name, but I really don’t feel like this attachment is healthy.
He caused me so much pain throughout my entire life, but somehow, I almost love him in a way. During one of my breakdowns I said that I “wanted him to love me” and I just… I don’t know. Is that weird? Why would I care about someone who hurt me like that?
I know that feeling as well, it sounds like Stockholm’s Syndrome. It’s a sort of Stockholmy Syndrome feeling right?
I deeply relate to this feeling and it was caused by severe abuse and manipulation. You aren’t weird, you were abused and manipulated. When you’re wrapped around someone’s finger so tight you tend to love them, not care, and forget what they did to you because you feel like you need them. You don’t care because you feel that false connection so strongly. You wanted to feel loved because you were treated with so much hate and abuse you just wanted to be accepted and acknowledged and at some point, you felt like they were the person who understood you the most. It’s more of a brainwashed infatuation than anything, created from any internal vulnerability such as being a child or lonlieness or need for love. With that they slowly wrap their finger around that internal vulnerability so when the time comes you won’t care. It’s a horrible thing to be the victim of… The love felt can truly feel real, but the feeling of being drawn is a result of the long term manipulation. They make that attatchment to make you feel like you need them and without them you’re lost. So if they ever come back you’re still willingly under their control even if you don’t want to be. When you’re young it’s like, training the brain to develop in a really messed up way I… don’t even want to explain more of it. It’s sick. Don’t fall into that hell-hole trap, I hope you can reprogram your brain out of this way of thinking before it worsens. Talk about this with your therapist if you have one, this is something really important you need to get through. You need to let reality hit and remind you that yourself and your emotions matter, and you deserve to be treated correctly. Remind yourself that over and over and over. You have value and that bastard does not deserve any kind of love from anyone ecspecially you. That thing needs worse than prison and I hope it perishes soon for your sake. You shouldn’t have to feel like this. You don’t deserve this kind of shit.
The best way to get out of it is by removing them from your life and reminding yourself you deserve love. Learning to love yourself and reminding yourself that they are not a good person every time you accidently think of them. Teach yourself it’s okay to be angry because that means you care about yourself. You have to daily remind yourself that you matter and you are loved, so you feel less of a need to project your need for love onto that. That is how I got out of this sort of mess. Another tip, make sure you aren’t drawn to anyone that reminds you of the way you were treated back then. As you get older that sort of attatchment stuff can be ingrained into you and hard to fully remove, have standards for yourself and make sure you don’t fall into a repeat hell-hole.
Again I am so sorry you have had to go through this. People can truly be horrible and deranged and pitifully disgusting excuse for humans. Absolutely and horrendously NONE of that is something you should have had to go through, ecspecially as a child. You are not alone, You deserve love and care, you deserved a good childhood. You are loved on this forum, you are cherished by this world, and by gods you are not weird. You deserve so much more.