so… i’m just confused on how i feel. when i was 13 there was this guy on xbox who was 17 who went by wolf. long story short, we ended up “eDating” and he sent me an explicitly photo before all of this. of course he knew my age and continued this as well as his friends did. technically it’s not illegal but the maturity gap from a 13 and 17 is tremendous. i’m 16 now and i wouldn’t even really think of dating a 14 year old, let alone dating a 13 year old at 17 and sending them explicit photos. see, so i know this situation was bad but i can’t help but thinking about how happy and content i was? he always sang to me and played games with me and made me feel happy so i associate it as a good memory but it’s not supposed to be? which is why i’m really confused. idk man
Well, there are a few ways to look at this.
Yes, it is weird when a 17 year old dates a 13 year old because that’s flirting with the legal age of adulthood.
At the same time, as you get older you will find that 4 years is not too bad of an age difference. My parents are 4 years apart. My grandparents were 5 years apart. My step dad’s parents were 20 years apart (definitely weird). So let’s say now you’re 25 and he is 29. That’s not so weird anymore.
All this being said, I do believe it is against the law to send explicit photos to an underaged person regardless of your own age. I’m not positive about this when it comes to both people technically being minors.
I won’t tell you how you should feel about this person. I think we all think we know what we want when we’re young and sometimes our opinions change, sometimes they don’t. At the same time, we don’t decide who we’re smitten with.
So honestly this is really up in the air. The ages are iffy with consent laws, but things happen - high school sweethearts get married and grow old together, etc. I think you should accept what happened in the past as it was, especially if you were happy and you don’t feel that it has harmed you in hindsight. I don’t think it was right for him to send those photos, I do want to make that point clear. But it seems like you have no bad feelings about what happened so I wouldn’t worry about it too much. We all do things as a teenager that we wouldn’t do a handful of years later, that’s part of growing and learning. If you do decide that this does bother you at some point though, please do seek someone to talk to.
If the memory doesn’t haunt you, why worry? Yes, neither of you should have been sending or receiving explicit pictures, but if you don’t feel like you were necessarily taken advantage of I wouldn’t try and stress yourself into making it into something it isn’t.
Simply be mindful of age gaps and power dynamics in future relationships you embark on and just write it off as a learning and growing experience. However, like the other poster said, I’ve done things when I was your age that didn’t bother me until now at 21. If that happens, find someone safe to talk to. For now, be easy with yourself.
ok but… i understand as you get older that 4 years isn’t a lot but that’s as you get older. the maturity between a 26 and a 30 year old is much more different than tk that of somebody just starting middle of middle school and somebody finishing highschool
Ok so are you blaming him or you? I get the feeling this actually does bother you.
he was the near adult in the situation, so him
Well it’s good that you don’t blame yourself. But if it is bothering you, you should probably talk to a professional.
Hi Bunny, you may associate it as a good memory because you thought it was okay at the time, some influence can carry on in the future. I associate my own experience with Pedophilia sometimes as a good memory. It’s not just you.
From, Elliot
Thank you Elliot ! : D
Just wanted to share a few thoughts - only a personal perspective though.
I’m not sure if this is pedophilia because I don’t know this person and what was in their mind at the moment precisely. But what is sure is that sexual abuse and abusive behaviors can absolutely be perpetrated by young people on other young people. Age doesn’t erase that possibility, some young people do that quite early in life, and that’s just a reality. Legal majority or sexual majority - which are not the same - have nothing to do with it, except for legal purposes and justice.
I personally agree with what you said about the difference of ages between adults and minors. The reality is not the same because the capacity of consent and understanding of what’s going is absolutely not the same either. When you’re 13, you’re more likely not to be equipped to understand what is sexuality, what it implies, and the same goes with being able to identify what is appropriate or not.
Honestly, I think how you feel about this situation now is important, even if it’s confusing. You’ll learn to make sense out of this confusion, one way or another. It’s a good thing to decide to talk about it, whether you’re 10% or 90% comfortable with doing so.
To echo @elliot_is_my_alias, it’s not unsual to feel now that it was wrong, yet to be happy about it when you were young. I was molested repeatedly as a child (by an adult, not a teenager). It felt wrong, but I didn’t have the words to say it. And even if my behavior showed many red flags, I didn’t feel “bad” about it on a daily basis. It’s only when I was an adult and when I saw it with the eyes of an adult, that I started to understand. And I experienced this gap between how I felt as a kid and as an adult. It was so different, and so confusing. My first reaction was to think that I was creating a problem that didn’t need to be one. After all, until that moment, I managed to live without feeling like it was a bother. But our definition of normalcy evolves with time, and that is okay.
Your process of “re-reading” this moment of your life is normal, how you feel - this confusion, those questions - is valid, and the conclusions you’ll have about this part of your life are yours entirely. Know that, in any case, there was nothing wrong with being happy about it when it happened. Recognizing now that it wasn’t a healthy or a “normal” relationship will definitely help you to identify what is appropriate or not in the future.
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