I relapsed today, after 3 long years of not hurting myself. I am so beyond frustrated, and sad, at my own cost. I can’t believe I let myself get that bad. What the fuck is wrong with me? Fortunately, It doesn’t look too bad but just the thought of me doing it again sickens me. I feel like I want to just binge on all the food and cut all of my skin up, which is weird because it’s the exact OPPOSITE of what I want to look like, but I don’t even know where this is going. I’m beyond exhausted at this point, and I’m disgusted with myself, my thoughts, and my body. I don’t see the point of continuing my existence at this point. May as well just toss the bucket or whatever that expression is.
Hey Brittany, sorry you’re feeling so down right now I personally look at it this way… Pretend your body is a house you own. You’ve kept up the house for many years, its in great shape right? Then, you slip on a puddle and smash into the window. The solution here is to fix the window. Burning down the house would be kind of a massive response to a little cracked glass. When it comes to addiction (which is how I view self-harm), breaking the window is EXPECTED. Of course if you don’t break a window, thats great, but if you do, it just means it’s time to fix the window. Relapses are really heartbreaking, but they are also an entirely normal step in recovery.
What I would suggest is to look at this incident as a learning opportunity as much as you can. People don’t just wake up and succeed at life, they fail and fail and fail to learn all the ways that don’t lead to success before finding the way that does. Look at what brought you to this relapse. How did you get here, what were the ingredients to this situation, and learn what steps you need to take to avoid this specific path to failure next time. You did it for an incredible 3 whole freaking years! It’s disheartening to restart the clock but imagine how high you can get that number next time when you use what you’ve learned from this time.
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