Tw: self harm

From derpy3443: i’ve been self harming since i was in elementary school. it was just a way i dealt with my strong emotions.

for the first few weeks of high school, things were going well, almost too well. i didn’t hide myself through baggy clothing anymore. for the first time in a while, i felt like myself again. i was happy, or at the very least, not feeling as depressed as before. i even stopped cutting for 4 months. i felt like i was finally getting rid of my sh addiction.

but like all good things, it came to an abrupt end when i cut again in the school bathroom. it felt nostalgic, leaning against the bathroom wall, holding the blade tightly in my hand, looking down at the blood that soaked the tissue. in some sick way, it felt like i had reunited with a friend of mine. i felt happy and relieved. i realized how strong this addiction really is. and now, i don’t know what to do. im still a kid. four years away from being an adult. im at a point where i feel like im suffocating, and my only form of relief is through cutting.

i have cuts on my thighs, shoulders and ankles. i don’t know how to stop. i don’t want to hurt anymore. i just wish i could go back in time, and prevent myself from hurting myself in in the first place. its getting harder and harder to get out of my bed, and stay cheerful. im scared that i’ll go back to my old habits, of staying in bed all day being depressed, and drowning in suicidal thoughts.

i want to tell an adult. im well known around the faculty staff at school because my bubbly personality. and i know they’d be willing to help me. but im just scared. i don’t want to ruin my persona at school. its the one place where i can pretend everything is okay. i don’t want the teachers to think of me any differently. i don’t want my parents to know either. idk what i should do.

but for now, i’ll go to sleep. i’ll think it over, and hopefully come to some sort of conclusion to this mess. ty for reading till the end, i hope you have a wonderful day <33

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I think maybe you should look into therapy. They helped me with my sh addiction and helped me find better coping skills.

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I had friends like that eons ago when I was younger. As someone that is older, tell them. You want to stop and that is already a big step. Faculty is supposed to keep that confidential. You are worthy of getting help and fighting through. One my friends that cut, I would throw away all their razors. I pulled her out of a bathtub with her wrists slit. She got the help she needed after that. Another friend, I turned in her suicide note to me into the office. She was sent to a psych facility but finally got the help she needed. Sadly the only reason why she committed suicide was due to other reasons. She was doing wonderful until those reasons happened though.

It is an addiction. I know some ways for even myself when I used to cut or even burn, when I got the feeling to do it I would keep a rubber band around my wrist and snap it. That helped. Keeping a journal helped. Have some sort of other outlet instead of self harming. Don’t let yourself become trapped by your bed. I know it is way easier said than done, but pull yourself out even if it is so much to watch a favorite TV show you have seen thousands of times. Remind yourself always that you are worthy.

I know you want to keep your reputation, but your reputation is nothing if something were to happen to you. And as someone that has been on the side of losing people to suicide, it is such an immense guilt that you feel. The other party(ies) blame themselves or wonder how they didn’t spot it. Wonder what they could have done to prevented it. I can’t tell you how many years I was in a fog wondering what I could of done to prevented someone I loved from committing suicide. And even now I still wonder. It still hurts. It still stings. Get the help. Even if you tell someone else you trust. You are already taking a big step into admitting it’s an issue and you want to take action. You can do it. It will be hard, I won’t lie. But fight. Keep standing and fight. You are so much stronger than you realize. So much stronger than others realize. I believe in you. And I am sure others on here or people you don’t even realize do, believe in you as well.

Remember to always tell yourself, you are loved. I can be loved. I am strong. I can do anything.
Please update, as I would like to know you are okay. Even if it is a month from now. And now you have some support somewhere even if it through here. <3

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