TW: SUI, SH, SA- My mental health has been going downhill for a while

Hi.

My mental health started to decline around the beginning of this year. I started SH in May which was supposed to be a “one time thing,” but of course it wasn’t. I can’t stop and I’ve lost my motivation to stop. In short, I don’t want to and I’m scared of stopping. Every day I feel so hopeless and tired mentally to the point where I’m having ideation about ending my life. I don’t think I actually would, but the thoughts are growing. I dealt with SA for 5 years of my life. I’ve been away from him for almost 2 years so I don’t understand why I’m getting bad now. I just feel so helpless.

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I’m sorry about what you are going through. I can relate to feeling hopeless. I had other self-destructive habits I thought I would never escape. Are you in touch with a therapist? If not, try and hook up with one. I suspect that the SH is a response to other stressors in your life. It’s necessary to understand what triggers the craving to SH. Feeling hopeless is not the same as being hopeless. I believe that once the triggers are managed, the fear of stopping will diminish.

Again, you need to talk to a qualified therapist. If you find it difficult to communicate with this person, consider writing down your feelings as you have done here, and take that writing with you to your next visit.

Please stay in touch.

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SH is a very common way for people to deal with their feelings. I myself was lost in it for a while. Just the fact that you have reached out here is a good step towards getting better. You didn’t specify how you SH but something that helped me in my journey to recovery was using a rubber band on my arm and snap it whenever I got the urge. Obviously it is still SH in a way but it’s very much less damaging to you and your body.

I understand how it can be hard to deal with SA and how that can make you feel bad about your self. You have to remember none of it is your fault and you didn’t deserve any of it. You mentioned that it been 2 years since you got away from the abuse and you don’t understand why you’re feeling this way now but it’s completely normal. Those feelings can happen right after or years after and there’s no timeline on when you should feel better about what happened to you.

I know that with the feelings you’re having it might be hard but try to reconnect with yourself. Go to a nearby park and just sit and enjoy the view for a while. Try to engage with friends in activities. Find a new hobby to put your feeling into. It can be hard to deal with things alone I suggest you look into therapy.

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I know I need a therapist but I haven’t gotten one yet, but there’s one I have in mind. I will get a therapist eventually, but there’s factors preventing me. It’s fine, I just have to wait a little longer. I am trying to start a new hobby and it is taking up a bit of my time which I guess is good.

My fear of it being taken away is because it’s a way I can cope and comfort myself. I cut myself and I’ve tried to make myself bruise before. I’ve never gone too deep, but I have scarred. I have a low pain tolerance so that prevents me from going deep. The tools I use also help prevent that. I don’t really cut myself for control, but rather validation of my pain. I was told before that “things could have been worse” and “people are suffering more than you” regarding my abuse. Cutting gives me a way to express my pain in a physical form and it makes me feel as if my emotions are valid and like I can have them. I have used it for control during stressful situations, but I think for me that it’s more about validating and seeing the ugliness of how I feel. And to me, that’s comforting and like it’s not selfish to feel what I’m experiencing. I’ve tried rubber bands before, but it only made me want to cut more. I have to try more methods, but the truth is that I don’t have a reason to stop. I know I should but I don’t know how and why I should.

I can’t explain how I feel. I feel disgusting and like I deserved everything that happened. Technically, I put myself in the situation that made me vulnerable to him.

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I’m having urges again. I’m in an environment space that I always had cut in and I think it triggered an association with the urge and the feeling or something. I’m trying to make sense of it.

I found a reason to live and a reason to stop cutting. But the thought of actually stopping is stressing me out and making me want to cut more. It just feels so overwhelming because a lot has to be done. I think I’ll be fine, I’m not sure. I feel dull, though

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I know it may sound glib, but it’s something I tell myself, “the more you fight an urge, the more it fights back.” The point of that is, when talking about “fighting” an urge or habit, it’s a way of informing the subconscious that the impulse has very hard to defeat power.

I prefer “turning away from,” or “choosing an alternative reaction” to an urge or impulse.

Thoughts, urges, cravings, feelings, are considered by many to be compelling, as though a person must react in an often predictable and negative way.

However, thoughts, urges, cravings and feelings are not decisions. Incredibly, having made a positive and rational decision, those negative impulses do tend to diminish.

Yes, there absolutely are triggers that will stir the impulse to self-harm. Yet every time you choose an alternate way of reacting to that trigger, the trigger itself loses intensity. Even if it didn’t, the alternative reaction is probably better for you.

All of that makes sense. Fighting the urge seems more difficult than distracting myself from it because eventually the urge will dissipate. Thinking about it like that makes it seem less overwhelming and not so impossible. So thank you.

I ended up writing a letter to a friend while being in the same environmental space. I’m going to try and associate the spot with more positive things such as them. I’d like it to be more positive since it’s in my bedroom and also so I’m not reaching for a tool while I’m there.

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