Something happened to me last night. I had this weird dream where my ex/not-ex wife where hanging out. One thing led to another and things got hot and heavy. Then out of left field she says something incoherent that I can’t make out. I ask her to repeat it but I only catch the word cheated. Queue me waking up out of a deep sleep shook. I didn’t know what was going on but something felt wrong. I lay in bed mulling over as much as the dream I could remember. Then it hit me. Hard. I broke down crying and shaking because I had remembered. She had admitted to me that she had been having an affair with someone. What? Why the hell didn’t I remember this? It’s like I put the memory of the conversation in a box and locked it behind a door. Now for whatever reason that door is unlocked and that box is open. Needless to say it’s sent my BPD, depression, and anxiety spiraling out of control. Sorry for the long post I don’t know what to do I just need to talk before I do something stupid.
Hey hun I hope u are ok nor I know stuff like this is scary but I hope you are ok now and safe
If you didn’t remember this before, maybe it’s because you tried to protect yourself, unconsciously. You described it perfectly, with the box image. It’s part of what we don’t necessarily understand about our minds but it’s also a way for you to process these events at your own pace. Sometimes we just can’t handle a situation, emotionally and physically, so our mind push it in the background for a certain time. Maybe you wasn’t ready before and you needed to get until today to remember about it.
I know this can be really disturbing, but you’ll be able to become more aware of what’s going on in your mind over the next hours and days. I’m sorry if it’s triggering your anxiety, depression and BPD right now. Try to stick to healthy habits you already have, to what makes you feel safe and things that can help you to feel your environment with your own body, to ground yourself. Even just a shower and a warm coffee could be great. Also writing everything that’s going on in your mind can be incredibly helpful, even if it seems like it’s just nonsense.
Sending much love your way. It’s going to be okay.