Well been a week give or take since I’ve been able to write anything. I actually started writing earlier today and deleted it all and left it then came back. I was 1. Trying to convince myself that I’m ok and was over thinking and 2 I deleted it because I was embarrassed to write this in front of my girlfriend. That made me stop then think and I realized I’m still very unsure about what I’m feeling. Truth be told this last week was 100% miserable. I spent most of my work week struggling to get out of bed and go to work. My best friend started work with me and I still struggled to go to work, because when I get to work, the culture in my shop is so typical macho man vibe that I have to hide what I’m feeling and today I think it may have costed me my job. See I’m learning to be a diesel tech and I’m sappose to be able to handle customers but I had a customer come in today and he was hostile very hostile and I panicked and he broke a rule I think may blow back on me and I’ll either lose my job or have to tell all these manly men that seem emotionless I had a pacxik attack and froze and didn’t know what to do but run out and vomit and then they won’t want me to work with them anymore. To add to it after that my older brother messaged and asked for me to feed his addictions and I told him no because I’m struggling with addiction so I refuse to aid him in feeling how I feel and now he thinks I’m a bad brother. I realized I don’t understand my feelings other than panick and now I’m confused I’m lost and it’s almost 5 am and I am awake still. My medication isn’t working and I have a week until I see my dr. The top end is a friend of mine works in a therapists office and she reached out today and thinks she can get me in so I won’t have to wait until June to get help. I herd a quote from that friend I can’t remember who said it but it said “pain demands to be felt no matter what you do. It demands to be felt and it will be” I suppressed all the child hood drama all the abuse all my self medication abuse over the years and now I’m sober and it’s demanding that it be felt now. I get that my brain would eventually make it come out but I guess I never thought of how to cope with those feelings. So here I am 4:40am on a tuesday tomorrow is thankfully my day off and I’m awake. I just needed to write tonight hopefully to relieve the pressure. 7 days until my next doctor appointment and hopefully some help. I’m not feeling self harm but relapsing seems easy but I’m fighting I’m holding on but the thoughts have been there so here’s to fighting and staying sober and living my life! Thanks for reading of you made it through this post. Much love heart support family! Hope you are all fighting the good fight and standing up for self care
As someone who struggles with an addiction to pornography, bipolar, and currently in a problematic marriage with a child involved, I totally understand that feeling of not being able to function at work. I get it. It fucking sucks. When my personal life is out of control, I have no drive to work. I have to put on this persona to my customers. It is the worst. But for me, I am an English teacher as a foreign language so what’s different is that I do find value in what I do (I feel that I’m helping people). So that helps me.
One of the hardest things about life is dealing with the aftermath of our weak moments. As a porn addict, I’m very sensitive to feelings of shame.
Even if you can’t talk to your coworkers, try to talk with a counselor. I know that heartsupport offers 7 free counseling days. Try to use that to suppress your angst. Remember we have to keep work at work and personal with personal but a counselor can help be that listening ear that you need to get through this time, that way you can go to work with a renewed mind, ready to keep things professional there.
If you need a listening ear, I’m here for you brother. Just reach out. Sending you positive energy and prayers that you can be comforted during this difficult time.
Thanks for the reply! I have been trying to write here as a sense of counseling I didn’t think I could get into therapy until June but my friend messaged today and she was able to work with her office and I finally get to go in next week so that’s exciting. The addiction struggle has been recent. I’ve been clean like 6 years now and just recently started fighting the craving again. I’m sure that’s attached to not probably dealing with things. I appreciate you being here for me my friend I’m here as you need as well
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