You ever hear God talking to you? He was shouting emphatically yesterday, in the way I hear Him, through others and in concepts.
First, on the afternoon Twitch streams, I was confronted on feeling undeserving of things, of love. The mean streamers told me they were going to send me creative encouragements, not because I earned them, but because they wanted to. They said that the idea that I don’t deserve nice things is false, and it made me really uncomfortable. After that, I went to do my recovery work. This week’s lesson was writing out my “grievance stories,” impactful things in my life, how they made me feel, and the thoughts about myself I took away from them. I didn’t pre-plan what I was going to write, but they were overwhelmingly relational, and what I took from all of them is “I am unworthy of love–romantic, platonic, agape. I am good for entertainment value–as a punching bag, a clown, a laughingstock, or a simple diversion. I am only as good as the performative aspects I bring to friendships and relationships–sex, money, connections, tutoring, entertainment value. Love is earned, conditional, a la carte, and finite. Unworthy as I am, I need to accept any companionship that comes my way and be grateful for the opportunity, even if it’s one-sided and toxic.”
I don’t want others to feel the way I do, so I try to love them as much as I can. Meanwhile, I don’t want to let anyone get close because these things, which I’ve never sat down and thought about before, have become a truth in my life. On the other hand, I am codependent on the few people that manage to break through and get close, because love is conditional and finite and I am so scared to lose it.
“Other people deserve love, and I hope I can make them see that. Not me though. That’s been proven over and over. Love is my reward for being a good person, for seeking my blind spots, for trying to figure myself out. Love is my reward for spending a long time working really hard to learn to be selfless, find my blind spots, and give of myself to a world that is bigger than me. Love is my reward, not an entitlement. I’ve squandered entitlements most people only read about, entitlements they can’t even comprehend. I’ve squandered enough entitlements for a lifetime, so I need to earn my way in the world. That includes relationally, which has been demonstrated over and over through the years.”
That got turned on its head yesterday afternoon. I was there to cheer others’ successes, support others in their vulnerability, and make others laugh in the meantime, but for a few minutes they made it about me. I didn’t “deserve” an outpouring of love in stream chats, but I got it anyhow. It was uncomfortable, but it was powerful, and it happened at the right time in my thought processes to really make an impact.
IDK. I’ve “performed” in this community. I’ve loved and supported others. I’ve told them what I wish I’d known, said what I wish I’d heard. I’ve offered value, and received love. Yesterday felt different though.
And then I heard (or rather understood) God saying “Read everything you’ve written here, and then think about the outpouring of love from the HeartSupport community. Think about your wife who doesn’t ask anything of you in exchange for loving you, and who loves the whole you, not the sum of your parts. Understand that this is how I love you as well.” I don’t “deserve” it, but that doesn’t matter. I don’t need to earn it either. Maybe I needed a lifetime of betrayal, abandonment, insignificance, and performance-based love to realize and appreciate all that I have now. I don’t know.
Going forward, anytime someone offers me love, I’m going to start writing it down and writing down a deeply-held notion that it contradicts. I know my attitudes are unhealthy. I’d tell anyone else they’re not true. It’s time for me to start practicing that.
Y’all. I don’t like feeling my feelings. I want to feel so badly, but I’m afraid. I try to break down my walls with a hammer in one hand and a mortar trowel in the other, fixing the cracks as fast as I try to create them. It’s not a choice anymore, it’s automatic. Lately, though, my hammer is getting bigger and stronger. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I’m scared.