Unimportant. just typing to clear head

[echo]

refusing to allow myself to attach to any new people because the only people i’ve genuinely cared about have left me. started with a friend who was three years older than me and took care of me like an older brother would and was always there for me until i ended up annoying them and driving them away and that ended up fucking me up for an entire year. then i pushed everyone away for the next 5/6 months after i was finally over that and decided i’d at least try to care about somebody again and then it became my still current friend and another person. they and i were friends for awhile and i grew to see them like a younger sibling. it didn’t end to where it hurt me all too much because it was just a casual drift apart from each other but i still miss them sometimes. i think i use these as excuses for not wanting to care about people. maybe i just don’t want to? it’s bothersome and caring about them means you have to support them and i’m terrible at that and so i feel guilty and worthless and it just makes everything worse. i just end up putting them before myself and sacrifice any sort of happiness i could have if it meant they were happy. maybe it’s because i’m desperate for somebody to care about me? maybe i want to try and do whatever i can so that they don’t leave me and maybe they would decide to care about me. maybe it just feels nice to care about somebody and have a place to put affection. maybe it’s just nice to think that at least me caring about them as much as i would could make them feel slightly better one day. who the fuck knows why i do it? maybe it all of those reasons. i don’t know why i do and why i don’t. in my head i think i don’t because i’m scared they’ll leave me or because i think it’s too much work but it only feels half true. i end up leaning more towards it being too much work. does that make me a horrible person? i’m asking if i’m a horrible person but i already know that i am. maybe that’s why people like to distance themselves from me. maybe that’s why my current friend and the only person i still care about feels like they’re distancing themselves from me too. what am i doing wrong? is it because i care? the people i seem not to care about will stick around for a little while and usually drift away but pop in every now and then. though if i did care it’d probably be the same and i’d just be upset over it. maybe i really shouldn’t care about anybody anymore. i really want to care about the one friend though. i can’t just let go of them and i don’t want to. i just don’t want them to leave me. i’m selfish. why am i so selfish?

i’m so lonely. i have no friends irl. it’s pathetic. i was bullied and isolated in middle school and that almost made me kill myself so i turned to homeschooling and then dropped out because i still wanted to kill myself and thought i would do it didn’t matter what would happen to my future but now here i am. having to get my ged in a few months like a fucking failure and feel the shame that comes with it. i’m going to go to college to make it right but that’s a different topic. i have no friends and i’ve never really had any. i had one in elementary that would invite me to her house every now and then for a sleepover. those are probably the best times i can remember when being with another person my own age irl. we grew apart after i transferred to a different school for fifth grade because of my mom and then i couldn’t make friends there but instead annoyed two girls who hated me and made it known that they didn’t like me. moved to the middle school near my house and that old friend didn’t talk to me anymore since she had her own huge group of friends so i didn’t have anybody. got into a friend group but i was the odd one out. they all invited each other places and had sleepovers and group conversations together. such meaningless things but it still would’ve been nice to have made some memories like that… i wish i could go to the movies with a friend. just once. just once i’d like to go somewhere with somebody who wants to hangout with me. i guess it wouldn’t have affected me as much as it did if the girls in that group didn’t openly plan things in front of me and exclude me or lie to me. they all had iphones and i had an android at the time and they were texting in a group chat and i asked why i wasn’t in it and then they made up a bunch of excuses as to how you can’t make group chats with people who don’t have an iphone and that they tried but couldn’t. it’s not like any of them would text me outside of it anyways. PLUS I WAS IN ONE THEY HAD MADE BEFORE? they just made a new one without me. it’s petty to hold a grudge for something people did in middle school but still… none of them even see what they did wrong? i would say it was just a delusion in my head of me thinking i was part of their group but they had an instagram acc with a group name thingy and my name was included. just goes to prove that they didn’t like me and i was purposely left out from things. i just wanted to be included in things. i had a friend in my math class in 8th grade who i was kind of friends with but only during that class. i got her number and tried to talk to her after the school year ended but i was ignored. what was i doing wrong? what am i still doing wrong? i made more friends online than i ever did irl. makes me think it was because of my appearance. it’s true that people won’t be your friend if you’re ugly. why? who the fuck knows. i hate people. i cant trust anybody irl either. isn’t it pathetic how i complain about past issues and such trivial things such as loneliness and fear of abandonment? there are worse things that could be happening. i feel selfish for even coming on here sometimes.

also the one friend that i mentioned that i still care about said they aren’t going to be talking to me for awhile. isn’t that great? we were hardly talking anyways but just getting one message from them at least every few days was fine. now who knows how long it’ll be? maybe he’ll just leave permanently. it’d probably do him good. said that it wasn’t because of me that he isn’t going to be talking for awhile but because of him but i doubt that’s true. i’m always the one who ends up fucking up. i just want to know what i did. i both love and hate caring about somebody. side thought : i have other people to talk to besides them but it doesn’t feel the same as when i do get to talk to them. he’s like my brother. which is kind of a jinx since everyone i’ve thought of as a sibling has left me, so. yay. fun.
i ended up punching my desk a few times as hard as i could with my forearm because i both wanted to hurt myself and hurt something else. didn’t hurt. didn’t even help take any of the pain away. just got dust in my eyes. sucks. it makes me want to punch things until my knuckles are bloody and bruised when i’m upset over something that is likely my fault

[anon14688970]

Oh I’m sorry sorry I really do feel for you.
Friends are quite the topic arent they? I’ve had alot weird friendships and alot of weird excuses for one. It hurts when people leave, and I’m also left wondering if I should even get close with people anymore.

I’ve had a friendship like that before. We were really close and I wanted to protect her, but then she startled me one day and then I startled her and then we both scared eachother away from the friendship. I… remember thinking before it happened that when I got my liscence I’d take her to her favorite tea shop. She didn’t have very good parents and I felt close with her and wanted to be her friend, saw her like a littler sister some of the time as well. And Niko related to her childish antics alot, and the fact that we both had headmates (she was the only person we had ever met that were like us) But then she scared me and she and I both got freaked out by it (we both had paranoia and severe fear of people) so that ended the friendship. Though when I look back on it, I do wish we could’ve stayed friends, but maybe it was for the best. My point is, life goes on, people change, we all get in fights, and you can’t protect those you care for - for forever. Just as you can’t be friends with them. It really hurts to know, but, most friendships really don’t last forever, friendships are something both parties have to depply try to work on if they want it to. And that take a ton of care, like watering a flower. But both parties must be willing.

So yea, she may have left, but that doesn’t mean she’s gone. For you, if you really wanted to, you still have the choice to reconcile with your friends after a while if you so choose to. You can always become friends again if they are still willing or forgiving enough to water that flower with you. I make the conscious choice to not go back to it, because for me the past is a terrible and frightening memory. Once I stop being friends with someone ik irl, I can’t revert it back. But that’s just me, you can make a different choice, a healthier one. You can still reach out if you really want to and have their number. You can always apologize and ask if they want to start over. It takes time and patience, but if you really want to go for it that is an option.

@echo

i think i use these as excuses for not wanting to care about people. maybe i just don’t want to? it’s bothersome and caring about them means you have to support them and i’m terrible at that and so i feel guilty and worthless and it just makes everything worse. i just end up putting them before myself and sacrifice any sort of happiness i could have if it meant they were happy. maybe it’s because i’m desperate for somebody to care about me? maybe i want to try and do whatever i can so tha

To me, it sounds like you’re afraid of abandonment, so you try your best not to care about people so you don’t have to worry about them in the first place. It sounds more like you use these excuses to not make more friends, because you’re afraid. But then again I don’t know you, so, only you would know. Do you have a therapist to talk about this to? I find talking about friendships is a big topic requirement for therapy, as in it’s something that people struggle with alot. You really care about people to the point it tires you, and you don’t want to because most people don’t feel the same, no one wants to put in the same amount of effort as you, so you are always overwatering the plant to make up for the times your friend didn’t. You just sound, exaughsted. And… I don’t blame you. Of course it feels nice to care about someone, it’s important to care about people. You aren’t a horrible person, and caring for others doesn’t make you one. The reason one might stay longer if you care less could be that they require different tending. Some people don’t want as much attention as others, some are very needy, some are afraid of it, and some are in the middle. It’s just different for everyone. Some people just don’t want as much attention as others. There is nothing wrong about caring for your friends.

I’m sorry you had to deal with bullying, people really are truly terrible. The key to getting rid of bullies nowadays is to either beat the living fuck out of them or ignore them. Don’t let them have their way, don’t hurt yourself because of them.

Alot of the time people exclude you if you’re “not popular” or you just can’t entertain them enough in the way that they want. I know how you feel, in essence, I’ve found having a friend in middle- highschool is usually pretty fucking toxic. Anyone stuck in the mindset of a highschoolers is usually a bit too stuck up or dumb to realize what it really means to care about someone, be in a relationship, or simply have empathy. It’s extremely hard to find a fellow human with empathy there, a human who actually cares and wants to understand. It could either be because they don’t know how to handle people and process their emotions, or their heart is truly full of despicable garbage. You always feel like you’re doing something wrong but you’re not, you’re just being who you are, and those people don’t understand it. They even go as far as to make up stories about you to understand you better, because they don’t beleive anything you say about yourself, they only want to beleive the stories they make up about you and wait at every becking call to pounce on the one negative thing you show about yourself to prove it. People don’t listen.

@echo

it’s true that people won’t be your friend if you’re ugly. why? who the fuck knows.

What?! Man idk either that’s pretty fucking dumb. Hmm, actually, let’s tackle this:

What makes a person ugly anyways? Well the typical ugliness I usually see in a person is the entitled egoists who act like they’re on a high horse and belittle others around them for their own gain. The ones that have no empathy for others, and they’re incapable of not judging someone for more than ten seconds because they have a very shallow and zombie-like mindset and beleive literally anything people say about someone and will follow anyone’s mindset because they don’t have their own. They’re extremely stupid and and an utmost disgrace to society for their behavior. Pretty much no frontal lobe at all, and they are incapable of thinking for anyone but themselves. These, are the people that only judge you for your looks. Now, why would you want someone like that? You you really want a friend that is so full of themselves that they are compeltley convinced that people have their eyes all on them admiring them at all times? To be friends with someone who bases literally all of their values and beleifs only on the physical world? So they sourround themselves of only what makes them look better. We call that a lack of heart, which is the ugliest of them all. On the inside they’re truly more insecure than you are, to the point where they choose to make themselves dumber by following dumb trends that kids shouldn’t be doing, or closing off empathy and acting a certain way to seem “cool”. Why care about having a friend like that at all? I’d say you have saved yourself from quiet a dangerous relationship and mindset. People like that never grow up.

So, you still think you’re ugly? Doesn’t sound like it to me

N: Hi, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Losing friends hurt, and having terrible friends are even badder. I hate to see people suffer with friendships alot. I hope you know one day you’ll find a good friend, it just takes time. For now have self worth and work on weeding out the bad people. Maybe don’t completley give up on trusting, but, be more careful.

Your friend messages you once every few days? That doesn’t seem like much of a friendship to me. Don’t let your desperation for a connection hurt you so much. Yea, it’s a bitch to handle, but don’t self harm because of it. Maybe learn what it is like to be alone with yourself?

I hope you don’t stop caring about others, it’s a very important part about yourself ^~^

-X

[Sita]

what an awesome, positive and truly supportive response! this was a joy to read @anon14688970 !

[Sita]

@echo are you seeing a therapist for any of this?
you’re so awesome and I really wish you could see it. If we develop our sense of self-worth, if we can have that measure of internal peace and being okay by ourselves, it can really help us navigate through our other relationships.

Have you ever done any sort of exercise to develop a kinder view of yourself? You’re so kind to everyone here, but it’s rarer to hear you forgive and accept yourself.

You deserve to be happy and have friends, and you’re amazing just as you are. Friendships change and grow as time passes, but that doesnt take away our value or worth!

You matter, friend, not because of what you do or what you say, or what you can give to others. You matter because you are.
offers big virtual hug or a hearty handshake, if you’re comfortable with those