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Unknown Reason

Well…here I am again. Staying up late questioning my existence. The normal questions of “Do I even matter?”, “Why am I here?”, and “What’s the point?” circle around my head constantly. No surprise there, and honestly it hardly worries me anymore. But, tonight it’s a bit different. Not different in the sense that it’s more intense, but that another enemy has teamed up with the questions to really mess with my head. That band of ruffians is the ideals of self-harm. Oh boy lucky me! Fun fact: They’re really convincing. I haven’t given in yet. Heh…the way I said that makes it sound like it’ll happen. I don’t know if it will happen, but I don’t want it to. If I’m being honest, the thought of just ending it all has crossed my mind lately as well. And yes, lately includes tonight. It just seems like such an easy way to solve all of these problems. I mean, how much damage could it do, right? Well…that’s what I was thinking about for a while. That is, until my partner sent me a random “I love you” text. Then I remembered all the close friends I have and how broken they would be to find out I left by my own hands. So that idea’s out. As much as I love to fantasize over just not existing, I need to stay here for my close friends and my partner. On the surface, I know that they love me and care about me deeply, but at my core there’s something stopping me from fully believing them when they say it. Like, I believe them a whole 97%, but that extra 3% is either doubts that I have, or the walls I’ve built due to my childhood and how I’ve been and am treated by my parentals. It’s almost as if it’s stained the way I trust people. I easily overshare things about my past and have no issue doing so. However, when I get positive things said to me in the way of people loving me and telling me they care about me, it’s hard to fully believe the sincerity of their words. That makes it harder to combat the bad thoughts when they do occupy space in the front of my brain instead of staying in the back. I know, I just rambled a lot, and honestly I don’t know what I’m looking for out of this. Because, in all honesty, I don’t see a point to continuing a clean streak, or a life even, if there isn’t anything good to be had. Like self-harm gives me control, so why stop? And living seems like it brings burdens to others and pain to both others and myself, so why stay? The war seems to be lost so why keep fighting the battles? I don’t know…maybe I’m just exhausted. Maybe I’m just tired of being treated like shit. Maybe all I want is respect and basic human decency from my parentals. Maybe I want them to be proud of me. But since I know those things will never be fully accomplished, so what’s the point in trying, ya know? Anyway, sorry for taking up so much of your time. Love y’all.

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this is at the heart of the lies it tells, isn’t it?
Nothing in your life changes when you self-harm, you get a short burst of feeling in control sure. But then you feel out of control due to the addictive nature of the sh. so… where’s the control in that?
The things you’re wanting - the things you want to yell and shout, the needs you want to be seen and heard and met? Those are all valid, those can all make things a bit better for you. It’s not easy to get these changes, it’s scary and painful to open up, to work past the past.

That random text took you out of the tunnel vision that sh puts you in, where you begin to believe this is the only way you can exert some control. But it’s a way to lose control and start a whole new cycle of behaviours that bring their own new negative feelings.

thought exercise - it’s easy to imagine the end when there’s no more pain for us, but how about we imagine this same life without the pains in it now? Can you imagine things being healed and healthier and more peaceful? What would that look like to you? What things would be different? What would need to change from now to get to there?

Maybe I am rambling too, now. I genuinely care about you and wish you peace tonight and always. You matter to us here, and you matter to your partner and loved ones.

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, yes you do matter very much indeed and if I have to keep telling you that then I will. We care about you so much, you are very important here and yes its hard to believe when our opinions of ourselves a low and tired but you have to remember you are working from a place of negative thoughts, the things your brain are telling you are coming from that place that tell you that you are not worth bothering with and that tell you that you are this burden to others. We are coming from a completely different place a place of clarity and perspective where things don’t seems so bleak. If the war was lost my friend we wouldn’t be here and we are most definaltely here fighting your corner. I wish I knew why your parents are not proud of you, I too wish they were for all of your benefits however as lovely as that would be you do not need anyones approval, there is a saying I love its this: “Approval is a lover who will always break your heart.” I think it says a lot in just a few very true words. I hope that in time a better relationship with you family can be built and I think maybe letting go of expectations on both sides would be a start. In the meantime please be rest assured you are no burden here and you are very much loved, I am very grateful for your partner being there and for telling you what we already know about you. How lovely to have that. Much Love Lisa x

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello again, friend! I’m glad to hear from you again :hrtlegolove:

You definitely do matter. I promise you do and I think you believe you do as well even if sometimes your mind convinces you otherwise. You recognise that there would be people in your life that would be upset if you were taken from them and that means you matter to them and you know that you do. And you understand yourself and your feelings so well. Your level of self-awareness and introspection is incredible, especially for your age. You know yourself better than people three times your age and that is a gift and a talent.

I feel like that 3% of disbelief is common. It is hard to trust and believe people 100% especially when you’ve had people in your life who prove trust is earned and not innate. I hope you continue to trust and believe your friends and partner and that they continue to earn that. You’ve got this, FaeTheProud :hrtlegolove:

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