@soloroad Thank you so much for your reply and for sharing more details. I apologize if I gave the impression of assuming that the contact was over with your parents. It’s not over with mine either. More in some kind of “pause” because the relationship itself was affecting me too much. I was being aware of how their way to “love” me has affected me through my life, and having to keep doing like everything was okay was too hard. Feeling controled, pressured to see them (or even to please them), feeling basically trapped in the relationship… that was absolutely unhealthy. If you’ve also been in a family where emotions and feelings are never shared or seen as taboo, you certainly feel the weight of learning to be in tune with your feelings and expressing them too. It’s like relearning your whole story. It’s heavy.
I’ve always felt so alone in this, i’ve never met anyone with the same story as mine, like i was a monster or something.
I often feel like I’m a bad daughter and just a monster for not being able to do more, to talk more to them at the moment. Like a bad person for somehow preventing my parents to be in touch with a child they love - but not the right way. You are absolutely not alone. It’s just a very complex situation and no decision feels absolutely right, because it would ultimately cause some pain one way or another. It’s about things that are difficult for everyone. But what is sure though, is that asserting our own limits is never wrong, and the way people react is not our burden to carry. Easier said than done for sure.
I can assure you that you are not a monster. You’ve been learning to understand what is right or not, to be more aware of your needs too. When we’ve been used in pushing them away because it would grant us the affection of our parents, then it gets hard to feel like starting over. It’s good that it happens though. Because it means there will be the possibility for relationships to become more balanced over time, if everyone is ready to face the issues that are very real, and to work on them together. In the meantime, you also learn to strengthen yourself, to process your emotions and understand what’s going on inside of your heart. It’s healthy. It’s fair. It’s a right thing to do.
Also he’s usually supporting me by changing my mind (making me think about positive things), taking care of me (being affectionnate), he also makes me feel good about myself by saying i’m strong or else, but i feel like he cannot really understand what i’m going through and give me advice on how to react etc. And i don’t blame for it, at all, is just i need to get that from somewhere else (today it was you !)
I am really glad if you feel less alone today. No one can ever be entirely in your shoes. But for sure, the complexity of such situations can be tough to understand for someone who’s not in it, because it’s not all black or white. It’s made of a lot, lot of grey areas, mixed up feelings, confusion… until clarity comes, little by little.
You sound to really have an amazing boyfriend who is a precious ally to you through all of this. It’s awesome that you trust him that way and that he is responsive in a supportive way. <3
As for feeling alone with this, I would recommend to have a long one of these days of the subreddit r/cptsd. When I was very very alone with this, when even my sister couldn’t be available or understand, I found quite a lot of understanding in this community. I didn’t participate, but I’ve read threads there from time to time. And it was somehow comforting to see that people were going through emotions I was feeling, and dealing with thoughts I was having. However it can be heavy to read those sometimes, and depressing too. So it’s better to be in a good mindset when checking there, and to see it more as a way to acknowledge that we are not alone in our struggles, even when they’re made of a lot of sublteties.
Yes i have an appointement with a psychologist on Tuesday (i plan to open the letter just before that unless i don’t feel like it then), and i see the psychiatrist next Saturday (they work together). I don’t know how i would do without that !
That’s really good! A great perspective. And sounds like a healthy plan as well, regarding the letter. You assure yourself a safety net afterwards + double meetings. I am glad you approach it in such a safe way. You could have been tempted to dive into some kind of self-destruction and use it as a way to hurt yourself. But you know that wouldn’t be fair. And that shows how thoughtful and strong you are too! I’m sure this is also some progress you’ve made since you’ve been addressing all this situation a bit more directly.
If you’re comfortable with it, I’d love to hear some updates from you afterwards. No pressure though. Just really wish it all goes as smooth as possible for you. <3
From April i’ve been in crisis, almost attempted to my life, so i also had to survive and find solutions (the new therapist being the main one).
I am grateful you are here today and didn’t listen to these thoughts at the time. Even more grateful that you’ve taken good actions afterwards so you wouldn’t stay stuck in this situation. That’s very similar to how it’s been for me. Now seeing a good therapist - after an okay-ish one but with a method I didn’t find useful, and a psychiatrist that was a disaster. It takes time also to find the right “fit” regarding therapy/therapist, so I hope you don’t let yourself discouraged either.
So i might do that later but first i have to take care of myself and get better.
Absolutely. One thing at a time. When we are ready to face something, we can feel it. And in the meantime, there’s no need to rush.
Systemic therapy can be very useful as well. Even without directly having a meeting with your family, you can find help through discussions regarding your family and how it works. I’ve had to do last year a family tree for my therapy. It was… heavy, but also somehow very eye-opening in many ways. Just to see how much generational traumas and dysfunctions were repeated over and over. And how much my definition of family has been shaken over time.
In the meantime, make sure to focus on the present for this week end. Enjoy your time with your boyfriend. Let him know if you feel like your mind is spiraling silently, so he could be updated and support you. If you need, consider writing down your plan regarding this letter. Sometimes it really helps to write these things down, so we know how things are going to be, and that we can commit to worry about it only later. Kind of a promise to yourself: okay, it will still be there anyway, but now is not the time.
You deserve to enjoy this week end. No guilt allowed. Everything at its own time. 
Thank youuuu this helps a lot ! 
