I’m not even sure if I’m posting this in the right place but I need somewhere to put my thoughts into words. I can’t stop thinking that my life is spiraling down into a dark abyss. I feel really useless all the time and I really don’t have an idea at what I’m good at. In fact I feel like everything I do I come up short and that I’ll never get better at doing anything. Talking to people has become an aggravating task for me and finding something to talk about to people to keep them interested feels pointless. I can’t ever get over this deep feeling of loneliness I have in my soul. Every day seems to get harder and the more I struggle the more I feel like giving up. I hate admitting that. I’ve given up on so many thing in life: relationships, jobs, friends, family. I only feel tired nowadays. When I was younger it seemed easier to put off these thoughts and focus on the good side of life. But even then I struggled to accept who I was. I guess what’s the hardest is I know I need to try to find some help but I always let my mind talk me out of it and it is taking a lot for me right now to even put this out there. 9 months ago I checked myself into a rehab center to get clean of some substances I was using consistently. It wasn’t anywhere to the point where I was doing these every single day but it felt like it was consuming my life very quickly and I had to find some way to get out. Ever since then people have said I seem strong for doing that or that they are proud of me, but I never see it the same way through my eyes. I can’t help but think of myself as a fake and a loser. I keep letting myself down and I don’t know how to stand up tall and feel confident in who I am. I mean I’ve got a good job and got offered to move up further but nothing feels right still. I want to get better at playing music but it feels like I just suck and that no matter how hard I try i won’t move forward with it. I can barely stay responsible and take care of problems. I just let them sit and eventually do the minimum. I just feel so alone, even with friends around me. I feel worthless. There’s so many “if I did this” or “if I did that” thoughts running through my head. But I know time doesn’t wait for anyone and I can be the only one to create my own future. It’s like a weight constantly on my shoulders. I feel it crushing every bone beneath my skin and I have yet to find a way to grow stronger. Some days I feel great, I have a strong voice, and I can carry on through the day as if everything will be alright. But it only takes the smallest of moments for me to feel sorrow taking over. I just lost one of my best friends almost a month ago. I knew him for 18 years. He was a brother to me and he was too young to be taken from this world. I think about him every day still and I just wish things could be like they used to. He really understood me as a person and we shared a lot of similar qualities and ideologies. But now I just feel lost and broken. And I’m angry and sad and don’t know what to do for the rest of my life.
Thank you for sharing. You needed to get it out. Feeling useless is horrible. We have this thought that we will never amount anything in life. We are our own worst critics. We shouldn’t let those lies get to us. You are in a season. You probably don’t want to be in it. You want to get out of it. It is only temporary. Don’t beat yourself up. You are loved. Don’t give up on family, friends, job, the ones that matter to you. I encourage you to reach out to someone you know in real life. Only one you can before you talk to more. You will overcome. If you want to vent more, this forum is still open. This community is here with you and for you. HeartSupport loves you.
Thank you for sharing all this here. That is a lot of weight to be carrying and I hope that it helps to share it and step back a bit. I encourage you to take things one day at a time and do what is best for you to successfully get through that day. It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself at the moment but know that for so many people it’s hard to juggle job, music, people, relationships, etc. You don’t have to figure out the rest of your life right now.
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend We are here to listen any time that you need to share anything. I hope that you are able to experience some peace after sharing.
Thank you for being vulnerable and putting your thoughts out for us to read. That takes courage. I am glad that you were able to reach out and seek support. It sounds like you have a lot of stuff going on in your life. It’s important to be kind to yourself and give yourself understanding if you make a mistake. Life is all about learning and to learn we have to make mistakes! It must be really hard to have lost someone so special to you. It makes a lot of sense that you feel lonely. I like to write letter to people who have passed, even though I can’t give it to them. We are all here for you and keep reaching out!