Unsure on the future

 Been in kinda a dark place recently, I've got a decent life like no obvious issues that anyone can see but somehow that makes this feel worse. 
 Like I'm usually okay but then out of nowhere it hits me like a truck. Just the feeling that I'm doing something wrong or that I'm just delaying something inevitable. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong or what is inevitable! It's like a nightly torture. It's gotten to the point where I can't sleep and hardly eat. I have to either drink till I can't feel pain or take a ton of pills to be able to sleep. I just want it to end. I don't want to die, I could never do that. I just don't like having to feel this way. It pisses me off so much. Why the fuck me!? Why now!? Why anyone for that matter?!
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Hey there! Welcome to the Heart Support community!

I’m very sorry you’re going through this dark time in you’re life. I don’t want you going through this alone. I’d suggest writing these thoughts out in journal form and see if you can find a place you can go to for counseling (if available and you’re willing to try it out).

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That sounds like a hard way to live with feeling that unannounced anxiety. The thing about anxiety is that there isn’t always a reason for feeling this way, which does make it hard to combat. When those times hit, it’s good to have a community to help you through. It’s also good to see a therapist and/or a doctor/psychiatrist for options and techniques for dealing with it.
You don’t have to do this alone. Hold Fast.

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I wish it were that easy. But you really nailed it with unannounced. I think there’s a total of about 5 people who know how I feel, me included. I don’t think I’d be able to handle everyone knowing, it would just mess up so much for me. It sometimes feels like it’s better to live with the feeling and pain and having to hide it rather than admit to the world that I can’t handle my own mind