Recently I sunk hard in depressive and even suicidal thoughts. I felt unlovable, I felt shameful, and I felt guilty for my actions. I began to lose interest in things in life. I didn’t think I was allowed to be happy because of my sins. And it hurt me a lot. It hindered my relationships with my family, specifically my wife and my son. They had to deal with an emotionless being that was me.
But I finally came to a conclusion. If I wanted change, I need to confess what I knew I was doing wrong in life. I needed to change what I was doing wrong and push toward something right.
Since high school (possibly even before that, but my memory can’t stretch that far back much) I dealt with an addiction to pornography and other things that came with that. It was an escape from reality when i was stressed or angry, and it eventually just became a bad habit that I didn’t even enjoy anymore. I’ve tried to quit from it too many times, all on my own. I hid the addiction and tried to beat it in secret because I was too afraid of what would happen if someone found out. But eventually, I got to the point of where I knew if I didn’t change, I would never amount to something more. I would never reach my dreams. i would never reach any form of potential that is good for me. I would never be able to fully enjoy my life with my family. So a little over a week ago, I confessed my addictions. I confessed it privately with God and asked for forgiveness, and I confessed it to my wife as well and begged for her forgiveness too. I look back and see that I shouldn’t have been afraid. I know she was hurt by it, and I know she’s still working through things as we deal with this together. But all I could imagine was her leaving. Her never looking at me the same ever again. Her leaving and taking our son with her. Or even making me leave. I couldn’t tell her for so long, but I finally did. I think I may have ever cried in front of her at least once, but when I confessed this to her, I was a mess. I was bawling, moaning, and yelling just in sheer panic and disgust with myself. And she held me. She forgave me. She promised to work through it with me.
I cannot explain the feeling fully enough, but in that moment, it felt like I was wearing weights all over my body, and they just fell one by one. A weight on my back, my arms, my neck, my legs. I felt light as a feather…I felt nothing but freedom. It was the most difficult thing I think I’ve ever done, but I wouldn’t go back to the shame and hiding of my sin. That would’ve been even more difficult.
I say all of that to get to this point. I’ve been just over a week in a recovery process. I’ve come to a point where I believe I can share this in a public but safe space and not feel shame or guilt or fear of being demonized or ousted. I feel free. And I feel a joy that I cannot express. I feel my relationship with God mending. I’ve prayed more than I have in the last week than I have in probably ten years. I’ve read my Bible more in the last month than I have in years. I know that this was the right thing for me to do. I want to celebrate a victory that I could not do on my own.
I have so much more to work through. Temptation is real, I believe relapse is real, and though I fear it, I am ready to work through recovery. I’m praying over who I can trust to be allies that work with me in running toward righteousness. I need to run in the opposite direction of sin every day or I will fall back into bad habits, and it’s really hard to do 24/7. But I believe that I can by God’s help surround myself with people, especially Christians, who will help guide me toward the path God has for me.
I want to thank everyone who’s responded to my posts recently, to those who have checked on me and prayed for me. I wouldn’t be here without you. I may not have responded to you directly, but you kept me encouraged when I wanted to disappear. Thank you. I hope to write a weekly journaling post here to show progress and hopefully encourage anyone else dealing with this. If you are, tell someone. You don’t need to be alone. You don’t need to suffer in silence. You don’t need to run and hide in shame. I did for too long and it almost killed me. Come into the light, and let’s run together.
Thanks again <3
Take care, friend.