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Update: communication

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#1

So I had a conversation with my best friend about me having mental health issues. She… actually kept trying to make me laugh while we were talking? I couldn’t stop laughing and she kept going and I was dying while I was trying to be serious. But she did end up hearing me out and the conversation made me think. She said to think of me as a real sister, like someone that’s always apart of my life. Even if we’re not communicating as much some days or if she is busy, she is still there and she still loves me even when absent.

I really thought about it and the concept seemed to calm my anxiety down. She took me as a part of herself despite us not being related. I feel a whole lot better and more comfortable in the silence.

I don’t have to prove myself or anything, just do my best

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#2

That is absolutely true. You are fortunate to have such a friend. Please check back in with us from time to time, so we’ll know how you’re doing.

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#3

Well done for communicating together. That’s the most beautiful part about strong friendships: there is no real need to be constantly together or communicating. The bond that is shared goes beyond distance and time.

Whenever you are overwhelmed by doubts and fears, remember this conversation and the fact that once you reconnect together, it is as if you never stopped discussing. With some people, it just goes naturally. It takes time to get used to it when we fear loneliness and/or rejection. But it is absolutely something that anyone can be able to get used to. I believe in you. :hrtlegolove:

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#4

Aww :heart: . This post made me so happy. Come here you :hugs:. I am so glad you had this conversation and that it ended like it did. Now you have a really cool sister. Congratulations :slightly_smiling_face:! I am glad you have somebody in your life who can make you laugh so much. It had eased your anxiety which is great. I am also proud of you for being brave and reaching out. You are both amazing :slightly_smiling_face:

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#5

This is something I had to read up on, and learn how to navigate myself. I know you aren’t diagnosed with bpd, but your relationship with your friend reminded me of one of mine. So I just wanted to share this and see if any of it resonates or relates to your general experience with your friendships. It might help if you used your posts here and tracked the emotions behind them, (from first excited post to first doubts, etc), because lists help, seeing things with evidence help us make informed choices.

Six stages of a bpd (borderline personality disorder) relationship are:

  • Stage 1: A new relationship begins, and while it appears positive, it’s often also perceived as moving quickly. However, there seems to be a mutual desire to build a future together. One partner, usually the one with BPD, idealizes the relationship based on a few dates. They may begin to fixate on the relationship and this person.

  • Stage 2: The BPD partner becomes increasingly sensitive to everything their partner does or says. Negative perceptions trigger fears of abandonment and feelings of low self-worth. The BPD partner begins to tell themselves a narrative about how their partner doesn’t love them.

  • Stage 3: The partner with BPD sets up a situation in the relationship that pushes the other person to demonstrate their love. Their goal is to feel worthy and put a stop to anxiety by leading or engage in impulsive, desperate attempts to get the other person to show affection.

  • Stage 4: Inconsistency and instability causes friction and discord. There may be more issues, causing that same anxiety to come back stronger. The partner without BPD may appear calm and happy, but by this stage, their needs are unlikely to be met. This creates a bigger wedge.

  • Stage 5: The non-BPD partner usually leaves the relationship at this point. The BPD partner may try to explain and make excuses for what occurred, while the non-BPD partner is emotionally checked out.

  • Stage 6: The BPD partner may feel depressed and angry and start to experience extreme mood swings. They believe the negative inner monologue that says they’re worthless. Their emotional volatility is so strong that they may engage in risky, life-threatening behaviors…

This isn’t to say that this is how it WILL go. But it’s useful, in my opinion at least, to know if the patterns in your friendship are following the established patterns of something. This way it’s not just YOU feeling this way, but it’s the way that brains work for some people. This can connect you with a community, and make you realize that it’s NOT just you who’s going through this sort of highs and lows in your friendship, but it’s sort of expected. Knowing what to expect, what to look out for helps empower you and prepare for it!

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#6

Hi @Amaris @Sita
I just wanted to point out that when it comes to people with BPD being “manipulative” its not exactly true. Manipukation tends to be well thought out ahead of time and has a direct goal. What people with BPD are doing are attempts to get love and lose the fear of abandonment and those are definitely not well thought out, they are more impulsive and are triggered by intense emotion. It comes from a place of pain and love. It can be persieved as manipulative but in its core its not. Its more like a desperate attemt to not be hurt and be loved. People with bpd can be manipulative but not because they have BPD but because they were already like that before. It has nothing to do with BPD.

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#7

i see that is a term that’s frowned up, i edited it out, thanks!

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#8

Amaris, I know a lot of us keep referring to BPD but you’ve been actually diagnosed with ADHD. They just have similiar symptoms. I found this really detailed reddit post. I don’t usually read reddit stuff but this was really well written and helped me to understand you better. I hope it helps you.

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#9

I find that this really resonates with my last relationship. It was an online relationship. Even down to the 5th stage where they emotionality checked out. And near the 6th stage was when it got really bad. I had my first suicide attempt

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#10

I’m glad it resonated with you!

I truly hope that it gives you comfort to know that the things you experience are not just a “you thing”, but that there are SO MANY others who also experience it! It’s actually so common that they were able to form this sort of step-process! They’ve studied it and there are ways to help manage it, cope with it, and help you understand you <3
You’re not alone in this, that’s my main point. And I hope that this can help you understand yourself better and why you feel things so intensely.
You matter, friend :slight_smile: glad you’re here with us!

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