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Update!(forgot what number im on)

This is kind of a mixture of journaling and asking for help

Never have I ever felt so secure in a friendship. This has to be the first time where I feel like I’m not competing for someone’s time and attention. It actually feels like love. To me, this is what love is. Feeling supported, unafraid to be yourself, and just feeling comfortable.

And I don’t feel jealous because I know each time spent with someone is unique. I have something about me that’s unique to me and me only. And I feel appreciated for that. No one can replicate me.

But besides the good news, I’m kinda worried about my own life right now.

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My relationship with my mother is getting worse and worse. My dad is starting to look really sick. He’s still cheating and I think the obsession with this girl he is texting is killing him slowly. This women periodically blocks and unblocks him. On good days, he is interacting with everyone, even the knowledge that she at least read his message makes him feel better.

But once he is blocked, he stopped communicating with me and everyone else. He sleeps more and he looks really irritated.

As for my mom, she starting to see that I’ve been developing my own identity and she doesn’t like that. She keeps believing that I’m being manipulated by someone or talking to the wrong people when for the last 4 years, that has never been the case.

She recently admitted that she hated and didn’t like my style. My taste for horror, dark clothes, the aesthetic I chose. And honestly I kinda liked hearing that. It was straight forward instead of saying ugly or crazy it was.

She called me “white” I guess as a joke because black people aren’t really into stuff like that I guess. For some reason it hurt me despite laughing it off.

Like why can’t I just be me? Kinda weird to say that it’s a “white” thing. I don’t like it and rubs me the wrong way. Like black people are only supposed to fit into certain boxes.

Also I’ve been worried about what to do on the day of my highschool graduation ceremony. Like how to act or present myself and I don’t want to look like a fool up there since a pageantry kind of event. So tips and guides are much appreciated.

And one more thing…

I think I’ve come to accept the fact that I do act childish at times. I love looking at the world through childish wonder. I like giggling for no reason and just talking on and on about whatever. I love picking leaves, singing to flowers, treating all the bugs like they’re my friends.

Doesn’t mean I’m just going to completely drop my life and responsibilities.

It just means I’m gonna enjoy the world in a way that is authentic and comfortable to me.

4 Likes

From: basicmitch818

Im glad to hear that you are not letting others tell you how to act or be. I think the things you described as “childish” sound absolutely wonderful! Just remember, always be unapologetically you. You have nothing to prove to anyone. Being you is where true happiness lays. Much love! You got this!

2 Likes

From: Micro

Hey Amaris,

I am absolutely blown away by your outlook on all of these aspects of your life. Throughout your posts, it has been absolutely noticeable how much you have grown, learned and progressed. About your identity, for example, it’s not just about your tastes and what you like. It’s also about how more and more assertive you become, how you learn to reclaim a voice that is yours and to be at peace with who you are. We all lose so much time trying to match standards that are not ours and constantly life away from us. What you’re saying now is “no”. A simple but determined “no”, and that is truly beautiful. Yes, you have the right to like what you like. And oh goodness being childish is not a pejorative word at all! The more I go on in adult life and the more I cherish the times when I’m able to have an outlook of wonder and curiosity with the world around me. My partner and I name insects. I make silly jokes. I love bombing people with cute emotes. At the end of the day, I’m still paying bills and holding my responsibilities! It’s not contradictory. On the contrary, we all need to let our inner child a little more space. There’s enough stress, cynism and constant reasons to be serious in this world. Let’s add beauty and poetry each time we can. We all need it.

Amaris, thank you for being you. and thank you for sharing parts of your life, of your heart, with us here. It’s a blessing, and I hope that with time, your parents will learn to give more place to unconditional love, and a little less to their fears or worries.

Hold Fast. We believe in you. :hrtlegolove:

1 Like

From: Aces MCL36M

Hallos! First of all be yourself when it comes to your graduation party. School always encourages you to be your self that represents you. It’s not really good of your mum to be sterotyping you as a “white” person I don’t really know what that means as I’m friends with both race people and they both dress the exact same thing. I say don’t listen to your mum as she cant force you to tell you what to wear. Be your self. Maybe she’s jelous of you’re taste who knows.

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From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

Hello Amaris. I am so proud of you :slightly_smiling_face:. You have grown so much. As you have said its ok to be yourself and its ok to be authentic. There will be people who might not like you but thats ok. It just shows you that those people are not really the types of people who you would like to hang around. We all like different things its only natural. I could really feel the heat from your words when you described how love feels. How one feels comfortable in someone elses presence. You really good at describing emotions. I am sorry that you have to deal with your families problems. It sucks. Your dads cheating. You mums rodeness and closemindedness. But you have a friend that is there for you and we are here for you too. When it comes to the clothes… I am a guy. I dont know much about fashion. So I am just going to say were what ever you like :slightly_smiling_face:. I hope it all turns out well :wink:

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