This is kind of a mixture of journaling and asking for help
Never have I ever felt so secure in a friendship. This has to be the first time where I feel like I’m not competing for someone’s time and attention. It actually feels like love. To me, this is what love is. Feeling supported, unafraid to be yourself, and just feeling comfortable.
And I don’t feel jealous because I know each time spent with someone is unique. I have something about me that’s unique to me and me only. And I feel appreciated for that. No one can replicate me.
But besides the good news, I’m kinda worried about my own life right now.
My relationship with my mother is getting worse and worse. My dad is starting to look really sick. He’s still cheating and I think the obsession with this girl he is texting is killing him slowly. This women periodically blocks and unblocks him. On good days, he is interacting with everyone, even the knowledge that she at least read his message makes him feel better.
But once he is blocked, he stopped communicating with me and everyone else. He sleeps more and he looks really irritated.
As for my mom, she starting to see that I’ve been developing my own identity and she doesn’t like that. She keeps believing that I’m being manipulated by someone or talking to the wrong people when for the last 4 years, that has never been the case.
She recently admitted that she hated and didn’t like my style. My taste for horror, dark clothes, the aesthetic I chose. And honestly I kinda liked hearing that. It was straight forward instead of saying ugly or crazy it was.
She called me “white” I guess as a joke because black people aren’t really into stuff like that I guess. For some reason it hurt me despite laughing it off.
Like why can’t I just be me? Kinda weird to say that it’s a “white” thing. I don’t like it and rubs me the wrong way. Like black people are only supposed to fit into certain boxes.
Also I’ve been worried about what to do on the day of my highschool graduation ceremony. Like how to act or present myself and I don’t want to look like a fool up there since a pageantry kind of event. So tips and guides are much appreciated.
And one more thing…
I think I’ve come to accept the fact that I do act childish at times. I love looking at the world through childish wonder. I like giggling for no reason and just talking on and on about whatever. I love picking leaves, singing to flowers, treating all the bugs like they’re my friends.
Doesn’t mean I’m just going to completely drop my life and responsibilities.
It just means I’m gonna enjoy the world in a way that is authentic and comfortable to me.