TW//Idk weird stuff//suicide//this post is a mess
I’m gonna get intimate here
I feel really ashamed right now because I’ve ghosted my friend. They haven’t sent anything as far as I know but I haven’t sent any messages.
Deleted discord so its less painful.
I’ve slept for most of my day. And sometimes I even forget they exist in efforts to not think about them. But when I do, my heart hurts. It was so bad eariler, like when I took a breathe my chest was in pain.
This is probably the 2nd worst thing I’ve done, next to the time I unintentionally guilt tripped my ex online boyfriend with my first suicide attempt after he broke up with me.
For some reason today, I’ve started writing a story. It’s about my comfort character and I’ve decided to insert myself in first person.
This character is a sadomasochistic villain. I think my guess as to the reason I feel so safe with them is that I feel like a monster. I feel awful, like a terrible person. I know the things they’ve done is far worse than me.
I feel like in the presence of them, I don’t seem so bad. They were my favorite character but at a time like this, they’ve upgraded to a source of comfort.
And in this weird fanfiction I created, I’m about to commit suicide and then they show up and despite them being so cruel, I’m saved somehow.
Instead of killing me, I’m turned into sort of a human pet and subjected to his unusual tauntings and emotionally tortured in the weirdest way possible. I have to put up with his weird decisions. But in a funny way sometimes.
He is far from sane and I wanna write him in a way that’s closest to his personality. I kinda like them like that.
I just have differnet adventures and situations planned for this character
Somehow I always start writing when I’m depressed. And then it turns into something new.
Also I tried to overdose on melatonin last night. I knew it wasn’t going to kill me. I just wanted to feel something other than heartache. Instead I ended up feeling very agitated.
I checked my astrologic chart and its scary how it all relates to how I’m feeling right now. I’m in a tough period. My zodiac is cancer and I have the same sign in both my sun AND moon placement. I am just an emotional mess