Update: my weird way of coping and going with the flow

TW//Idk weird stuff//suicide//this post is a mess
I’m gonna get intimate here

I feel really ashamed right now because I’ve ghosted my friend. They haven’t sent anything as far as I know but I haven’t sent any messages.

Deleted discord so its less painful.

I’ve slept for most of my day. And sometimes I even forget they exist in efforts to not think about them. But when I do, my heart hurts. It was so bad eariler, like when I took a breathe my chest was in pain.

This is probably the 2nd worst thing I’ve done, next to the time I unintentionally guilt tripped my ex online boyfriend with my first suicide attempt after he broke up with me.

For some reason today, I’ve started writing a story. It’s about my comfort character and I’ve decided to insert myself in first person.

This character is a sadomasochistic villain. I think my guess as to the reason I feel so safe with them is that I feel like a monster. I feel awful, like a terrible person. I know the things they’ve done is far worse than me.

I feel like in the presence of them, I don’t seem so bad. They were my favorite character but at a time like this, they’ve upgraded to a source of comfort.

And in this weird fanfiction I created, I’m about to commit suicide and then they show up and despite them being so cruel, I’m saved somehow.

Instead of killing me, I’m turned into sort of a human pet and subjected to his unusual tauntings and emotionally tortured in the weirdest way possible. I have to put up with his weird decisions. But in a funny way sometimes.

He is far from sane and I wanna write him in a way that’s closest to his personality. I kinda like them like that.

I just have differnet adventures and situations planned for this character

Somehow I always start writing when I’m depressed. And then it turns into something new.

Also I tried to overdose on melatonin last night. I knew it wasn’t going to kill me. I just wanted to feel something other than heartache. Instead I ended up feeling very agitated.

I checked my astrologic chart and its scary how it all relates to how I’m feeling right now. I’m in a tough period. My zodiac is cancer and I have the same sign in both my sun AND moon placement. I am just an emotional mess

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Hi Amaris.
I am glad you posted. I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. Amaris i know you feel hurt but please reconect with your friend. They dont deserve to be hurt and you dont deserve to be hurt either. You both like each other, soplease dont cause pain to the both of you. explain your situation to them. Tell them how you felt. I am sure they will understand. they care about you. You are a very sensitive person Amaris and thats a huge streangh and weakness at the same time. Its like a sword with a double bladed edge. It can hurt you badly. Try to breath and calm yourself. Apologise to your friend and reconect with them. I am sure they will love to hear from you again.

I am glad you are writing Amaris. Its a very healthy way to cope :slightly_smiling_face:. Dont restrain yourself with your writing. Its your story and your characters. You are the author. Sometimes we project things into the characters we make that are parts of ourselves. Its just natural. But please know that i dont think you are the villain. You are just a complex person that is hurting. Making mistakes doesnt make you a villain, it makes you human. I am glad you are still here with us. Please dont try to kill yourself. If you are hurting so much you no longer want to live please contact a suicide hotline. There are compassionate people that can help you. I dont really believe in astrology but i believe that in this time you are really struggling and you need all the support you can get. So please contact your friend. I am sure they love and care about you. We are always here to listen Amaris. Hang in there :heart:

You split from your friend without knowing why they haven’t been around?

I’ve done this too. It’s easier to just put them out of your life instead of going thru the hurt of them abandoning you. By getting rid of any proof they were in your life at all. Unfortunately, when you have a fear of abandonment this happens a lot with relationships. You see them not DMing you back right away as them not liking you anymore or not wanting to be around you.

You still go thru the hurt anyway and it’s very painful. I know, I’ve been there many times. You can’t stop thinking about them (called ruminating) and you obsess about the whole thing. Sometimes you realize that abandoning them wasn’t the right thing to do so you try to reconnect. Sometimes, you don’t and the friendship is lost. I know this pattern very well.

Sometimes its good to just take a step back and look at the facts that make your fears valid and think about the facts that make your fears invalid, like they have said they care about you and how you loved hanging out with them. Try to remember all the good feelings you had and how safe you felt. Then think things over again and see if you still feel the same fears.

Remember you have no proof that they were going to abandon you, this is JUST your perception.

Really think about that.

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They have my number so they messaged me through that even if I didn’t have discord. But I’m too scared to say anything back

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Thats great Amaris. They care about you. Please contact them and explain. You are too important for each other :heart:

I know you are scared but they are worth it. You are worth it. Dont let this amazing person slip out of your life.

What if I want them to leave? I think I seriously downplayed my crisis because I don’t want to put the pressure on them. It’s not fair especially because I’ve mostly made up my mind about giving up. I want them to forget about me. It would be a less painful situation if I just stopped holding on. If I didn’t send the first message, they probably would have never said anything.

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I know you have your reasons to let them go Amaris but I think they have a say in this too. They are your friend after all. The least you can do is talk to them and explain yourself and let them explain what they feel. Friends should listen to each other and hear each other out.

I have been following these threads but not answering as I have had a lot on my plate but I wanted to offer another perspective on this.

No, they don’t have a say in this.

Amaris knows what they feel in their heart to be best for them. I have seen the highs and lows that are caused when this person is/isn’t around. I am a firm believer that anything or anyone that causes that much turbulence in your life just isn’t worth being there because, while the good times are good, the bad times are very, very bad and if they are a detriment to overall well being then it’s best that they aren’t around until you get your mental health sorted. And THAT, at the end of the day, means that person has no say.

Do what you feel is right and best for you Amaris.

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@Amaris - Thank you for sharing all of this. May I ask if you are safe right now?

If you feel like hurting yourself again, please consider reaching out to crisis lines as well. You don’t need to stay alone when you navigate such raw and deep emotions.

We care about you. :hrtlegolove:

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