Update/not sure

Please ignore this post

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When it comes to physically fighting someone you love, there is never a valid reason for it. Someone you deeply connect with shouldn’t be physically harming you. If you show obvious love and care for them, and they are showing this its definetly not healthy nor a good sign. I’d consider it a red flag. Do you think they were hiding this side of them from you? And do you really think it’s soemthing more going on? When exactly would you say this change happened?

Please don’t take that route, it never ends nicely. You’re cared for and you have no reason to be in a situation like this. Do you think you can stay safe with yourself until it gets a bit better? Do you think you will move out?

-X

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Hi Bimini
Your partner should not be physicaly harming you. Like @Systemofconfusion said I would consider it a red flag. Now the important thing is to not just let it go. Tell them that this is not normal and that your are not willing to put up with their violent side. They should definitely make amends and if anger issues and violence is something they have issues with you should encourage them to work on them.

I am sorry this has caused you to have those dark thoughts again. Have you been going to a therapist? It might be good to talk about it with them.

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most people don’t want to be hit, so they dont provoke someone to do so. Anyone who suggests that you’re “Asking for it” is making you the wrong person. The person who hits another person, and its not self defense or to protect someone else, is a coward and a bully and 100% wrong.

Hitting your partner also never sounds like “a phase” and certainly ignoring can never be the solution.

Why end life though? There is so much to experience and enjoy by yourself? One person who hits you and makes you feel bad show make you end things with them, NOT WITH YOURSELF!

You’re worthy of so much, and his partner can’t see that, well their loss. Don’t throw away a life of potential for someone like that.

We’re here for you to hold your hand through this!

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Dear @Bimini,

Your presence is appreciated here. And sharing what’s on your heart is not attention seeking. It’s okay to express yourself in safe places, and what matters to you matters to us as well. I’m really glad that you can use this forum without feeling any pressure to respond or to make decisions immediately. It’s so important to do things on your own time, to process things at your own pace.

I’m sorry that thinking again about ways to end it all has been on your mind lately. You really don’t deserve to even think about it as an option. Your existence is important, even if it’s hard for you to see it these days. You know, when we have that kind of thought, it’s not really a matter of life and death, but a real need to change situations in our life that make us suffer and feel hopeless. It’s about finding peace, finding solutions and reducing the pain. And as much as erasing everything seems tempting at times, when we focus on that we generally neglect all the other options that we may have, but need to look after more actively.

Your situation with your parner right now sounds really stressful, and it makes sense to feel exhausted because of it. The person we share our life with holds a lot of space, both emotionally and physically. When you start seeing a different side of them, one you’d have never imagined to be seen at all, it’s like your world is turned upside down. So your mind wanders and look after ways to explain and rationalize… it has t o be temporary, or it has to be because of an attitude, or a word, anything that could be changed, right? Unfortunately, the fact that a partner starts to be physical is never because of the person they share their life with. The issue is between them and themselves. It can be a very complex mix of reasons, but it’s always something that the person has to work on one way or another. One time is already one time too much. You, on your end, don’t deserve to start asking yourself if it was your fault or not. I obviously don’t know the context of your relationship, but I can assure you that it’s not your fault. Being physical is a line that cannot be crossed. It is the responsibility of the person who acted that way.

Do you want to talk about what happened precisely? It’s not an obligation of course. I just want to invite you to have that possibility.

Your life matters, friend. This situation is indeed a red flag, even though that’s probably not what you want to read. Know that we care about you here. We want the best for you. And physical safety, safety where you life, is a fundamental need that you deserve to have.

You’re not alone. I’m super proud of you for reaching out about what happened and what’s going on in your mind. :hrtlegolove:

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@Bimini

Coming from an abusive marriage for almost 18yrs, my advice is to get out now. Seriously, just don’t even let it go on, don’t make excuses for them, don’t let them make it your fault… just leave. This is how it started with me. He wasn’t physical with us, but he was very violent with everything around us. It started with just throwing something small or out bursts of anger and over time it got really bad. Holes in the walls, doors ripped off their hinges … etc you get the picture.

There are shelters and lots of resources for domestic abuse out there.

Be safe. :hrtlegolove:

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You haven’t done anything wrong @Bimini and you are not responsible of his behavior. Even if he was triggered by something, handling is own emotions is something he needs to learn on his own/with the help of someone (and that someone is not you). What he did - becoming physical like this - is not okay. He doesn’t own the right to hurt you or even to make you feel scared of his reactions. A husband, a partner, has to be safe person for the other partner. There is a need to provide a sense of safety and care, which can never happen if it is combined with any type of violence.

Basically I feel almost trapped no matter where I turn, so it feels like the only way out is literally out.

When you sit down and look at the whole situation, what are the options that come to your mind? Your voice/your feelings are what matter the most here.

I promise you that as much as hurting yourself/disappearing can be a seducing idea for you, because of the stress and hurt you’ve been carrying, it is not an option and you have a life ahead of you to keep living, but with better circumstances. There are ways to get help in the situation you’re in, but it requires you to consider these solutions as such. You have us here to keep supporting you through all of this. We want to encourage to do what is necessary to be safe, and reach out to services or organizations in your area that could help you in a practical way. We can discuss these options here together if you want. You’re not alone, okay? :hrtlegolove:

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@Bimini,

It surely feels like a repeated cycle, and I’m sorry you are experiencing this. I’ve been through multiple situations of abuse and violence in my life, and have internalized for a long time that the issue might be just me. After all, I am the common denominator, right?

You know where I go with this already, but I think it’s important to say it in case your mind wanders in places it shouldn’t. What’s happening with your partner is not your fault, and the past abuses you’ve known were not either. There are circumstances that surround you, and unfortunately right now it also sounds familiar to you. But it is possible to live a fulfilling life with safe people and in safe environments.

If you haven’t told anyone about your dark thoughts, then I’m even more proud of you for opening up about it here. From my humble experience, the worst with these thoughts is to stay alone. Because even if we don’t necessarily believe in the words of comfort that others would share with us, we still hear them, we still need them, and it still has an impact on us.

You’ve mentioned consequences from eventually going back to your family - I assume it comes down to the physical and mental destruction you’ve mentioned as well? If your family is not safe, then indeed it is not an option. The priority is for you to be safe, not to trade one plague for another.

At the moment, how does your support system look like? Beyond your family and your husband, do you have people in your life whom you trust/would trust with your current situation and could help you? Whether by welcoming you at their place temporarily, or to help you take some practical steps in order to ask for help outside of your current relationships.

I’m thinking of you today. I hope things at home have been more calm lately. Not that it would erase any of what happened. You just deserve some peace right now.

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This sounds like there are some more cultural issues about going back home, than just escaping your husband.

Part of my ancestral past has this awful saying that the only time a woman should leave her home is on the way to the funeral ground, which is the biggest crap ever.
I have amended it to be: “better to welcome back your daughter to your home alive than have to collect her body from her husband’s home”.

If you haven’t had much life experience outside your family, then it sounds to me that you have a TON of exciting experiences and adventures to do still!

You know what’s the most positive thing you could leave behind? Genuine happiness. There is no reason to end things if your marriage ends. If you family is one of those who has these ideas of how it “will look” to the society, then you know what? Maybe it’s time to fly solo for a bit! Maybe a new place, new state, new country?

I like having you around, and I think the world is better with you in it, you have a kind soul.

You deserve to have a life that’s peaceful and happy.

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Have you ever just been too scared to turn anywhere else? Realistically I know that I shouldn’t complain and just fight myself with what to do. It’s either commit to the current plan or commit to just leaving this place.

I have felt that way. Mostly because I have grown in an abusive environment where sharing how we feel was just not a thing at all. I have internalized early in life how to rely just on myself, which has helped me survive for a long time. But this strategy has its own limits. My limits where, like you, a matter of life and death - or at least the perception that it was like this. After trying to attempt to my life without trying the other options I had (at the time - seeing a therapist again, considering medications, which was absolutely impossible in my mind), I was just overwhelmed by the feeling that it was not fair nor right to do that to myself. There are so many horrible things happening in this world, so many things that put us down in our lives. We don’t deserve to give up on ourselves without stepping a bit out of our comfort zone first. There are ways to get help depending on the situations we’re in. And getting there doesn’t have to be done alone either.

There are always situations in life that require us to be helped. Just because life can be very wild and at some point there’s only so much we can do just by ourselves. Others complete us. You know it somehow, because you are here. You are reaching out. But I get that there is some kind of comfort too in being anonymous and online, as it doesn’t directly affect our life or change the situations we’re in. Steps still need to be taken by us, which can be very scary.

Realistically, what would happen if you ask for help and leave this place? What are your strongest fears attached to this idea? No bad/wrong answer. It’s just what’s on your heart and that’s totally fine.

Maybe it’s my age that makes me naive or maybe it’s just because I haven’t really lived life outside my strict family.

I have seen you posting both for yourself and to help others, and being “naive” is certainly not what you convey. Quite the opposite. You are very thoughtful. It’s a strength. But it can also be a curse when it is turned into something that make you feel alone in your life, or hopeless. Growing too early in life doesn’t make someone naive, far from it.

For at least the next month or so my plan is to be positive to people here as much as I can and leave something positive behind

That’s wonderful. Although I want to encourage to keep consider discussing your options here with us. We want to help you. We may just be behind computer/phone screens, but we are very real and genuinely care about you. It’s amazing that you want to share something positive, and I can tell that you have an impact in this community already. But your life context won’t be forgotten either. It’s important to not dismiss that when it’s a matter of physical and emotional safety, my friend. You deserve peace and healing. You deserve to be in an environment that wouldn’t put you down over and over. There is so much beauty and life within you that deserve to be unfold unapologetically. :hrtlegolove:

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It’s been a while that I intended to respond to you, but as you see sometimes I fail greatly. /facepalm

My apologies. I really appreciate how you’ve been communicating and opening up here. That is not taken for granted.

But I do think that I would like to talk to an aunt and uncle and work something out with them if they are willing.

I would also love for you to do that. Thinking that you deserve the situation you’re in is a way to make sense of it. When we feel helpless and as if something significant in our life is out of our control, we often create a narrative in which we put the blame on ourselves. It is a way to rationalize a situation that doesn’t seem to make any sense. To potentially identify a cause, so we can feel safe again, because if we know the cause and have control over it, then we can solve the situation, right?

I can promise you that you are not at fault and you don’t deserve any of this situation. No one does. You’ve been showing love to others here on this Wall, and I’m sure you can project, even just a little bit, how it would be to respond to your own thread right here as a supporter. You would see the situation from the outside, how much the person sharing is valuable, worthy of love and respect, and how much the blame has to be put on someone else’s shoulders, but not theirs.

If I can do that then I know I don’t have to give up.

In case it wouldn’t be positive on their end, that wouldn’t mean giving up would be an option. There are other options, maybe some that are a little more stressful, as it would imply for example to reach out to services/nonprofits who could welcome you and help you while having to move somewhere else. But, one step at a time, okay? This is all about trying and adapting to the circumstances/possibilities that would appear when you reach out to someone. But through it all, there is no dead end for you. And I’m willing to be by your side, even just virtually, to remind all of this to you when you would need it. You are not alone. I mean that.

The funny thing is that even when I do want to give up, there’s something else in me saying that I can’t yet because I’ll be too easily forgotten. I don’t want to leave this world with my only journey being what it has been.

There is a spark of life in you that deserves to be treasured and cherished. There’s a will to fight for all the experiences you deserve to have and have yet to become. Experiences away from an unhealthy environment, and stemming from fundamental needs that would be met, such as being safe where you live.

I see you, friend. I don’t forget what you’ve been sharing bravely. I care about you.

@Bimini its because I/we genuinely care. You are such a lovely person. You are so special. You deserve time and kindness to be spent on and with you and because you are do lovely you make it a real pleasure so thank you. Xx

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Oh @Bimini, this is just… you are incredible. I’m so proud of you. Well done for taking this VERY brave step.

Are you safe where you are right now? Is it completely neutral/not a place he knows about?

Also, if you need to change your account here and let us know privately what is your new one, it is totally fine too. Just letting you know - don’t want this specific space to be the conduit of something unsafe for you, okay?

We’re in this with you. It’s absolutely normal to feel conflicted right now. You will be okay. You have made the right decisions. :hrtlegolove: