Update: I messaged my dad and he responded with something along the lines of, “I’d like to talk to you about this. It would devastate the family. For your dad, let’s talk about this.”
I replied with something along the lines of, “I’d like to hear what you have to say and where you stand before I call you. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t try to convince me to keep in contact with her or keep a relationships with her. Like I said before, she is incredibly draining to talk to and I dread it everytime. It’s a hassle to talk to her. I’ve been considering this since college and feel content about my decision, especially after taking a while to distance myself from her”
I know that if I call, he’s gonna convince me to talk to her and keep a relationship, hence why I messaged what I messaged. I really don’t wanna call. I don’t want there to be a conversation about it. I know that this is very new to him and all, but do I owe him a phone call? What’s to be said?
It’s to be expected that they try to stop you from cutting your mom out. You know that you’ve made the right decision for you, so stay strong and hold your ground.
Remember, it’s your choice now and you’re in control here.
You got this!
Hey @nicole_kaley,
It’s okay if now is not the right time for you to have this conversation. You don’t owe him a phone call. A conversation, when it happens, needs to be agreed on from both parts. It’s not your fault if right now is not appropriate, and if you don’t feel ready for it. It’s of course understandable that his reaction is to reach out to you and surely to try to convince you to make another decision. It’s also okay to not step back.
Let’s not forget the entire context there – it’s not your decision that brings consequences. It’s what brought to this decision that does. Also, you are not responsible of how they feel in any way. Yes, it’s incredibly hard, and it’s certainly a shock for them. Not so long ago I faced my parents in tears because of a similar context. Part of me is haunted by it. Another part though knows that my decisions were the right ones, and I can still feel in my gut how much freedom and space for growth it has given me. Still, I’m not in charge of how they handle the situation emotionally. Just like you’re not responsible of your parents emotions either.
I hope you know that you are a good person and have a good heart, Nicole. You’re growing and giving yourself a chance to heal with a different environment. Sometimes, we need to love from a distance. It may or may not lead to reconnecting again in the future, but that is secondary. What matters now is you.
If you don’t want to listen to him right now that’s okay. If you never want to, that’s okay. If you change your mind and actually want it tomorrow, in 2 weeks or months, that’s okay too.
I love you tons. I’m proud of you.
I think your reply was perfect.
I can understand how this would be devastating for your dad, because this puts him on top of a wall between two of the most important people in his life. He will need help grieving, and he is probably confused and hurting and desperate for answers. It’s up to you if you want to talk with him about where he stands, but at this point you owe it to yourself to adjust to your new reality more than you owe it to him to comfort him. If you do choose to talk with him, you’ve made your terms and parameters very clear. I don’t see how he can misconstrue what you said. If he can’t abide by that and decides to try to talk you into giving your mom another chance, you are within your right to end the conversation because you set the guidelines up front.
Good luck in the coming days and weeks. As always, don’t hesitate to reach out here. We’re here for you
Nicole_kaley,
You have been working through this for a long time. You didn’t come to this decision lightly. And you have found out that your mental health is better when you don’t interact with your mom. That two month trial seems to have confirmed that for you. As much as your dad would like a conversation with you, you don’t have to do it. You can continue to communicate with him via text or email, especially if you know that talking with him will end up badly. Stand firm in a loving way with your dad as best you can and hold tight to what you need to do.