Last time I updated was a little over two weeks ago I think. I was able to talk to a lawyer and they said I could file for a protection order but it was very unlikely I would get one since there was only mental abuse and no physical abuse. They said that for the county my now ex is in, it’s likely they’d try to give 50/50 custody no matter what and I felt absolutely helpless and hopeless. They said my best bet at the time was probably to leave things be unless either my ex tries to file for custody or his mother tries filing for visitation rights and even if they did it would take a while before it got anywhere. I felt pretty crappy about the whole situation but I listened to the lawyer and let things be for the time. Then a week or so later I think, my ex wanted me to talk to him on the phone. I foolishly did and it of course made me feel like crap. He made it very clear he just didn’t want me to file for child support and that he wanted me back so I could basically take care of everything again and pay for bills. But he said “I still care about you and our son so much.” He also said, “how do I know you won’t backstab me and file for child support.” If he truly cared, paying to support our child wouldn’t be “backstabbing.” All in all, I felt super crappy after that phone call and decided, I’m not going to talk to him on a phone call again. Fast forward to to last Friday, he texted me again and invited me over to his mother’s for his younger brothers birthday party and said I should bring our son because his family would like to see him. I already told him that I was no longer dealing with his family anymore and that I wasn’t comfortable with them, especially with the risk of my son getting hurt there. My exes step father is physically abusive and my ex’s younger brother has threatened us before while we there. As well as his mother, little sister, and other younger brother are mentally abusive and nasty to me. I ended up texting him back and said I only wanted to take care of myself and our son right now. I didn’t get a response and just let things be. Well, today in the mail, there was a slip saying that I had to go to the post office to pick up a letter since no one was home to sign for it. It’s from the courts. I currently don’t know if it’s filings from my ex or filings from his mom but it made me super mad and then upset, so mad and upset that it gave me a headache and then made me dizzy. I just don’t understand why he is trying to hurt me so much right now to see my son when he told me while I was pregnant that he didn’t want him and then once he was born, didn’t didn’t help take care of him at all. Infact, he mostly ignored him and when I was struggling to calm our son, the only thing he did was yell and said you need to calm down to him and forced the pacifier in his mouth when he didn’t want it. My son was literally screaming with the pacifier in his mouth and was trying to push it away. It hurt so so much. Shortly after that was when I left. Currently I just feel like I’m in a daze I guess. I don’t really know what I can do at the moment until I see what the letter says and then go from there. I just feel like crap
Oh, I hate this so much. mental abuse is JUST as bad as physical and I really wish this would be recognized by the courts. I’m sorry you have to go thru all this, it’s horrible.
I think you are doing the right thing by not talking to him or going to his mother’s house. I have a feeling from what you’ve said about him that she is playing a BIG role in him wanting your child around and if these papers from the Post Office are anything to do with custody, she prob has her hand in that too.
Also, listening to your lawyer is very important, because if it does come down to a custody fight, you will have wanted to make sure you didn’t do anything to make it harder for you.
Thank you for checking in and letting us know what’s been going on. We are always here if you need to come vent or need support. You are loved.
Hello again, Boots
I’m so sorry that you are still having to deal with this mess. I hope that it ends up getting resolved so that you do not have to deal with your ex or his family anymore. Custody laws are so weird and so annoying but I hope that in the end they work in your favour.
I only have one piece of advice really that I give everyone having to deal with legal annoyances. If it is legal in your state I would suggest recording any calls with him from here on out and if you need to inform him you are recording then to do that as well. Or simply keep all communication written via text/email. The best way to prove things in court is with evidence. It feels like you shouldn’t have to fight so hard to protect your child from that family but I hope that you manage to do so.
I wish you all the luck in the world, Boots and please keep us updated. We are here for you
I want to encourage you through all of this. I know that there are days when you feel like everything is coming down on your shoulders, but you are handling this all so well. I truly believe that there will come a time that you see the sun shine through the trees. Take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. Take care of your little one. You are doing an amazing job. Thank you for being a part of this world.
You are strong. You are valid. You are enough. You matter.
i’m so thankful you are able to update us. you’ve made a good decision to not take any more phone calls from him. he’s someone who would guarantee a bad conversation for you no matter the method of communication. he’s not fit to be a father right now and he’s not fit to be anywhere near you. while i wish him and his family would leave y’all be, especially in the interest of his son to grow up in a 100% nurturing home environment… not one where a pacifier is forced in his mouth. you’re doing awesome with the cards you’re being dealt. i do hope you’ll update us on what the letter says because i truly care about you and your son’s wellbeing. this whole situation is so difficult and i so badly want it to go away for y’all. your son will grow up to know what a strong role model is and that’ll be based off of you and your perseverance.
First, you were wise not to engage with these people. This sounds like a plan to continue, it will take strength.
Next, when it is legal situation, get the information, and let the lawyer assist. And I have learned that best to not worry about each part of the legal proceedings until each stage occurs. Let the lawyer lead in legal. It will be stressful but the lawyer is there to look out for your interests.
Others behaviors, especially bad ones, are not reflective of you in any way. Also one can never rationalize irrational behaviors.
It sounds as if they are being manipulative to meet whatever they want. Look out for yourself. And your child as you have been.
Be strong and please realize you are worth more than this; and at some point in distant future this long thing will resolve. But it is important to remember your strength. It sounds like you actually are thinking well and continue.
Thank you for sharing with us, @Boots. That sounds like such a crazy, stressful situation to be in, and I can only imagine how challenging the emotional impact of that must be. An abusive relationship is so difficult and adding on the aspect of a child just makes it that much harder.
With that said, know that I’m proud of you for your perseverance in continuing to push through all these challenges. You are going through such a tough time, yet you continue to do what’s best for your son. Your response to all these challenges is so admirable.
I also understand how scary the legal threats from your ex and/or his mom must be, but know that you can get through this. Try not to despair and to take this one step at a time (I know, easier said than done). Perhaps the letter is more benign than you imagine; only time will tell, and you aren’t in this alone. Your lawyer can help you on the legal front. On the emotional end, family, friends, and all the HeartSupport community is here for you. We care about you and have faith in you. Please feel free to come back anytime to share if more is on your mind.
@Boots I sure hope you can take in all the love and affirmation you’re receiving. Breathe it in as deeply as you can. Hold your child in your arms when he’s sleeping and just relax and let all this affirmation cover and sink into you both. I’m praying for you and praying that good people come into your life who can reinforce all the wisdom in these replies. You matter. Keep posting!