Update on parents, grandpa passed away, etc

Hello! So I don’t really know where to start cuz I don’t remember what my last update was (could go back and look but whatevs) so…
1.)my grandpa died about three and a half weeks ago. I wasn’t too close to him, but we had the standard family relationship and he was in a lot of pain the weeks leading up to his death, and he went into a coma before he died due to having a seizure, so it wasn’t a very pleasant way to go. He had been through a lot and I am sad that I wasn’t able to go to the funeral due to me being in a different country, me not wanting to see my family (especially my mom) and I just can’t do funerals. I also found out about the funeral at a very short notice, so it would be hard and expensive to get a plane ticket. When I found out he passed, of course I was heartbroken. I have cried once or twice over the whole thing, because I still miss him and I feel like I didn’t really get any closure from his passing. I’m upset that I couldn’t make it to the funeral (I didn’t wanna go/counldnt, but at the same time I just feel bad that I wasn’t there to say goodbye, ya know? I don’t want this to sound heartless, that’s not my intention, I feel like I can’t mourn though. I don’t deserve to mourn. When my grandma died, it absolutely broke me. She passed in 2019, and to this day, I still have days where I cry all day over missing her. I think im a bad person for not having the same reaction about my grandpa, even though I wasn’t nearly as close with him as I was with my grandma. It’s just frustrating. My dad sent me pics from the funeral and I really am sad I couldn’t be there for my dad and brother, especially my brother. I feel terrible for not being there for him more often, even though im doing the best I can with my circumstances. But my best isn’t good enough and im really hard on myself for that. I made a promise to myself and him that I would always be by his side and be there for him, and ever since moving to the UK and going no contact with my mom, it’s been hard and different. I just feel like I can’t get it right.
2.) im still going strong not talking to my mom and I feel great about it, I still just feel guilty about how it has affected my relationship with my dad and brother. When I was cutting my mom off, I may not have done it in the most polite way, but I kinda just blocked her. I didn’t send her an explanation or a statement, because I knew it would end in an absolute meltdown/probably a nervous breakdown for her. I had read stories on Reddit of people cutting off their narcissistic moms and said they just blocked her and moved on, and I found that was the appropriate thing to do in my case. I think I did the right thing, but still feel mean sometimes for the way I did it. Anyway, only my dad knows that I cut her off because I knew he wouldn’t have an absolute meltdown and go crazy. I told him, he was calm but disappointed, which I expected. I don’t like talking to my parents or anyone over the phone, it makes me uncomfortable and especially if it’s my dad, my mom might hear and try to talk to me so I kinda stay away from that, because it scares me. Is that silly? The same goes for my brother, I would want nothing more than to talk to him, bond with him, play games over discord, but I’m afraid of my mom hearing and trying to talk to me and finding out I cut her off and going crazy on my brother or dad. Is this a dumb thing to worry about? I feel terrible about it. I feel so bad for not being able to call my brother over the phone or call my dad, because I truly truly do love them both. But the problem I have with my dad is he never stood up for me when I was younger and dealing with my mom. (I think my dad is scared of my mom) My dad always was vague, wanting to be the mediator but always subtly taking her side, just never truly understanding what I was going through. He always downplayed the way she treated me and maybe he was just blissfully unaware and truly thought that she was just overreacting but it was emotional abuse and manipulation. She’s a narcissist and sadly, my dad either can’t see that or just ignores it. Anyway, to get back to the point, my dad messaged me saying that him, my mom, my brother and cousin and going to Scotland next week and that they will be in London for pretty much an entire day. This freaked me out when I found out. I moved to a different country to get away from my mom, but now the thought of having her and my dad in driving distance of me is TERRIFYING. I want to see my dad and brother very badly and miss them so much, so I messaged him if it would be possible to just meet up with him and my brother for like an hour or something, and he said no. He said I should put my differences with my mom aside and asked that I be “polite” and have “pleasant conversation” with her. When he said this, I was disappointed but was expecting that answer. He just doesn’t get it. I still am not entirely sure how I feel about my relationship with him, since I’m not sure if it’s an actual loving relationship, but this made me frustrated towards him. I see where he’s coming from and I understand that he just doesn’t get it, but it still hurts. I panicked and lied, told him I wouldn’t be in town so I couldn’t see them. I’m heartbroken that it’s coming off as I don’t want a relationship with him or my brother because I do and it would be so nice to see them. But I just can’t. Am I in the wrong? I feel like the worst human possible. I know boundaries are boundaries, I just feel like a complete b****. Now I’m paranoid that they’re gonna find me, my boyfriends dad is a taxi driver in London so I’m afraid that he’ll pick them up and tell them where I am, find out that I lied and it’ll be a mess. It’s a fear of mine that my mom will find me and just go off on me. They’ll be in London from 7am till like 10pm, so in my mind, that’s a whole day of panic attacks, preparing for the worst, crying, and just being a wreck. Any support, comments, criticism, etc is greatly appreciated, I feel like an awful person and I feel like I have broken my dads heart and feel like my brother thinks I want nothing to do with him. It’s all just a mess, but life goes on I guess. Thanks for reading


From: ManekiNeko

it’s always lovely to hear from you, I’m sorry it’s under these circumstances. My condolences go out to you with the passing of your grandfather. It’s never easy losing someone you love. I am so sorry you’re feeling this heaviness. I have a feeling your grandfather knew how much you loved him. You know within yourself how much you love and care.

with all this anxiety of your parents coming to the UK, maybe talking to your boyfriend and his dad about your anxieties could help? Hopefully they support you and will respect your privacy and provide you with a lot of love and comfort.

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Hello Back!

I think you should 100% know that you are not at all a b*****.

Condolences on the loss of your Grandfather. I can imagine, with all of the things you have going on at the same time, that it could be very draining emotionally.

If you find a way to feel more comfortable telling them when they are in the area. That might be the hard part, but I think that the feelings you have about your Dad, and Brother, would be a good thing to be discussed. Kind of clearing out the space in your head of what you think they are feeling, with them telling you how they do feel, and just trying to be as honest as possible. It seems this might be a hard situation with your father not willing to put the mom situation to the side. I really hope that he can do so, and just have a conversation with you, about the two of your feelings, without bringing up anyone else.

I know sharing can be draining! I’m happy you shared though, and I really hope things start to improve as soon as possible for you. <3


Hi Nicole, thank you for sharing your struggles, and I am sorry for your loss.

When the people supposed to love and support us unconditionally let us down, it has a profound impact, and I can feel the sadness and mistrust coming through in your post. I am sorry you have to deal with this.

I understand you want to avoid the toxic environment surrounding your mother - don’t punish yourself for dealing with a situation she created. The feelings of anxiety are valid; you certainly aren’t silly or a bitch, for trying to minimise their impact.

It is a shame that her actions have poorly impacted your relationship with your father and brother. You love them both very much. I hope rebuilding your bond with your brother will be straightforward. I’m sure he understands the difficult position you are in. With your father, I am not so sure. His continued refusal to acknowledge the negative behaviour of your mother must be very hard to take. You may have to build an entirely new dynamic with your father that does not include the topic of your mother. Your father also needs to do his part in rebuilding the trust between you; the subject of your mother may be something you will never agree on.

Knowing the person who you moved across the world to avoid will be on your doorstep must be terrifying; however, you need to try and keep this in perspective. London is a big city with very few chances of an encounter. Ask your boyfriend to speak to his father and explain the situation and what to do if he picks your family up. Try not to let your anxiety run away with possible scenarios.

I hope you are getting support with everything you are trying to juggle - best of luck for the future.

  • You deserve to mourn. Try having a private memorial by yourself, light some candles or do something special and honour your grandpa at home. Spend a few moments dedicated to his memories, maybe a joint one for both grandparents. Your grief is just as valid whether or not you attended the funeral. You MISSED out on being supported too. I know you’re beating yourself up for not being there to support your brother, but I want you to acknowledge that you were by yourself, trying to deal with this death on your own. YOU deserve love and support too!

  • Reddit is a treasure trove for ways to cut off Narcissistic parents, and yes going full NC is the preferred way it seems there lol. You did an incredibly difficult thing, all by yourself… and you’re sticking to it! I am amazed by your strength and your courage, friend! Cutting contact with someone is a huge step and you’re doing so well.

  • Your father has chosen to be with this woman, he has chosen to side with her. This is not your fault in anyway, he has chosen to ignore/minimize/tolerate/condone her treatment of you. He may be better than her, but he is also responsible for not protecting you from her. That is a weight and a blame he has to carry.

some practical stuff that may help:
-Tell your bf’s dad not to discuss you with ANYONE ever while he is working. Do you know him well enough to know whether he will still blab or not?

  • does your father or brother know your address? If they don’t, then it may be difficult to find you. If they do, then you may have to consider either 1) locking yourself indoors all day long and never answer the door. Wear headphone to drown out any noise. or 2) going somewhere for the day to genuinely not be there.

I 100% understand the panic and fear you’re feeling, and i know it’s hard to figure out what to do when you’re starting to freeze up with panic. But this is not their home. This is not even their country. They can’t drag you back home. This is YOUR home. You have 10000% rights to slam the door in anyone’s face if they come to your door.

Don’t worry about breaking your dad’s heart. He keeps trying to get you to talk to your mother. He should NOT be trusted with your information until he has demonstrated that he understands that she mistreated you and he let that happen. Maybe a little disappointment can get him thinking about how YOU FEEL for a change, hmm? I’s sorry if I come across as harsh, but he didn’t protect you and he’s still giving the impression that your mother deserves a second chance - that’s not helpful or healthy for you, so he’s not an ally right now. Lying to your father is 100% okay in my books. You’re protecting yourself. In all honesty, that is so much more important than protecting your father’s feelings.

  • Tell your brother you love him, but need to keep a distance from your mother until you can heal. He’s okay with them, not being mistreated an that’s important to remind yourself. He’ll understand hopefully when he’s older and he leaves home too.

you are not a bad person. I empathize with you. you’ve done the hardest bit of this, you just have to stay strong now. Your boundaries are legitimate and reasonable.
Family stuff is always messy and sad. You deserve to be free of this drama and heartbreak, and be happy and at peace.

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