Update: situation sorted out

[Amaris]

“YOU HAVEN’T WENT TO FIVE STAR BATHROOMS WITH ME YET”

“WE NEED TO GO TEST TOILET PAPERS”

Was what she said when we talked last night.

“I WILL WATATATATA YOUR BANANAS INTO SMOOTHIES”

“Watch Dance Moms, they look like donkeys”

Another than her being hilarious she was supportive. I had to admit to her that I did have abandonment issues and I suggested that she check up on me or if she’s busy she can let me know.

She was happy to do that for me and said I was really strong for admitting that.

In an effort to try to do things alone, I made it worse for myself. I guess no harm in depending on someone for a little bit.

I guess I’m not a burden afterall

So things are going well. Im still having a bit of trouble with my emotions, and at times my thoughts are negative. More or less passively suicidal. Meaning I have no intent on planning to hurt myself anytime soon. I just have passing thoughts.

Speaking of emotions, my mom is often a trigger for me. I never wanted to put my hands on someone so badly until today.

I just have a lot of pent up anger I can’t do anything about. If I talk about it then I’m disrespectful to her. Her word is absolute. I can’t do anything about it.

She can get mad all she wants but when im upset then im “sensitive” and “overreacting”

Small things are so big for her. She was pushing my buttons during my little driving lesson as if this isn’t my first time controlling a vehicle.

She’s a good mom but she isn’t very helpful emotionally. She often adds more stress than needed. Sometimes overly critical and a little hypocritical

[Wings]

@Amaris

I just have a lot of pent up anger I can’t do anything about. If I talk about it then I’m disrespectful to her. Her word is absolute. I can’t do anything about it.

That’s very common with parents, or people in general. A time will come when her word won’t be absolute because you’ll have the option to walk away. Parents are really good at pushing buttons too. As far as pent up anger goes, I guess you could punch a pillow, or run. I processed my upsets by getting alone in the woods. Anger is an emotion, not a commodity that can be stored. It feels pent up because a recurrence of the same issues is frustrating and a pretty strong trigger. I guess what I’m saying is that even if something upsets you repeatedly, you can completely let go of the anger when that particular something is absent and you stop thinking about it.

Something else to keep in mind is that you can change your response to things that have triggered you. For example, when you mom says something triggering, you can say, “thanks for your opinion,” then smile. Although it may not seem like it, getting upset is a choice. It may not feel like a choice exists, because the brain defaults to the reaction it’s used to, in a millisecond.

@Amaris

but when im upset then im “sensitive” and “overreacting”

Are you? Actually, being sensitive isn’t such a bad thing, because it helps a person learn how to be sensitive to the feelings of others. I don’t know what to say about overreacting. Maybe you could work on that, if it’s really true. Funny thing is, when I underreacted, my mom would go ballistic. Remaining calm really pushed her buttons.

@Amaris

Im still having a bit of trouble with my emotions, and at times my thoughts are negative.

I think that’s part of being human. I really like that you can regard the negative stuff as “passing thoughts.” Many have difficulty recognizing that.

Something I’ve done a lot of is visualization of situations where I’ve been triggered in the past, but this time, I had a really cool way of not being triggered. I think it helped a bit.

I’m so glad you’re doing better. I also appreciate you letting us know about it.

[Ashwell]

Hi Amaris
I am so glad you got things sorted out with your friend. You ABSOLUTELY need to got five stars bathrooms . It seems like you are really good friends I am so so happy for you. You are not a burden Amaris. You are very strong. Your friend is right it took a lot of bravery to admit the abandonment issues but you did and your friend was so proud of you . Good job!

@Amaris

Speaking of emotions, my mom is often a trigger for me. I never wanted to put my hands on someone so badly until today.

Yeah. I absolutely get that believe me. My mum can be a huge trigger for me too.

@Amaris

She’s a good mom but she isn’t very helpful emotionally. She often adds more stress than needed. Sometimes overly critical and a little hypocritical

Also relatable. I am sorry you dont feel emotionally supported by her. I hope your friends and HS can give you enough support to get through the hard times. I am proud of you Amaris. Hang in there

[Micro]

I just have a lot of pent up anger I can’t do anything about. If I talk about it then I’m disrespectful to her. Her word is absolute. I can’t do anything about it.

It is always possible to learn new ways to communicate your emotions and needs, even if it might take some time to do so. After all, isn’t it what you’ve been doing with your friend as well? At first it can appear messy and very uncertain, but communication that is both assertive for your boundaries and loving is a skill, which can be learned like anything else. There’s a huge difference between responding and reacting to something or someone. You are not doomed to be stuck on a reaction mode for the rest of your life.

When your mom pushes your buttons and you feel upset or angry about it, do you manage to become aware of your emotions at the moment, or does it happen later on? If you can be aware of it, make sure to slow down, breathe, and try to anticipate what you could say in response to her. Your emotions are absolutely valid and deserve to be expressed. However, making sure to give yourself time between what your mother says and when you respond to it, is something you can try to practice over and over - especially if your mom gives you plenty of “opportunities” to be upset because of her.

Hold Fast.

[Sita]

You can lower your expectations of your mother, and instead of expecting her to be emotionally supportive, realize and accept the fact that some people cannot do the job of parenting in the best way, due to their own limitations.

when you accept the fact that they are indeed not the best at providing
some of the things you want/need from supportive and present parents, then you free yourself of believing that you a difficult or bad kid.

[Mystrose]

What did I tell you? As soon as you heard from your friend and found that she wasn’t in fact abandoning you that you would feel a lot better.

This is a cycle that people with a fear of abandonment go thru when they feel like their friend isn’t giving them what they expect of them. It’s good that your friend will check in with you more often, this makes a big difference in how confident you are with your friendship.

I would also encourage you to read about Favorite Person. Most of the material for this revolves around borderline personality disorder, but people with ADHD have this problem as well. We both have pretty much the same experience with FP issues.

If you are more aware of what is going on, then you’ll recognize the pattern. Your friend is perfect and everything is dreamy and wonderful. Then, they don’t DM you back for a few hours and this puts you into a bad head space. You start to think up all the horrible reasons why they haven’t DMed you back. All of those thoughts are negative and you are 100% sure they are going to abandon you. You’re absolutely devastated and you can’t see past this horrible pain. So, without proof you end the friendship and delete everything that has to do with them. Including whole communities because you can’t see their name again, it’s too hard and painful.

Sound familiar?

Here are some things you can do to prevent this from happening again, I hope it helps. You can find all the info about it here, just replace BPD with ADHD.

• Label the situation: Insight is the first step towards change. If you recognize that you have a favorite person dynamic, it’s often helpful to identify and label behaviors as you notice them happening in real-time.
• Focus on other people or things: Even if it’s hard, commit to prioritizing other relationships and activities. Sharing your attention takes some of the pressure off your favorite person and your expectations of them.
• Pause before reacting: You may be tempted to lash out or become passive-aggressive when your favorite person upsets you. Instead, reflect on your feelings, take some deep breaths, and commit to waiting a few minutes before responding.
• Accept that discomfort will arise: Your favorite person will inevitably hurt, disappoint, and anger you. They may set boundaries, which can feel frustrating (even if you know they are entirely appropriate). Remember that no relationship is perfect, and it’s essential that you remind yourself of that reality often.