Update / Trigger / dealing with death

TW - SA / death

Hi… It’s me, yet again. Just an update on my life and needing somewhere to vent for a bit.

First, I’m okay - I’m doing better. Er… I have been doing better I guess, until recently. Just recently I’ve started plummeting a bit. Having a bit of a rough time lately. I keep trying to be more open and talk about my past instead of steering clear of it like I normally do, but its causing me to get triggered and have some flashbacks so I’m struggling with that.

We’re in the process of helping my mom move, and in the process of moving her furniture, I’ve bruised and cut my wrist. And I’m fine, its not a bad injury whatsoever, but mentally, I’m not doing so hot. Seeing this bruise/cut on my wrist reminds me of a time long ago when I was bound and abused, and I remember those painful marks left on my wrists that lasted for weeks. I’d have to wear wristbands and tons of bracelets 24/7 just to hide them from my family & friends. And I guess I’m just remembering that shit that happened to me back then and its messing me up a bit. I’ve been wearing more long sleeves lately to hide it, but anytime I’m not, and I reach out to hand someone something I get SUPER self conscious about it and start using my other hand. Ugh, anyway… I can’t wait for it to heal and go away.

But in other news, my friend seems to be finding herself in a rough spot and I am seeing so many damn similarities between their relationship and my last abusive one. She is so unhappy and beat down, and seeing her in that situation is tearing me up, reminding me of my own past and my inner voice is just screaming for her to get out now but she won’t/can’t and its eating at me. I don’t want anyone to be mistreated and I can’t stand that I can’t do anything about it.

I also need some advice. My husband just had a very traumatic experience and I am not sure how I can help him. He saw someone that had OD’d, called the police and ended up having to check for a pulse but he was already long gone… He then had to help a cop move the body and do chest compressions, all the while the person’s partner was crying hysterically in the background. He held it all together during the situation, and was doing everything he possibly could to help comfort the grieving girlfriend in such a challenging time while the ems workers and coroner took things over. I’m so proud of him, for doing so much - going above and beyond to help this poor girl. He even gave her a ride home because none of her friends or family would answer the phone to take her home.

He says he’s not affected by having to see, touch and carry the deceased person, but he was so empathetic towards the grieving girl, and seeing how the death affected her is what affected him the most. I’m not sure if what he says is true, but since that night he has done nothing but sleep. He barely talks, and when he does talk he just mentions that he’s so tired.

I’ve tried to be open with him and allow him a safe space to talk if he wants to but he just keeps saying that he’s more worried about how he ‘isn’t affected’ and he worries that something may be wrong with him.

I told him about heartsupport, and how I think it would benefit him to talk to someone, or at least get everything out into the open and off his chest, but he doesn’t seem to want to reach out or talk to anyone. He does have friends and family that he’s talked to but honestly I don’t think they’re helping him to cope with it so much as they just want to hear the story of what happened. And I’m not sure that having him rehash it to them is helping??

I guess I just need some advice on what to do or how to help him… He is not his usual self lately and its scaring me. I just want him to be okay and smile again. He is usually the rock, so strong, never faltering. I just fear that he is going through something but feels like he can’t talk to me about it. I know 100% how that feels, to go through something alone because you don’t have the courage to speak up. But I’ve done all I know how to do to try to be there for him, and I just feel like what I’m doing isn’t working. He is even asleep in there right now after being up for about 2 hours. I’m so scared that he is shutting me out.


You sure are dealing with a lot, but it sounds like you are doing all that you can. Your presence is supportive, even if your words are not reaching them.

Assure your husband that there is nothing wrong with him. People react differently to intensely emotional circumstances. The extreme fatigue he’s experiencing is in all probability a stress response. Often, the mind will shut down the emotions for a period of time after being involved in a traumatic situation. I drove ambulance years ago, and I rarely felt a great deal of emotion while handling emergencies. Instead, my focus was on how best to handle what was going on. After work was when I allowed myself to feel, and it usually felt like a quiet, peaceful, yet intense sadness. At that time, I didn’t feel as though my experience or feelings could be shared, so I just stayed withdrawn.

A friend committed suicide, and of course I was extremely sad, but I kept on functioning. Three days later, I had my meltdown. I didn’t even feel it coming on, it just happened.

Your husband may not know how to express what he’s feeling. His feelings may be intense enough that he feels as though sharing them could cause you to worry. For now, just be there with him. It will be very difficult for him to shut you out, if your expression of support is nonverbal.


Thank you so much for your input! It comforts me to know that you had experienced similar situations during your time as an ambulance driver and it also comforts me to know that perhaps his reaction isn’t so odd after all. To hear you describe how you felt after the emergency situation was over, I am starting to think he is experiencing the same sort of feelings that you did so this really helps!

He seems to be doing better day by day so that’s good news!! I had just never seen him that way before and it scared me. I wanted to be there for him in every possible way and to let him know that he is not alone. I know exactly how it feels to be going through something and feeling utterly alone and like no one will understand. And I did not want him to feel that way because I knew all too well how it felt. We’ve talked a lot about that day and oddly enough it has even opened the floor for us both to talk about things that we never dared to talk about before, so to be able to clear the air and talk about those things has been truly amazing and eye opening. We have had some great talks and are keeping communication open.

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your help and advice!!!


From: Katelynn Nye

hello. Thanks for reaching out. A couple of things. 1. Your husband in my eyes tried to help and he did all he could do. 2. I recommend your husband to get some counseling for trauma debriefing.


From: ManekiNeko

you’re going through a hell of a lot emotionally and mentally. You’re taking a lot of the burdens and worries for others as well as yourself, and it’s such a kind thing for you to do. Everyone needs support, but it seems you’re taking on a lot of it. Has your friend been able to reach out to say a social worker in terms of DV? Sometimes they can provide a wealth of support and assistance for people. Your husband definitely deserve the space to be able to talk through what he’s experienced and maybe the assistance of professional help would ease the burden of you carrying everyone through it. You also need to take some time for yourself to be able to deal with your own things. You deserve to be able to find support and help and not have to carry the entirety of those around you as well. Hope you’re doing okay.



Hi @Hiraeth Wow, you have a lot on your plate. I can relate 100% to your thoughts about your scars. I have a lot on my left arm that are very visible. It’s a strange feeling isn’t it? I think of it as my story. It sounds like your husband could use some talk therapy so he can learn some coping skills, because obviously it has effected him negatively. BetterHelp has a 7day free trail he could take advantage of. ~Mystrose


From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, Hiraeth! Thank you for sharing this with us. I don’t know how long ago this happened but it almost sounds like he is still a bit in shock over what happened. I know from experience that sometimes when our minds cannot deal with what it is feeling and experiencing it will just shut down as a defense mechanism. And that causes exhaustion I think because so much subconscious effort goes into it not feeling anything that there is no energy left for anything else. I definitely think that he should speak to someone when he is ready but please let him know that the fact he feels nothing or feels unaffected doesn’t mean he is a bad person or doesn’t care. It may be evidence that he cares so very much that his mind is trying to protect him. The best way to get to the bottom of that is to talk about it and see what comes out. But it can be so difficult to talk to loved ones about this stuff and burden them which is exactly why therapists exist.

I think your support is doing a world of good so even if he doesn’t seem to be helped by your presence I definitely think you should continue to be there. Don’t hound him and talk about it constantly but occasionally bring it up or mention something. When it enters your head or you think something may have reminded him of it, just stuff like that.

It’s obvious that you are an awesome and supportive person and I hope you both find peace moving forward in your lives and moving past your individual traumas. Stay strong :hrtlegolove:


From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

Hi Hiraeth. Oh my, thats a lot. First I am sorry you have gone through such abuse. It is just horrible. Your friend going through something similar must be awful for you. Try to help her and be there for her. Support her in whatever she things is best but if things are really bad she should leave. Your are being a good friend :wink:. When it comes to your husband… he is processing what had happend in his own way. He was very kind and brave let me tell you that. Therapy would be good but dont force him into anything. Sometimes the best we can do is to be there for them and remind them that we love them and how brave and selfless the were. It was a tough experience and even though he might not think so it has left its mark. Those feelings are there somewhere but there are hidden, maybe even so deep that he cant see them. Give it time. Be there for him but dont push things. As I have said this is a lot and it is a lot even for you. Take care of yourself too ok. You deserve it for being such a good human being and just being you overall :wink:.


Hey there @Hiraeth

First of all, thank you for reaching out and letting us know your story.

First it is ok not to be ok. Thank you for mentioning it open and honestly. You are not alone in this.

What this person / people have done to you is indeed abuse and in no way did you deserve this. At all.

As far as your so called friend, let her know she is loved and not alone. Invite her here and we will love on her as you do.

Trauma is a hard thing to handle and he will need help beyond what we can do for him. Therapy is suggested. As a couple and him as an individual. It takes a lot out of a person.

He is also loved and not alone. You matter.

<3 Zephirah


From: SuchBlue

Hi Hiraeth,

Your husband did the right thing and it’s very nice of him go out of his way to do what he did. It’s especially harder to keep going with life when you keep the feelings to yourself and refuse to share them with anybody else. Try to give him some time, and also let him know that he’s safe and no one is going to judge him for what he went through. He might say that he’s not affected, but sometimes that makes the person feel worse about everything that had happened. Let him know that there is nothing wrong or strange that is going wrong with him, and if you’re comfortable with doing so, feel free to share this post and the replies with him! There’s a lot going on and a lot to take in and process but I’m sure that both of you can get through this :hrtlovefist: :hrtlegolove:


From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, my goodness you have had so much to deal with lately and i am so very sorry all this has happened, I am not surprised that you are feeling like your health has begun to deteriorate, its completely understandable under the circumstances. Having flashbacks due to the cut on your wrist must be very hard to cope with and I hope that you have some coping techniques in place for those moments, if not there are some cbt coping techniques available on youtube that could be useful to you. Your husband has been through a nasty shock and it is going to take a while to get past that, a short amount of therapy i think would do him good, to really get all of this out. its hard to deal with a shock like that but I think he did a fantastic job helping that person and im sure the family of the deceased is incredibly grateful. I would love it if you would try to focus on your health and your husband focus on his and then the two of you work together after when you are both feeling stronger. I wish you both all the very very best. Much Love Lisa x


Wow! Thank you for all the responses, advice and kind words. I am going to reply to all here instead of individually - I hope that’s ok.

First, I have an update which is wonderful. My husband has been talking with friends and family rather than a licensed therapist. We definitely want to find a therapist and I do have that on my to do list but right now I just can’t get either of us into therapy, nor do I want to push him into it. I just know from experience that if him or I get pushed into something we don’t want to do it lol… Another flaw we need to work on. But anyway, so I’m letting him decide on his own whether he wants to pursue or not. I think talking to family and friends is very helpful to him. His mood seems lightened and when he discusses that night he is able to talk frankly about it and openly rather than shutting down emotionally.

The most meaningful conversation that I have heard him talk about was between him and my uncle. My dad died long ago and I feel like even though I don’t get to talk to my uncle that much, I feel like he is like an extension to my Dad so to speak. So when my husband said that my uncle reached out to him and was encouraging him to talk about it and maybe see a therapist to work through the emotions, it just felt like… and it sounds crazy but it made me feel like my dad was talking to my husband. And wow the emotions that go along with all that! Oh man. I was tore up lol. But anyway, it’s so good that we have had a great support group for my husband. He has had so many people come out of the wood work to talk to him and make sure he’s ok. It’s just been such a comfort.

Also, the other night he was working and the officer that was the first to arrive on scene that day stopped back in to check on my husband and see how he was holding up after that night. They chatted for a long time and the officer and him basically talked about how it affected both of them. The officer expressed his own feelings and how upset he was responding to that call. He said that it was the worst call he had been on in his career and he was trying so hard to hold it together during, but afterwards he just broke down.
For me to hear my husband telling me about his meaningful conversation with this officer who was deeply affected by this situation was so heart wrenching. I felt for both of them and was just so happy that they could express their emotions openly with one another having gone through the same experience together. It is so great and I feel so thankful that the officer came to talk to my husband and make sure he was ok. It’s just so sweet and you don’t hear about things like that often.

Anyway, I have had a lot on my plate lately so I am so sorry for the delayed reply. I wish you all the very best and I really am so grateful for each and every one of you.

Stay safe, and take care. Love to you all :heart:


Hi @Hiraeth thank you so much for your update, its always so wonderful to hear how things are progressing, I am so pleased that your husband is talking to someone. Its ok if it isnt a therapist right now, talking to anyone is getting it out and that is what is important and the fact that he is doing so and his mood is becoming lighter is so reassuring and for your uncle to reach out too is awsome, I am so happy for you. I think with you and all the support you have around you both, he is a very lucky man.
How amazing that the officer came to check on your husband, that was unbelieveably kind and thoughtful Being able to go through it with someone who was actually there and knows exactly what you went through will have helped a great deal im sure.
It all sounds so positive and im so happy that its turned around for you. if you do feel that you both need to or your husband needs some therapy in the future then yes its definately worth it and it seems your husband could be open to that.
I wish you both the very very best and I have no doubt you are going to be just fine, we are here if ever you need to talk again. always.
Much Love Lisa x

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