TW - SA / death
Hi… It’s me, yet again. Just an update on my life and needing somewhere to vent for a bit.
First, I’m okay - I’m doing better. Er… I have been doing better I guess, until recently. Just recently I’ve started plummeting a bit. Having a bit of a rough time lately. I keep trying to be more open and talk about my past instead of steering clear of it like I normally do, but its causing me to get triggered and have some flashbacks so I’m struggling with that.
We’re in the process of helping my mom move, and in the process of moving her furniture, I’ve bruised and cut my wrist. And I’m fine, its not a bad injury whatsoever, but mentally, I’m not doing so hot. Seeing this bruise/cut on my wrist reminds me of a time long ago when I was bound and abused, and I remember those painful marks left on my wrists that lasted for weeks. I’d have to wear wristbands and tons of bracelets 24/7 just to hide them from my family & friends. And I guess I’m just remembering that shit that happened to me back then and its messing me up a bit. I’ve been wearing more long sleeves lately to hide it, but anytime I’m not, and I reach out to hand someone something I get SUPER self conscious about it and start using my other hand. Ugh, anyway… I can’t wait for it to heal and go away.
But in other news, my friend seems to be finding herself in a rough spot and I am seeing so many damn similarities between their relationship and my last abusive one. She is so unhappy and beat down, and seeing her in that situation is tearing me up, reminding me of my own past and my inner voice is just screaming for her to get out now but she won’t/can’t and its eating at me. I don’t want anyone to be mistreated and I can’t stand that I can’t do anything about it.
I also need some advice. My husband just had a very traumatic experience and I am not sure how I can help him. He saw someone that had OD’d, called the police and ended up having to check for a pulse but he was already long gone… He then had to help a cop move the body and do chest compressions, all the while the person’s partner was crying hysterically in the background. He held it all together during the situation, and was doing everything he possibly could to help comfort the grieving girlfriend in such a challenging time while the ems workers and coroner took things over. I’m so proud of him, for doing so much - going above and beyond to help this poor girl. He even gave her a ride home because none of her friends or family would answer the phone to take her home.
He says he’s not affected by having to see, touch and carry the deceased person, but he was so empathetic towards the grieving girl, and seeing how the death affected her is what affected him the most. I’m not sure if what he says is true, but since that night he has done nothing but sleep. He barely talks, and when he does talk he just mentions that he’s so tired.
I’ve tried to be open with him and allow him a safe space to talk if he wants to but he just keeps saying that he’s more worried about how he ‘isn’t affected’ and he worries that something may be wrong with him.
I told him about heartsupport, and how I think it would benefit him to talk to someone, or at least get everything out into the open and off his chest, but he doesn’t seem to want to reach out or talk to anyone. He does have friends and family that he’s talked to but honestly I don’t think they’re helping him to cope with it so much as they just want to hear the story of what happened. And I’m not sure that having him rehash it to them is helping??
I guess I just need some advice on what to do or how to help him… He is not his usual self lately and its scaring me. I just want him to be okay and smile again. He is usually the rock, so strong, never faltering. I just fear that he is going through something but feels like he can’t talk to me about it. I know 100% how that feels, to go through something alone because you don’t have the courage to speak up. But I’ve done all I know how to do to try to be there for him, and I just feel like what I’m doing isn’t working. He is even asleep in there right now after being up for about 2 hours. I’m so scared that he is shutting me out.