I don’t even know if it should be called update as I don’t even remember how long it’s been since the last time. Time just seems to be nothing/slipping away. Since the last post I’ve managed to stop self harming for a couple of days. I’ve tried to be more social to fix some of my problem or at least alleviate them and I’ve managed to fix my sleep schedule a bit.
Now for the vent. My dad seems to be getting worse and I don’t know what to do. My mom, brother and sister are being massively affected by it and I’m trying to help them but I can’t handle it myself and when it matters I can’t help them. I just want to be able to help them and stop the nonsense with him. He just keeps being verbally and mentally abusive. But he was getting better but now he’s worse than ever. I don’t know why. My brother is crying right now and I can’t help. I can’t help him or anyone and I’m falling apart. I just don’t know what to do. Every time I think about doing something suddenly something comes up and makes it seem like the worse option and I go to try something else and then another thing. I don’t know what to do. I’m falling apart. Everyone is falling apart. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m trying and trying to fix everything wrong with everyone but I can’t. I just can’t fix it and I don’t know what to do. Sorry if I’m repeating too much. Maybe I’m being over dramatic. No I’m probably not but at this point I don’t even know if I can trust myself. I just can’t deal with everything. I just want to help people and make people feel better but all that happens is that it gets worse and I get hurt. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying. I’ve thought about calling someone or something but I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.
Deep breaths, my friend. You are in a situation that you never asked to be in, and you are now feeling a responsibility that shouldn’t even be yours inn the first place. While growing up I have witnessed multiple situations of verbal and physical abuse from my mom towards my sister. These situations always made me feel deeply helpless yet with an urge to try to fix everything and everyone. When there’s chaos at home it affects everyone, and it is so heartbreaking to witness situations where people you love are in pain but you don’t know what to do, or what you can do without being hurt as well. I’m so very sorry that there’s been so much pain at home lately. But I’m also so proud of you for reaching out here and talking about it. Please know that you are not alone, @Paladine, even though it may feel very lonely right now.
You have mentioned thinking about calling someone. Do you have in mind already who you would like to call? I know you are confused right now and I don’t want to stress you more. I just really want to encourage you to follow up on this thought. It’s okay to ask for help, to let people who could intervene know. You shouldn’t have to endure nor deal with all of this on your own. You haven’t done anything wrong.
Sorry for late response. I’ve been busy all yesterday and today with a garage sale that I didn’t want to do nor did anyone else other than my dad to try and make it so none of the issues are his fault. I don’t understand him at moment. I’m sorry that you had to go through something like this too. I do feel helpless and useless. It’s even worse with me having my horrible sleep schedule to not deal with him but leave them alone with him. It wasn’t what I wanted to do but I found every second without him was more enjoyable and not nerve racking. It does feel lonely right now. Very lonely. It feels worse when I don’t understand what to do. I hide in my room trying to not be near him but it hurts them and I don’t know what to do. The person I mention was vague to begin with. It’s more the idea of calling someone who could help. I don’t even know who could help in a way that doesn’t cause consequences later. I try to believe it’s not my fault and I haven’t done anything wrong but every time something happens it always seems my fault. I either don’t understand him or I make him mad about a topic or I try to stop him from attacking my mom verbally. It always seems like it’s my fault. The worse one is that I don’t know if he’s mad at me for being trans and pansexual because his reaction to me being that was always so vague and could be bad. I just don’t know anymore. Again sorry for it taking so long to respond
The only thing that I can think of is the lyrics of the song Broken Together by Casting Crowns:
Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together?
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us?
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together
I know this sounds strange but it can actually be cathartic when you can completely accept that you cannot fix everything, that doesn’t mean you don’t care and that if you could you would but you are not in a position to, its like trying to be perfect, no one is so just be the best you can be. Saying all of that, I am not saying brilliant now you know you cant do anymore just ignore it because clearly you love your little brother and that would go against everything you believe in, but instead of wondering what you can do now start to perhaps focus on what someone who can help can do and who that person might be. In the UK we have a phone line called childline where any child can call and get help for free, its an amazing assest for all children, do you have anything similar to this where you are?
finally I want to tell you how proud I am of you for not self harming, that is awesome friend. Keep that up for yourself. You are so worthy of that. Much Love Lisalovesfeathers. x
Hello, Paladine! I’m so sorry that your dad is getting worse and it is affecting everyone in your family. I definitely don’t think you are being overly dramatic especially knowing that it is driving your brother to cry because of what he says and does.
It is truly awesome that you are not SH’ing while dealing with all of this. I’m so proud of you for having the strength to keep yourself safe.
I know how powerless you feel. Has the rest of your family gotten together without your dad around to discuss what is happening and discuss what you feel and what you want to do about the situation even if you all feel like it isn’t an option? It may be helpful just so you can all feel like you understand each other’s point of view better.
I know how difficult it can be to stand up to a bully especially one in your own family and sometimes it feels like there is no hope but I think that there is hope. There is a path to get you and the rest of your family to safety it just may be difficult to find but I believe you can do it if you all work together.
I hope you can find safety from your father and I hope that you all can be there for each other. Good luck, friend
Firstly, I want to just say I think you’re amazing. You should be so proud of yourself for not falling back into self-harming. I hope you know how much that says about you and your strength.
I had to take a minute after reading your post, as it resonated so much with my memories of my Dad and his emotional manipulation and abuse on my family. It’s so f-ing hard living with someone so distructive who you can’t remove from your life. That panic you have around your decisions and actions, I have that too. I think it comes from living walking on eggshells for so long, keeping your head and trying not to stir things up, but knowing that the situation is out of your control. You learn not to trust yourself, because what you believe is right is always crushed by your Dad and that seeps into everything.
I think understanding where your panic over your decisions comes from is super important. It has nothing to do with you being dramatic, it’s because of what’s been done to you and that is not your fault. You are an immensely brave, caring and strong person who’s been dealt a terrible hand in life, but that doesn’t make you any less, it makes you so much more. I know it deosn’t feel like it now, but there will be a time when your Dad isn’t living with you anymore and there is so much life ahead of you in that world. Keeping talking is so important. I know you can do this.
Hey Paladine, it must be incredibly overwhelming to feel so powerless in this abusive situation. I’m so sorry that you’re suffering so much and that it’s been getting worse. Please know that this is neither your fault nor your responsibility to fix everything and be there for everyone all the time. You are not responsible for your father’s behavior. It is very, very wrong what he’s doing and it is terribly heartbreaking that you’re going through this. You are already doing so much by being there for your brother. You make him feel seen and heard and you’re supporting him emotionally. Also, it is absolutely amazing that you stayed away from self-harming, and that you took care of your social life and your sleep schedule. Don’t forget that your mental health has to be at the top of your list of priorities. Keep it up and take very good care of yourself. It is so important. Are you seeing a counselor and/or do you have any support outside your family? Sending you big hugs and lots of love. I hope so much it’ll get better soon and that you find some distraction to get a break from the abusive environment. You’re worthy and loved. Hold fast.
I am so sorry you are going through all that. It is very important to know that none of this is your fault. You are not responsible for your father’s behaviour. Please remember, you are not to blame. Even if your father doesn’t accept you for who you are, it doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong.
Nobody should be in a situation where they have to protect their siblings and parent from the other parent. I really hope you find somebody you can reach out to, someone who can change the situation for the better, be it a help phone number you can call, or a counsellor you can speak to. I wish you all the best!
The funny thing is I’m both trying to fix and be perfect so I’m haven’t both the problems. I know I can’t do either but I don’t know why but I’m so convinced that trying makes it better when I know it doesn’t. I don’t know why but I keep trying. I don’t know if we have anything like that call line that doesn’t report it instantly because I would like a decision in when/if it happens. The reason why is I don’t know if it would help if it were to be reported. It might make things worse so I don’t want to risk it in a way that I have no control over. Thank you for being proud of me for not self harming. At the moment I’m too drained to be proud of myself for anything so someone being proud of me helps.
Yeah that’s true but I just am at the point where I’m gaslighting myself and that’s not helping the situation at all. And it’s so awful to see him cry. He doesn’t cry very often and when he does I don’t know what ti do or how to help and I feel helpless. Thank you for saying that about me not Self harming. And we’ve talked about his problems with and without him as a family and sometimes it makes it better. Not often but sometimes. He often gets worse when it happens and puts the blame on all of us and it sucks. If there is a path I don’t know it. I don’t know what that path could be at all. I hope I stay safe too. Thank you
Thanks for being proud of me. It’s hard for me to be proud when I’m not drained but I’m drained so it’s near impossible for me to be proud so thank you. I’m really sorry you had to go through something similar. It is really hard to live with him but at this point it’s all I know.
I can’t really say anything other than I agree with what you are saying there. It’s most likely why it happens like this but I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve never been confident in any choice. All I do is question myself constantly and ask myself if I’m just faking who I am or if I’m wrong or if I’m stupid and it’s hard to deal with. And you are right im not dramatic it just feels like I am with everything happening.
I wish I believed that. I don’t though. I wish I did. I wish I could believe any good thing about me but I can’t. Sorry that was a tanget probably. Sorry I’m second guessing and I don’t know how to stop it other than stop typing.
I feel like it’s my fault that so much of this happens. He argues so much with me and the things I do. It feels like it’s all he argues about is me. It’s either me or my mom. And more often it’s me and it’s hard to handle. I feel like I have to fix it because I can’t stand it not being fixed and I just want it fixed.
I’m just trying to help him. He doesn’t deserve what’s happening to him. While I sometimes feel I do. But that’s for me to fix I guess. I guess it’s amazing I managed to go off of self harming again and I fixed some of my problems. I guess. It just doesn’t seem like enough. I just feel like I’m not enough.
I am seeing a counselor but I don’t talk about this too much because I don’t know what will happen if I do and there isn’t a lot my extended family can do because they are either going to side with my dad or are barely able to help themselves. I hope I find a way to get a distraction too.
I feel like it is my fault so much sometimes. Sometimes I feel like if I was different maybe he wouldn’t be so bad not just to me but to everyone else too. I feel so responsible and like I deserve all the blame or at least all the abuse to be thrown at me. Because at least then it’s not being through at them. And one person is less than three. I know it’s not helpful to think that way but sometimes I can’t help it. I think this way and I can’t stop it sometimes.