i think i accidentally upset my friend and… i’m feeling really really shitty about it. i just wanted to thank him for being in my life basically and that just talking with me normally most of the time has saved my life on more than a few occasions. he took it as me relying on him and using him as support. i didn’t mean for it to come off that way… i worded it best i could so it didn’t… i hate telling him things. i did the other day though cause he had complained i don’t open up enough and i kept reassuring him that he can just ignore it and doesn’t need to provide any sort of support or anything and that we can just talk like normal so i thought it might be fine? yknow? he asked… didn’t he? yeah… i’m not going to do that again. now i just feel horrible about it. him saying not to rely on him because he’s mentally and physically unstable… i know this. it’s why i never say anything anyways and am always trying to help you? i check on you everyday and always ask how you are and how your day went… what did i do wrong… i feel like i weirded him out too. i’m just going to shut up from now on. i don’t want to risk anything. i hope he isn’t mad at me. maybe i’m just overreacting but i’m probably not. pray he doesn’t find this… haha… if you do, i’m just really sorry… i guess this is one of my faults
edit: i ended up crying for a while and feeling really suicidal. it doesn’t take a lot to upset me when it comes to people i care about and because i bottle up my emotions, everything usually ends up coming out once i start crying. kept imagining scenarios that would cause me to kill myself. kept imagining what i would say to the people i care about, how id sound, rehearsing what i’d say beforehand and then saying it in the moment. i really just want to be gone sometimes. i’m so desensitized ti most things that cause me trouble now that i feel heartless. i feel like i should feel something. i was smiling yesterday and kept trying not to because i didn’t even know why i was. i wasn’t happy, i felt empty. my eyes felt empty. i think i carry a lot of emotion in them now. people keep telling me how sad i look, even when i’m trying not to be. i even had a couple of people over a GAME with only a text chat feature ask me why i seemed so sad?? i don’t think i do. but i also don’t think i seem too happy. maybe it’s just because i’m boring. not like i’m excited about a lot, so i guess people can translate that into sadness? who knows. i’ll probably add more to this later but my puppy is crying, so i have to go see him.