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Upset with myself ig

The past week especially: I feel
Very disgusted with myself. I feel my self hatred creeping up on me. I also feel more depressed and with that im guilty of feeling pissed off with friends and family members :frowning: not my close friend really at all. Just my more distant friends But see I feel so bad because they could simply send me a text and it agitates me and it shouldnt ? I want to be reached out to. I am a loving person. I care for them but I just hate that about depression. It makes you feel like a monster. sometimes I wish I could curl up in a ball & sleep forever so I dont bother anyone ever again. I feel like i dont deserve anyone around me. Most beg to differ. my friends think I am a really kind person. I should take their word for that because in end they are right and I guess im actually not a burden to others like how I feel i am. Its weird, along with feeling like I dont deserve others I also feel as though I deserve more. I put so much effort and care into my friendships. And when im going through a tough time most show thats one sided and dont care. I just wanna be someones favorite person. I want for people to show they care. I want that. It stings. A disclaimer : I do have a few v great friends whom I am beyond grateful for who show care to me. I just am venting about MOST people as a whole. And I guess being agitated is a rather normal symptom of depression / anxiety. it doesnt mean thats my true feeling about others. I dont feel true agitation for other humans. I just wanna be loved and taken care of. I get sick of living with myself and my thoughts alone every day. Also today again, my mom hinted she has/ had suicidal thoughts because of me and she does not do that often but man when she does I hate it. Its messed up to blame someone else for such a big thing like that. She often will guilt me in saying she β€˜ gave up her whole life β€˜ to have me and such things like that. Being brutally honest she didnt HAVE to have me. It aint my fault im here but now that I am I wish she would treat me with respect without being a child and throwing tantrums as such. And i just feel so lost in my head lately. I am very confused at the moment. I also really dont feel much anymore. Everything is so repetitive. Same thing every single day. Anyways thats my little rant. Im trying to do what I can to better myself. Hopefully in the coming months, in the coming year when I graduate highschool things change
More for me and turn up. I have hope for the future I just need to stay strong in the present. It can be hard man:/

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Its not wrong of you to feel the need to be reached out to. I feel like that comes along with depression. Sometimes you just want to make sure your friends are there for you too and just need that reassurance. Once you’re able to get out of a depressive episode those feelings, including the agitation, should change if thats not your normal personality. Its also hard not letting the things people say, get to you. I believe you can keep going and get through this time. I’ll be praying for you man.

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