Vent - I feel like I'm losing everything

I don’t really know where to start. I have been really struggling with my mental health for the past few months. The past few weeks in particular have been very hard. I feel like I’m losing the support system I thought I had. I feel like I’m spiraling. I can’t rely on most of my friends to be there for me, and my best friend only gets angry with me anymore. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and I can’t talk to her about anything anymore. I don’t know what to do. I’m panicking because I don’t want to lose her of course, I don’t want to lose any of my friends. But at the same time the mood swings and depression I have been dealing with has been very severe. It’s gotten to the point of having mild suicidal thoughts and self harm. It makes me uncomfortable, I don’t want to die, but it feels like it’s becoming more and more frequently on my mind. I am going to explode. The same friends urging me to start therapy now seemingly turning their backs on me when it’s really hard. I have my first proper therapy appointment at the end of the month, I’m trying my best to hold on for it. I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore because it just upsets people. My closest friend now resorting to ignoring me. I can not find things that keep my mind busy, and when I do, as soon as I stop I feel I quickly fall back into feeling miserable. The silence is making things so much worse. I wish I didn’t have these feelings. I feel like a monster. No one wants to be around a depressed, frustrated, energy-draining monster.

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I’m sorry that this is such a difficult time for you. It may feel as though you were losing everything, but I suspect that your friends still want to be your friend. I’m pretty sure the reason they are avoiding you now is because they feel helpless, because they don’t know what to do or say that would help. Additionally, depression can be very contagious. They probably feel that rather than help you out of depression, they will end up depressed themselves.

It does feel as though at a time when you most need support from your friends, they back away. They probably feel bad and guilty, but are not equipped mentally or emotionally to help you manage what you’re going through.

It’s unfortunate that you have to wait so long to begin therapy. While you’re waiting, you can keep talking to us here, or if you feel a crisis coming on, call a helpline. You can usually find someone to talk to by dialing 211.

When you’re able to manage the depressive symptoms, it’s very likely that you will again be in touch with your friends.

You are definitely not a monster. You are one of millions who are dealing with depressive symptoms. Many of those people have been able manage them successfully.

Please stay in touch, Wings

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Hey @AnxiousArtist,

Thank you so much for opening up here, especially during a time when it feels like doing so would be wrong. Struggling, having a hard time, needing support – all of those things make you human and will never define you as a monster. We all go through rough times in life, whether we can relate to one another or not, and we all need to feel like people around us are present when we need comfort the most. You are not guilty for feeling, having emotions. You are not wrong for having needs and feeling hurt because of how your friends have been interacting with you lately. It all makes completely sense, and for what it’s worth from me, I’m so very proud of you for not letting isolation be your new friend. This is a safe place to talk, to share what’s on your heart, to be supported too. You are not alone.

I struggle with a chronic depression, anxiety and other conditions that make building and maintaining friendships very challenging at times. It’s really hard to not feel like a burden to the people we love, especially when the shadow of depression is hitting us. Hard to not feel like there’s something wrong with us, with who we are. But I want to send some encouragement your way: you are not your depression. Your struggles are present, but they don’t define the beautiful person that you are. Your friends, loved ones, know that very well. They know who you are, and when one loves someone, they accept them both with their joy and their struggles. You are not guilty for feeling the way you do. It is possible also, that depression right now acts like a veil that exacerbates this feeling of being a burden to others, of being wrong for simply existing. It may influence your perception of things, including how others see you.

As for your best friend getting angry very often, do you know why this is? An immediate answer that we can tend to have is to think “it’s my fault”. But is it really? Did you have the opportunity to talk about her about the way she speaks to you lately? Of course in a kind, respectful way (“I’ve noticed that you were more on edge/upset lately… is everything okay?”). Sometimes, initiating this kind of conversation opens new doors for more deep and mutual interactions.

In any case, I promise you that you don’t have to hide. Who you are, how you feel, is all okay. You are not guilty for being, and I hope you’re proud of yourself for having this therapist appointment. This is, in itself, a huge step, one that can feel very challenging, but that will lead towards more growth and healing too. I hope you’ll keep us to speed regarding how it’s going. You are loved and cared for, truly. This community is here to help, here to listen, here to encourage you, especially if you feel like your current support system is not functioning as it should.

Stay in touch. Hold Fast. :hrtlegolove:

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I know I probably can’t add much to what’s been said by these two amazing humans. I do sympathise with those dark feelings and the unnerving feeling of being stuck in that place. That feeling of it being so hard to hold on.
I’m so proud of you for having that appointment and I do hope that you’re able to work through some of the things that are weighing on you and feel a bit lighter and have some clarity.

When people seemingly start to leave around us, it’s so easy to think and feel it’s because of our own doing. As micro had said so beautifully, creating the space for your friend to talk about what’s going on and how your relationship is at the moment may just bring you some clarity and ease as well. You may find your friend has been reacting to something totally different. But even if there are things to work on, at least you opened up about it and created that space for things to grow and improve. Communication does a world of good.

I just want you to know you’re valued and I really do hope to hear more about how your appointment goes.

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Hello AnxiousArtist,
thank you for reaching out with your struggles and worries. This is so strong from you
It’s hard to wait until therapy begins, but be sure, it will help. to come out of this will take energy but
it is worth the effort, and you will do good.
Like said before, it is human what you are going through, we are all in this together, i can relate to you.
Take your time, give yourself some self care, do things that you like.
Please stay in touch, we care, we are here for you.
Have a nice day and feel hugged
Greetings

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I want to thank everyone who replied to this. I feel so incredibly guilty about everything. I don’t want to hurt my friends, or burden them. I don’t know how to apologize and let them know I am trying to control it… I don’t know when I will be “better enough” for them. As I said, silence has only been making things worse for me. It’s so easy for me to believe I’m the problem and it’s all my fault, things would be better for everyone without me. I know you guys say it’s not true, but how do I get myself to believe that?

I would love to have a conversation with her, with all of my friends, but it’s hard to do when none of them want to respond to me. I’m trying to reach out and I get nothing. At this point I’m scared to even try, I don’t want to make things worse.

It just hurts so much because they will say they are here for me to talk or things but, now that it is really that time they are not here. I wish they would not offer it if they really can’t or don’t want to. It hurts more. I’ve tried telling them this too, to not say things like that if they are not wanting to or can’t handle it because of their own feelings and problems.

I’ve gotten to now I don’t want to talk to anyone I care about personally with these feelings. It only causes more problems.

As for why my friend is getting angry with me, it feels like a lot to explain but I’ll try to keep it brief and a little more simple to understand. My understanding of it, anyway, is that she feels I do not care about her and put too much value into other people and it’s making me depressed and frustrated. I’ve tried telling her it’s not the case, she in the past told me it was okay to vent with her, and now it just upsets her. I can’t talk about my problems at all.

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you don’t need to be “better enough” and none of your true friends would be better without you.
This is all human. We are in this together. Don’t apologize so much, there is no need for that.
My friend said to me, when i apologize for telling him how i feel, she would slap me :purple_heart:
I was and i am also feeling this and i know this spiral very well. i struggle a lot, i have so many down
days, doing my therapy and taking medicine. When i opened up about it, i shared with my right
now best friend and on the day of my first appointment i received a message with
“you are strong, and you will do good”
i sat in the middle of a pedestrian zone totally in tears in that moment, i was feeling that i don’t deserve
this.
When i meet my friends right now, i try not to talk about it, when its too much i get myself a bit out, take
some time so calm down. You do very good by explaining how it feels for you, maybe they don’t really
know how to thread you. Sometimes it is better, sometimes not.
But be sure, friends are there for you when you need them.
If you need to vent, do it, do it here, we are here for you, i am here for you.
You open up about it, this is your first step of many, give it some time, give yourself some time.
It will all come to place, i am sure.
One day or day one, it is your decision.
You matter my friend, you are worth it. Thank you for sharing, be proud of that.
Have a nice day and feel hugged,
Greetings

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Thank you for opening up depression is a horrible thing to feel most times, im glad therapy is coming your way, in case of crisis more than welcome call hot-line or call 911 at risk of hurting yourself. Like: @Wings said fortunately your friends not sure what to do, it take courage to get help and someone to hear you. Hugs to you.

Bless

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So sorry to hear you feel like this, i hope your friends come to an understanding about your mental health so many don’t but is ok, you can always come here to vent we are here to help one another, cheer and listen. You also can find an advocate in school or a center who willing to help or listen what youre going through. You are not a burden you are human and is normal to feel these negative thoughts just in need of positive motivation in your life, maybe new friends, new scenery, new activity etc…

Thank you for posting

Bless

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Hello,

I am so sorry to hear about the time you are going through but I am so glad that you have reached out for professional help and will have your first visit at the end of the month. It is certainly a huge step, the first step which is never easy. Despite the support we need from our environment, it is a very personal journey and it sounds like you have started it with a lot of courage. Stay with that, with the strong woman that you are, capable of managing your problem by taking the most successful step for your healing. My sincere congratulations. All the best, S

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Hi susana,

So sorry to hear you having rough week of your life, wish i can give u a big hug, sendimv air hug though.
Just know u are takimg the biggest step of your life great job, very encouraging i know many people dont believe talking to random stranger but in a professional level we learn a lot with ourself. I go to therapy myself it help me calm down my anxiety, my madness, my spiraling mind give me an ease of comfort.

I hope for the best Susan, hopefully one day your friends will understand what you are going through i know it can be hard to understand mental illness if not educated properly. Think happy thoughts, I need you to inhale if you can for about 5-10sec then exhale, Go to a dark room, light up a candle very light and low music to calm you give your body time to relax music usually helps “HAPPY MUSIC” w/ rain falling ,birds shirping or flowding things like that i hope this make your day. Sorry for the long draft.

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