I’ve grown up with Anxiety, and I always have known what it felt like. No matter how old I get I always have felt the same insecurity, some days its worse than others. I was raped at a young age by another student at school. That lead to more sexual assault and rape that happened to me by the same kid because the word “No” didn’t mean anything to him. This went on for well over 6 months and it took my childhood from me. I was just a kid, not even 10 yet. From 10 - 14 I had pretty much no will to live. I wouldn’t run from dangerous situations, I would embrace them. I was pretty much completely numb. If I wasn’t numb I was depressed. I’ve tried to overdose twice, and it is just dumb luck that i’m alive. From 14 - 16 I really started talking about the situation, being a male who was sexually abused by another male. My parents knew from the end of the constant assaults and I have just started going public about this recently with my friends and family. I faced this trauma from such a young age and then this son of a bitch who took over so much of the space in my mind and took over so many thoughts and took many nights worth of sleep away from me winds up at the same school I was at 5 years later. Some things don’t change, and his looks and vibe is one of them. He makes me feel disgusting just to be around. I ended up leaving the high school we were at and moved to an online school. Turns out this kid lives less than half a mile away from me. I know the route to his house by memory just because of how much I think about him and what he did.
He’s the first thing on my mind, and i hate him, and him him with every ounce of my being. The fact that when I tried to OD on my medication and only walked off with a nasty migraine and nothing more really proved to me that I have a purpose here, and for me to waste that would be a shame. It’s hard for me to find that purpose when I am constantly being held back by these reoccurring thoughts/memories. Advice would be appreciated.
@StHaTaDi-Ethan thank you so much for sharing this. It must have so difficult. You are such a light in this community and I’m incredibly glad those OD attempts failed. I would suggest looking into some therapy if it’s a possibility for you. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this, it’s not your fault though. It doesn’t define who you are. Nothing will ever justify what he did to you - just remember that he has a story too though. I cope in unhealthy ways when I fall back into my own head so I can’t be of too much use for advice I’m afraid. I just want to let you know we are here and we love you. You can get through this. I’m proud of you for sharing.
I want you to watch this video. Just in case you dont know who this is, it is the lead singer from Slipknot. I think you guys have some things in common.
Just know that you are better than your past. What happened to you doesnt have to define you. Find ways to express the hate and hurt so that they have a place to rest besides your mind. Corey found his resting place in his music. I believe in you brother. You are of great worth and you have so much to live for. You also have a great compacity for change. I love you, bro. You can win this battle.https://youtu.be/cw_kL2AKiwc
It hurts me to hear about your rough past - NO ONE deserves what you’ve been through. You’re so, so strong. I admire your warrior-type of spirit. Have you considered seeing a counselor to talk to about what you’ve been through? Seeing someone is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, and I know that you would greatly benefit from it. Just know that none of what you been through is your fault - nothing is your fault. You deserve so much better, and it could be just around the corner.
Thank you for sharing. I admire your courage to gain closure. I’m so sorry you went through such horrible things in your past. I’m happy to see you’re not submissive or numb to it anymore and you’re here. That’s showing the initiative to healing and a WHOLE LOT of strength. And that’s truly amazing. You’re absolutely right - you have a purpose! And I would love to be with you on this journey as you seek it out. Continue to share whatever feelings, strongholds, doubts, progress with your therapist - that’s key that you have a close and trusting relationship with her. Please keep coming back and sharing here, as you are such a valuable part of our community, friend.
Friend you are so brave and so strong for what you have been through. Gaining closure is one of the thing’s I struggle with as I have been through a lot myself and very similar to yours. My best thing that I do is that I find something constructive to do. A great example of that is drawing or writing.
I still have reoccuring memories too that come up without me expecting them. I tend to push myself into things that keep my busy to keep these thoughts from happening. We are here for you every step of your journey. Be strong and keep strong that will help you through this.
Stay strong and hold fast,
PMacDanceDude (Patrick) Team Out of the Ashes