Dear @Boots,
Thank you so much for being here and for sharing all of this. These are some very intimate and vulnerable parts of your story, and it truly means a lot that you feel safe enough to share all of this here. Thank you for your trust and thank you for your bravery.
I’m right there with you on the struggle bus regarding the pre-period depression. I don’t know if you ever had the opportunity to talk about it with a doctor, but many women have their mental health impacted by premenstrual syndrome. I was never diagnosed officially, because going to a gynecologist is a struggle for me, especially because of past traumas, but I know without hesitation that PMS has been part of my life for years. I become a mess during half of the month because of it. And when my depression is already quite intense, I tend to be more suicidal during this specific time of the month. Not mentioning, as you said, the lack of motivation, the feeling of being numb and/or, on the opposite, of feeling too much. Definitely nothing wrong for talking about it, especially since it’s about your mental health as well, and partially things you can’t control.
I’m so very sorry that you’ve experienced a miscarriage at 16. This was such a brutal event in your life and it totally makes sense to still have a hard time to process what happened. Something positive in your message though, is that you seem to really understand how traumatic reactions and triggers tend to function, and especially how it influences you in the present moment. You’ve shared and explained this situation with your coworker in a very thoughtful and rational perspective. That’s really strong, friend. A huge part of recovering from traumatic experiences is about the time we give to understanding how it works, then how to deal with these emotions/physical reactions. You’re on the right path, Boots.
As for seeing a counselor, that’s a huge step, and for what it’s worth I’m very proud of you for seeking professional help. I understand your fears though. Having to dig in the past in order to heal can be scary. And it will probably be quite exhausting at times, indeed. Just because trauma impacts us both physically and emotionally, which can be draining when you feel like talking might reactivate these sensations. However, the good thing is that you’ll allow yourself to navigate these emotions in a safe space and with a safe person. You won’t be alone while doing so, which is going to make a huge difference. So far you’ve survived and learned to handle this painful experience, also its consequences, mostly by yourself. But now that you’re about to open this door to someone else, then you are probably ready to allow yourself to be supported as you need.
Again, it’s a brave and strong step that you’re about to take. It would be surprising if you weren’t scared or at the very least a bit nervous. I am too, everytime I see my therapist, and een if I just started to get used to seeing a professional on a regular basis. But putting ourselves out there and asking for help is the right places is the right thing to do. There is sometimes discomfort in doing what is right, because it pushes us out of our comfort zone, but this is also when growth and healing happen.
I hope you’ll get in soon as well! Keep us updated, if that’s okay for you. I’d love to hear how it goes for you. This journey through therapy can absolutely be shared here, as much or as often you need. Through all of this, now that you won’t be alone. This community is here for you too.