Venting a bit/hoping to go back to counseling

TW

As of recent things have just been a little harder than usual for me. I usually have these moments right before my period (sorry for tmi lol) but as of this week and last, I have been having a really hard time. I have started to become lazier around the house, not trying to but I definitely have lost a lot of motivation to really do much of anything. It hasn’t helped that I had a PTSD (I was diagnosed with it) trigger while at work to something regarding my past last friday. As I have mentioned in a post that I made not too long ago, I miscarried at the age of 16. For the longest time, anything involving babies triggered me, but with recent years, I have been doing a lot better. This past friday, one of my coworkers announced to me that she is pregnant and while I congratulated her and showed that I was happy for her, on the inside, my heart dropped, I was starting to shake and then after a little bit, I went to the bathroom and had a panic attack. I only have these attacks when it involves someone I am close ish to and I haven’t had one in a while. Ever since last friday, I have been feeling down a lot more, I have been kinda dreading going to work every day, my house is a lot messier, and I feel as if im caring less and less of the state of the house. I know I need some help so im trying to schedule a counseling appt. but im a tad nervous since its been a couple of years since I have been to one. I don’t like facing the issues of my past. Anyway, I am just hoping to get in soon.

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Dear @Boots,

Thank you so much for being here and for sharing all of this. These are some very intimate and vulnerable parts of your story, and it truly means a lot that you feel safe enough to share all of this here. Thank you for your trust and thank you for your bravery.

I’m right there with you on the struggle bus regarding the pre-period depression. I don’t know if you ever had the opportunity to talk about it with a doctor, but many women have their mental health impacted by premenstrual syndrome. I was never diagnosed officially, because going to a gynecologist is a struggle for me, especially because of past traumas, but I know without hesitation that PMS has been part of my life for years. I become a mess during half of the month because of it. And when my depression is already quite intense, I tend to be more suicidal during this specific time of the month. Not mentioning, as you said, the lack of motivation, the feeling of being numb and/or, on the opposite, of feeling too much. Definitely nothing wrong for talking about it, especially since it’s about your mental health as well, and partially things you can’t control.

I’m so very sorry that you’ve experienced a miscarriage at 16. This was such a brutal event in your life and it totally makes sense to still have a hard time to process what happened. Something positive in your message though, is that you seem to really understand how traumatic reactions and triggers tend to function, and especially how it influences you in the present moment. You’ve shared and explained this situation with your coworker in a very thoughtful and rational perspective. That’s really strong, friend. A huge part of recovering from traumatic experiences is about the time we give to understanding how it works, then how to deal with these emotions/physical reactions. You’re on the right path, Boots.

As for seeing a counselor, that’s a huge step, and for what it’s worth I’m very proud of you for seeking professional help. I understand your fears though. Having to dig in the past in order to heal can be scary. And it will probably be quite exhausting at times, indeed. Just because trauma impacts us both physically and emotionally, which can be draining when you feel like talking might reactivate these sensations. However, the good thing is that you’ll allow yourself to navigate these emotions in a safe space and with a safe person. You won’t be alone while doing so, which is going to make a huge difference. So far you’ve survived and learned to handle this painful experience, also its consequences, mostly by yourself. But now that you’re about to open this door to someone else, then you are probably ready to allow yourself to be supported as you need.

Again, it’s a brave and strong step that you’re about to take. It would be surprising if you weren’t scared or at the very least a bit nervous. I am too, everytime I see my therapist, and een if I just started to get used to seeing a professional on a regular basis. But putting ourselves out there and asking for help is the right places is the right thing to do. There is sometimes discomfort in doing what is right, because it pushes us out of our comfort zone, but this is also when growth and healing happen.

I hope you’ll get in soon as well! Keep us updated, if that’s okay for you. I’d love to hear how it goes for you. This journey through therapy can absolutely be shared here, as much or as often you need. Through all of this, now that you won’t be alone. This community is here for you too. :hrtlegolove:

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