So I guess this is a vent. Just some shit I want to get out of my system. I hope this can help someone somehow, and doesn’t end up with me being a whining shitbag like usual.
So, everything has been too much the past few years. I think to myself, “It’s just been three years.” Three years of this hell and I’m FAR past my limit. I’m barely a teenager and that thought of living for much longer pains me. I still can’t believe that in just three years, my whole life has crumbled before me. I went from living a happy life, full of ambition and dreams, to feeling like I’m in hell.
Saying this is hell sounds like something a lot of people say, but I can’t think of anything else to describe this. This being, unbearable pain leaving me only with the will to end my life, but that being prevented. I’m in desperation, no one being able to help me, and all these people do is prevent me from ending my suffering. All they do is prolong it. This doesn’t mean I don’t love or care about certain people, but I can’t help but think that they’re just in my way. I care about them, and at the same time, I almost despise them. They care, but they only make way for more of this pain. I feel so guilty about this, but at the same time, it seems kind of justified. They may not know it, but in a way they’re really hurting me.
I don’t understand how I could ever be happy like this. I’m always told that soon I won’t feel this way, soon I’ll be able to get away from all the toxic, harmful people in my life. But I feel like part of what people don’t understand is that this pain sticks. I’m not going to suddenly start feeling better. All these little pieces won’t come back together. I hate the idea, but I don’t know how to describe myself besides “broken”. My heart been crushed to tiny little pieces, any glimmer of hope fading away, and the darkness only growing bigger. I’ve always been told that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. But if that light was even there, it’s gone now. Slowly, I fade into darkness. And that’s horrible to think about. I can’t cope with that. To know that I’m broken beyond repair, that hope is just wishful thinking. That however long I choose to life, it’ll be in pain.
So I guess that’s the gist of it. The device I use to access this forum will not be in my possession for almost a week, so I had to get this out while I still can. Won’t be responding likely, but we’ll see.
I’m not asking for support. No matter what anyone says, this will undeniably be the truth, and I’ll continue to feel this way. Just needed to get this off my chest. How much I hate my life, and in a way, everyone in it. And how I’ll always remain broken. Uncured. Irreparable.