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Venting for nothing (tw)

I wish I could trade this brain of mine for one that would be healthier and more loving to myself. It’s exhausting to wake up everyday to feel the same heaviness, to face the same struggles, to experience the same pain, over and over. It’s exhausting to actively push away the thoughts that tell me I’m a burden, a waste of time, an insignificant piece of nothing that will be easily forgotten. Exhausting to push away the thoughts that tell me to hang myself when I’m alone at night. Hard to give up on this plan that keeps being stuck in my mind, no matter how hard I try. Hard to stop thinking about the details and plan any outcome.

I know what is right though. I know what needs to be done. I know how to be safe. But being safe means hurting, and having nothing to alleviate this pain until it gets better. “Until it gets better”. 20+ years of “until it gets better” is starting to be a lot. It’s once again the face full of tears that I have to try to give up on the will to end it all, and with it the hope of not feeling anything anymore. I hate that these thoughts keep growing silently. I hate those cycles. I wish they didn’t even exist, but then I shouldn’t be at all. So, there’s no perfect equation. Only pain on both ends, and I hate it all. I hate what I’ve become. How deep this depression is and how hard it is to climb out of this pit, not just once, but repeatedly. I’ll keep pushing anyway. I’d rather be in pain than adding any of it on the shoulders of the people I love. This world is cruel and unfair enough. I don’t want to add more to it.

Same choices, same decisions, same pain. Again and again. I hate this depression and how alone it makes me feel. Just needed to say it today, because once again I’ve been bottling up for too long. I don’t believe brighter days will ever be a thing for me. I used to, but it seems that now I’m getting used to the idea of not being able to live a real life anymore. Sometimes it’s hard to know when it’s my depressed mind talking or when I’m actually being rational. Maybe these days are just a mix of both. In any case, I hate it all.

I’m begging please, make it stop, just for a second, so I can feel again how it was to worry about nothing and to know, deep inside, that everything will be alright. I was so much more resilient when I was a kid. The weight of the years are not helping. I still don’t see myself being older than 30. Just thinking about the possibility to be the same, or worse, in two years, is something I don’t even want to have a “chance” to see. I know it’s not healthy to start defeated though. I’m just hurting and needed to say it. This pain needs to stop, or I’ll have to end it sooner or later. I can’t keep moving on only thanks to temporary glimmers of hope. It’s just not human. But I don’t even know where to start anymore. It feels like I’ve already started over too many times. I’m doing what needs to be done. I receive help and somehow I’m not alone. But it’s such a daily battle to just get less than a flavor of what life should be.

Hopefully things will feel clearer and easier tomorrow, or anytime soon. Now just doesn’t seem to be the time for it.

F*** you depression. Just f*** you stupid, ugly, exhausting depression.

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Oh friend. If I could reach across an ocean, I’d love to give you a hug and reassure you.

How many times did I call myself defective? I wanted to be better. For over 10 years, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get there. It’s only been in the last year that I’ve started figuring that out. There is no “better,” there’s just self-acceptance. I am the same person I was a year or two ago. I’m just as chronically fatigued, just as easily bored and disillusioned, just as distractible, and overall just as flawed. I feel at peace, though, because instead of trying to change my defects, I’m trying to live with them and accept them. It’s not always easy or fun or even okay, but I’m getting better with practice.

You carry the scars of trauma, the burdens of fatigue, the blows of betrayal, and the imbalances of bad brain chemistry. They hurt, they suck, they are enough to drain anyone. If I told you that those things are a part of you, could you see yourself coming to terms with that instead of rejecting part of yourself? We can’t reject part of ourselves without rejecting our whole self. If we could, everyone would be perfect and there would be no sadness. What’s left then? We either reject our whole self, or accept our whole self, even the parts that suck. We can try to better those thoughts and behaviors to make them manageable. Trying to reject them is like trying to tear blemishes out of our flesh, while trying to ignore them is like trying to ignore a tumor that will one day overwhelm your body. As with a physical imperfection or health problem, the best we can do with our shortcomings is accept them as part of our being, and treat them the best we can. With self-care and acceptance, we can manage our shortcomings, and maybe even lessen them some day.

@micro, you have so many beautiful qualities, it would be a tragedy for you to reject them. You are kind, empathetic, smart, determined, artistic, and grounded. You have a strong sense of self, you know how you deserve to be treated, and you know it’s wrong when you are treated as anything less. As evidenced by this post, you know that something is disordered, and that there’s more to life than this. You are pragmatic and honest about your flaws, or “fearless” in 12-step terms. You are an asset to the world. When I see you respond here, I wonder what time it is in Belgium and whether the sun is shining on you, and my world gets a little bigger.

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Thank you so much, @SheetMetalHead. I really don’t deserve such kindness. Your words go straight to my heart, as usual. You have this unique way to bring warmth in times when things seem very dark.

It all comes back to acceptance and, partially, to this weird yet primordial concept of “letting go”, isn’t it? I guess it’s hard to look after peace when negative thoughts are rushing. It feels like a battle, and my first reaction is to clench my fists even stronger than before, even if it means to lose some punches against myself. It’s both comforting and depressing to realize that I am still fighting against the same walls, not just ones that were given to me, but also the ones I create within myself.

Nights are long lately. And now days seem endless too. I still want to see the sun rising up tomorrow. I just wished there was less pain. It seems to overshadow everything.

Thank you for being you, for bringing so much hope and love to so many, but also for making my world bigger too. You are such a pure light. It’s a very special and humbling experience to do life alongside you, even with an ocean of distance.

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For my first years in therapy, my therapists told me to let go. I never took that well. My response: “I realize my life is out of control. It’s like I’m behind the wheel of a car, speeding toward a tree. I know I’m going to crash, but do you expect me to just let go of the steering wheel?” Our survival instincts tell us to fight like hell to the bitter end.

Letting go wasn’t conscious. I got tired of fighting. I also didn’t let go all at once. It’s been in stages for the last 8 years. I posted today about feeling anxious over planning to delete my Facebook. That’s another stage of letting go, another piece of my past I’m ready to cut loose, but something a part of me still wants to hang on to. It gets easier with time, but there are no instruction pamphlets on How to Let Go of Your Past and Pain. All this to say, it’s easy enough for me to say “Just let go” like a sappy motivational speaker; but I know it’s counterintuitive, and I don’t know how to “do” it. All I can say is that letting of your pain is the key, and hopefully when you recognize that it’s time, you allow it to happen.

 I'm not giving up, I'm giving in
 So let's begin again.
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Sweet friend,

I wish I could be close and hug you right now. Help you with things when the day is harder and just show you how much you are loved! I’ve known you almost 1.5 years now and I’m so glad that I do, because you are a light in my life! Knowing you has made my life better, because you’re an inspiration and a great friend. I’ve seen the steps you’ve been making this past year and that is not easy, not at all! You’re growing and growing doesn’t always happen as fast as we want to, but it does happen. I can see it and so can the people around you. I love you, sweet friend! :hrtlegolove:

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All I can say is that letting of your pain is the key, and hopefully when you recognize that it’s time, you allow it to happen.

It’s exactly where I am now. On this thin line between life and death, to put it in a simple but direct way. The hardest part being that it’s not something I could decide once. It has to be a repeated decision, over and over again, that every day I am still here and every breath I take will be the reflection. The other side, on the opposite, only requires one decision, one time. It feels unfair to have to make that choice again and again while what seems like a never-ending process could be stopped almost immediately, even if it wouldn’t be painless.

It’s all about learning to let go. A thing that often comes to my mind is some kind of cry full of rage coming directly from my heart, that keeps saying : it’s not fair. I always had a strong drive for justice, but I never realized how much this is also what keeps me stuck in the same position today. Since I’ve started to go back to therapy, to make healthier decisions regarding my private life, to get a better understanding of how trauma works on my brain and body, I’ve also initiated some kind of grieving process that I absolutely didn’t expect to be that deep. Oftentimes I really want to go back, to be disconnected again, to be in a state of ignorance regarding why I feel how I feel. It’s so upsetting, even more when most of the days there is this feeling of having to start over again from the beginning while it’s not true. Just like when you grieve the loss of someone you love, and wake up sometimes with an acute realization of their disappearance as if it was the first time, while it’s not.

I’m starting to realize that I’m holding too strong to a need for justice. Well, not just “justice” in general, but a justice that will never happen. It’s weird, because it’s both part of what helps me to heal - I needed to come to that point in order to realize that things that happened in the past were wrong -, but also of what keeps me back. No one will ever be held accountable for the mess that I have to deal with, no one will refund me for the time that I’ve lost, no one will heal all the tears that shouldn’t have existed, and this freaking, heavy pain that weighs on my chest almost everyday is something that I have to deal with. It probably sounds childish to say that, as it’s no breaking news that life is difficult and pain is part of any human experience.

I know, logically, that I am supposed to learn to let go of this justice that won’t happen. But my heart keeps being stuck with this desire. A part of me is holding on to it, in a way that is so strong. It holds the root of an anger that I’ve never felt before, or never really noticed. I’ve never been unable to be really angry, probably because it’s an emotion that scares me. But I’m learning that anger, for me, manifests itself in a more silent way, yet still in a heavy and impactful way too.

I need to let go of a restoration that will never happen. You know there’s these lyrics from a song of LP that resonate deep with how I feel, and I can’t help thinking about it as I’m writing this:

“I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got
Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn’t so”

I still don’t have the recipe. I still don’t know where I’m supposed to look in order to find it, besides my inner self and heart. I still don’t know. The only thing I believe in is that to keep showing up everyday, aka not giving up, is part of acceptance, of building resilience, and somehow part of the process of letting go as well. Because it’s still the very first way to say that I’m not over, that I’m still standing despite the losses, even when I’m holding on to an illusion that I feel the need to keep.

At this point, I guess I’m just scared that this determination wouldn’t last enough to allow me to build this recipe that I need. It feels like following two race circuits at the same time, but one goes so slow while the other one feels like running under a sword ready to fall on me anytime. Destruction takes a second while building something is a long process.

I believe that’s actually where this belief that I’m made to die by my own hands come from. Because it feels too often that I won’t have the strength, patience and resilience required to keep pushing through. Acceptance sounds like a peaceful place to be, yet it’s still a learning process, and really not a peaceful one. Somehow I accept entirely who I am and my entire story, because I am still here, alive and breathing. But internally and through the way I live my life, I keep sabotaging myself, I keep hiding, and I keep living in a way that is not fulfilling. I feel scattered between those two opposite sides of my heart.

I don’t believe that I have what it takes to reach a place of acceptance. I hope so. I want to. But it really feels like walking on a road with many many signs around you that all say you’re not moving the right way. I suppose the signs were planted by others without my consent… still I forget this fact almost everyday, and I still need to unlearn all of it. It’s a daunting task. I’m not that strong. Maybe one day I’ll see it differently but I’m really not there yet. How I wish I was though.

One day at a time, right? It’s tempting to see the journey as a whole when we feel lost. But it’s also so destructive. Even after years of learning to be a pro-overthinker, I keep falling in this trap. I do believe a part of the answers I need is to be found in the acceptance of what is, in the present moment. Beyond judgment, beyond meaning, beyond words, just because this life is a freaking mess and it’s too complex to wrap my head around that all the time. There’s a need for finding the joy and magic of being, and only this. Just hard to do that when people made you learn to hate yourself and your own company during most of your existence. Small steps are needed… Small steps, always.

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You have an astonishing way with your words, Micro. So many parts of your writings, I felt in my heart. Thank you for speaking to me, helping me feel like I’m not alone in this ride. Small steps is right. The road appears foggy, painful, and endless but each step we make is for the better.

You have some lovely people that support you and if it means anything, I am here for you as well. Stay strong, my friend :heart:

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Thank you so much @itsnotoveryet for your kind words. I value a lot the importance of words. And as someone who struggles with spoken words, it always warms my heart to know that what I write can still have a positive impact. I’m so very glad that, by reading my ramblings, you felt less alone. This ride as you said is pretty isolating. But if this feeling of being alienated from the rest of the world can be lessened, even just a little, by being vulnerable and sharing our experiences, then it has to be a victory. :hrtlegolove:

I really apreciate you for taking the time to share this. It really means a lot to me, and I’m looking forward to keep seeing you on the forum. As you mentioned on your profile: I’m really glad that you’ve decided to create an account and be part of this online fam’. Your vulnerability and your love are truly appreciated. :hrtlegolove:

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