I wish I could trade this brain of mine for one that would be healthier and more loving to myself. It’s exhausting to wake up everyday to feel the same heaviness, to face the same struggles, to experience the same pain, over and over. It’s exhausting to actively push away the thoughts that tell me I’m a burden, a waste of time, an insignificant piece of nothing that will be easily forgotten. Exhausting to push away the thoughts that tell me to hang myself when I’m alone at night. Hard to give up on this plan that keeps being stuck in my mind, no matter how hard I try. Hard to stop thinking about the details and plan any outcome.
I know what is right though. I know what needs to be done. I know how to be safe. But being safe means hurting, and having nothing to alleviate this pain until it gets better. “Until it gets better”. 20+ years of “until it gets better” is starting to be a lot. It’s once again the face full of tears that I have to try to give up on the will to end it all, and with it the hope of not feeling anything anymore. I hate that these thoughts keep growing silently. I hate those cycles. I wish they didn’t even exist, but then I shouldn’t be at all. So, there’s no perfect equation. Only pain on both ends, and I hate it all. I hate what I’ve become. How deep this depression is and how hard it is to climb out of this pit, not just once, but repeatedly. I’ll keep pushing anyway. I’d rather be in pain than adding any of it on the shoulders of the people I love. This world is cruel and unfair enough. I don’t want to add more to it.
Same choices, same decisions, same pain. Again and again. I hate this depression and how alone it makes me feel. Just needed to say it today, because once again I’ve been bottling up for too long. I don’t believe brighter days will ever be a thing for me. I used to, but it seems that now I’m getting used to the idea of not being able to live a real life anymore. Sometimes it’s hard to know when it’s my depressed mind talking or when I’m actually being rational. Maybe these days are just a mix of both. In any case, I hate it all.
I’m begging please, make it stop, just for a second, so I can feel again how it was to worry about nothing and to know, deep inside, that everything will be alright. I was so much more resilient when I was a kid. The weight of the years are not helping. I still don’t see myself being older than 30. Just thinking about the possibility to be the same, or worse, in two years, is something I don’t even want to have a “chance” to see. I know it’s not healthy to start defeated though. I’m just hurting and needed to say it. This pain needs to stop, or I’ll have to end it sooner or later. I can’t keep moving on only thanks to temporary glimmers of hope. It’s just not human. But I don’t even know where to start anymore. It feels like I’ve already started over too many times. I’m doing what needs to be done. I receive help and somehow I’m not alone. But it’s such a daily battle to just get less than a flavor of what life should be.
Hopefully things will feel clearer and easier tomorrow, or anytime soon. Now just doesn’t seem to be the time for it.
F*** you depression. Just f*** you stupid, ugly, exhausting depression.