For now i’ll simply refer to myself as lark. I’m intending to simply go full honesty here and to hell with the consequences. the reason i say the latter part of this is i have trouble believing anonymity clauses.
I am 25 years old at the moment, with a number of issues present more than i will likely recall to hand whilst writing this. where to begin…
well trust seems to be the first point so. trust. i have issues trusting people. being autistic (albeit higher functioning) i find it difficult to pick up on social cues social structer etc. yadda yadda. it is a disadvantage but for the most part i try not to use it as an “excuse”. and often don’t tell people unless i have legitimately started to become “friends” with them. i am practically at the point of paranoia with the information i give out to peopple even to those i actually consider close friends: example, i work in a call centre had an okay day but was delayed with a particularly nasty call right at the end of the day before i was supposed to meet a couple of close friends online for some games. i had no intention of telling those friends about that call, though did inform my housemate who was also joining us (and i also consider to be a friend). he then carried that message on whilst i was in the toilet. that is then information that is out of my hands. he did it without informing me he was going to do so then only informed me afterwords. shouldn’t be a problem right? it’s harmless information and relevant to them as i was delayed in the first place. yet the fact that that was shared without my permission means that i am now mentally feeling more careful about what i should be telling them.
nobody is truly fully dependable and trustworthy. i’m aware that i’m an unusually private person by nature but it’s not just small bits like this. i had a friend once. i say once because whilst they harbour no ill will towards me i can no longer consider them to be my friend after having heard (2nd hand so can’t trust 100% that information either" that they had stabbed someone they were at least social with regarding damage to their reputation. in broad daylight. in front of a camera (yes this has been followed up by the police). the more i write at the moment i feel like i’m shivering and i know it’s not just due to the cold because i’m sat next to a halogen heater.
what’s next… well i guess i would point next to my social issues that i brought up earlier in this. i struggle with making friendships, humor, and understanding social boundaries (and as a result of this err on the side of caution almost every time, making sure to not do too much to put those relationships at risk). results of this have lead to self sabotage with the one relationship i can actually say that i’ve had that could have actually lead somewhere, the only other relationship i have had in my life lead nowhere and didn’t last a month. they couldn’t deal with my issues. i can’t say i blame them. it’s difficult to explain. at one point it was a point of pride for me that i could get along with anyone even though i may not necessarily become their best mate. in recent years it’s made me feel isolated and alone because now there’s only 2 people (maybe 4 if i’m lucky) that i know i can rely on as a friend who consider me in a similar way to how i consider them. i’m extremely grateful to them. without them i wouldn’t be here now. funny thinking that. for the most part i wouldn’t call myself suicidal though that is less the case these days. sucks even more when you feel suicidal but feel like a coward for not going through it but more of a coward for running away from life in the first place. there’s no way to win.
I had a bunch more points to make but since writing this i felt like i had to walk away in order to calm myself down and am in a better mood with no intention to delve back into the depths of negative thinking that is my inner thoughts and reflections.
anyone still reading, thank you for listening if you have any advice to give i’ll try and check back here at some point but honestly i don’t know what i was expecting when i came here and may delete this account in a day or so. have a great evening/day