Venting. guidance appreciated

[Lark]

Hi world.

For now i’ll simply refer to myself as lark. I’m intending to simply go full honesty here and to hell with the consequences. the reason i say the latter part of this is i have trouble believing anonymity clauses.
I am 25 years old at the moment, with a number of issues present more than i will likely recall to hand whilst writing this. where to begin…
well trust seems to be the first point so. trust. i have issues trusting people. being autistic (albeit higher functioning) i find it difficult to pick up on social cues social structer etc. yadda yadda. it is a disadvantage but for the most part i try not to use it as an “excuse”. and often don’t tell people unless i have legitimately started to become “friends” with them. i am practically at the point of paranoia with the information i give out to peopple even to those i actually consider close friends: example, i work in a call centre had an okay day but was delayed with a particularly nasty call right at the end of the day before i was supposed to meet a couple of close friends online for some games. i had no intention of telling those friends about that call, though did inform my housemate who was also joining us (and i also consider to be a friend). he then carried that message on whilst i was in the toilet. that is then information that is out of my hands. he did it without informing me he was going to do so then only informed me afterwords. shouldn’t be a problem right? it’s harmless information and relevant to them as i was delayed in the first place. yet the fact that that was shared without my permission means that i am now mentally feeling more careful about what i should be telling them.
nobody is truly fully dependable and trustworthy. i’m aware that i’m an unusually private person by nature but it’s not just small bits like this. i had a friend once. i say once because whilst they harbour no ill will towards me i can no longer consider them to be my friend after having heard (2nd hand so can’t trust 100% that information either" that they had stabbed someone they were at least social with regarding damage to their reputation. in broad daylight. in front of a camera (yes this has been followed up by the police). the more i write at the moment i feel like i’m shivering and i know it’s not just due to the cold because i’m sat next to a halogen heater.
what’s next… well i guess i would point next to my social issues that i brought up earlier in this. i struggle with making friendships, humor, and understanding social boundaries (and as a result of this err on the side of caution almost every time, making sure to not do too much to put those relationships at risk). results of this have lead to self sabotage with the one relationship i can actually say that i’ve had that could have actually lead somewhere, the only other relationship i have had in my life lead nowhere and didn’t last a month. they couldn’t deal with my issues. i can’t say i blame them. it’s difficult to explain. at one point it was a point of pride for me that i could get along with anyone even though i may not necessarily become their best mate. in recent years it’s made me feel isolated and alone because now there’s only 2 people (maybe 4 if i’m lucky) that i know i can rely on as a friend who consider me in a similar way to how i consider them. i’m extremely grateful to them. without them i wouldn’t be here now. funny thinking that. for the most part i wouldn’t call myself suicidal though that is less the case these days. sucks even more when you feel suicidal but feel like a coward for not going through it but more of a coward for running away from life in the first place. there’s no way to win.

I had a bunch more points to make but since writing this i felt like i had to walk away in order to calm myself down and am in a better mood with no intention to delve back into the depths of negative thinking that is my inner thoughts and reflections.

anyone still reading, thank you for listening if you have any advice to give i’ll try and check back here at some point but honestly i don’t know what i was expecting when i came here and may delete this account in a day or so. have a great evening/day

[leonafan000]

Hi…
Everything that you said made sense to me.
By reading this you made me feel like that now…

I must help you. Listen to this: If you have suicidal thoughts, remember that your friends, even if they are not 100% trustworthy, care about you a lot and they would be heartbroken if you did.

I really am trying to help but I don’t know how because reading this made me feel like you.
It’s deja vou to me that your name on here was Lark and you made this post, but almost everything had been deja vou around now…
what you are saying makes the most perfect sense. It is one of the most sensical things I have read.

@Sapphire
Can you please help me help Lark?

[Sapphire]

@leonafan000

Can you please help me help Lark?

@Lark

Hi world.

Hi Lark,

Welcome to Heart Support. This is a great place to come and vent, and there is no reason to fear your anonymity here. Share as little or as much as you want.

@Lark

well trust seems to be the first point so. trust. i have issues trusting people. being autistic (albeit higher functioning) i find it difficult to pick up on social cues social structer etc.

Dear friend. Trust is hard. I have struggled with trust issues for much of my life, having grown up in multiple abusive environments and having been abandoned multiple times. My life as always been unstable, and this has led to it being very difficult to trust people. I don’t know your history so I don’t know what all of your contributing factors are so I don’t have any specific advice for this as of yet. But do know that I hear you and you are not alone. Over time we can learn to trust others more, but a lot of this is reinforced by communication.

I am not Autistic and so I don’t have first hand experience of it but my husband has Asperger’s and so I have experienced it from the outside for almost a decade. My own psychiatric diagnosis also leads me to have some similar characteristics though, for example, when I am highly stressed it is extremely difficult for me to communicate, I’m prone to sensory overload, I get upset when things are not in their place and I can be obsessive sometimes.

@Lark

it is a disadvantage but for the most part i try not to use it as an “excuse”. and often don’t tell people unless i have legitimately started to become “friends” with them.

I don’t agree that Autism is a disadvantage. Generally speaking, those with Autism also tend to have high intelligences and have a lower chance of developing other mental illnesses. They tend to be highly analytical and probably the most honest people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. All of these things are great.

When I met my husband, he also wouldn’t tell people he had Asperger’s. He was embarrassed by it, he thought as soon as people found out he had Autism people would treat him differently. When we started dating he told me he had Asperger’s and I genuinely didn’t care (in the sense that when I see my husband, I see my husband. I don’t see Asperger’s, if that makes sense.) and I was the first girlfriend that he had ever told about it. I believe up until then, he had only told a couple of close friends and his dad knew, but that was about it.

Over time I was able to ease his discomfort and help him understand that being on the spectrum is nothing to be ashamed of or hide. It is something that makes you uniquely you and there is no reason to hide that. It doesn’t make you any less of a person and regardless of this, you matter, friend. I understand that it can be hard to open up but you may find that not always holding this back when forming relationships can help you - you won’t have to ask yourself if you should tell them or not, and more importantly, it can help others communicate with you better if they understand how Autism can affect communication.

@Lark

i had no intention of telling those friends about that call, though did inform my housemate who was also joining us (and i also consider to be a friend). he then carried that message on whilst i was in the toilet. that is then information that is out of my hands. he did it without informing me he was going to do so then only informed me afterwords. shouldn’t be a problem right?

There are a couple of ways to look at this. You should be able to tell your friends things in confidence and expect that they won’t share those things without your permission. This is one of the ways trust is built and maintained in relationships. However, it seems to me that your friend was just trying to be helpful by filling everyone in as to why you were late. I don’t think your friend did this maliciously to harm you, so I wouldn’t look to far into this. However, if it truly does bother you, a talk between you and your friend would probably be appropriate so that you can express how you feel and let them know that they are your friend and you trust them which means that you should be able to talk to them without fear that they will tell someone else about your conversation. They won’t know your boundaries unless you inform them.

@Lark

nobody is truly fully dependable and trustworthy.

I think this is just part of being human. We all have our flaws and none of us are perfect. We slip up sometimes and make mistakes. It happens. Eventually if you want to form more meaningful relationships, you will have to take risks and let people in, otherwise you have doomed yourself to having as few friends as you have. It’s all a risk/reward thing. It’s up to you how much you want to risk in order to build relationships.

@Lark

i struggle with making friendships, humor, and understanding social boundaries (and as a result of this err on the side of caution almost every time, making sure to not do too much to put those relationships at risk).

I understand this as a person married to someone on the spectrum. When we first got together it was not uncommon for my husband to rely on me to explain to him how things happen the way they do as well as why they are that way whenever we are in a social situation. Er, well, usually after we leave a social situation, he will ask me about anything that confused him. It’s kind of an unspoken understanding between us - I am his bridge to all things social and I welcome his questions so that he doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable about asking.

I must reiterate the importance of communication. I know it is frustrating for you to not understand these things, but know that it can also be hard for those around you. This is one of the reasons I champion sharing your mental health. People on the Autism spectrum DO inherently communicate differently than those not on the spectrum. Sometimes it isn’t noticeable, but sometimes it is, extremely so. One of the things I had to learn, being married to my husband, is that sometimes he says things and they come across wrong and often offensive. He doesn’t do this to offend or hurt anyone, it’s just how it comes across because his understanding of social situations and communication is different than an Atypical person. This caused some friction early in our marriage because I was still learning that he didn’t say these things to hurt me or anyone, it’s just how he’s learned to communicate. We don’t have these issues anymore because I can usually spot when it’s just his Asperger’s touch as opposed to just being mean. People need to understand this difference. A good example of this is the fact that all of my husband’s exes considered him emotionally abusive because they didn’t understand how he processes and relays information. Yet, we are happily married with no problems and he is far from abusive, I just have a better understanding of what I’m dealing with. Does this make sense?

@Lark

they couldn’t deal with my issues

Not all people are equipped to handle this, admittedly, but again, they need to know what they are getting into and communication is key.

@Lark

in recent years it’s made me feel isolated and alone because now there’s only 2 people (maybe 4 if i’m lucky) that i know i can rely on as a friend who consider me in a similar way to how i consider them.

For what it’s worth, you’ve got me beat. So there’s that. I’m a firm believer in quality over quantity when it comes to relationships. Don’t aim for numbers, aim for quality.

@Lark

sucks even more when you feel suicidal but feel like a coward for not going through it but more of a coward for running away from life in the first place. there’s no way to win.

It takes great strength to walk away from the easy way out. You are not a coward. You are strong. We all face hurdles and the fact that you keep coming back to face them is a great thing. No reason to think less of yourself. It’s something to be proud of. You are strong, friend.

I’m glad you came here to seek advice. Whether you decide to stick around or not, we Heart Support will always be here to help you with your struggles. Be well, friend.

[Lark]

Thank you for your understanding, and support.
It’s a difficult path and sometimes I need someone to just turn me back around so I’m facing forwards again. It’s good to see that there are still places I can go in order to do this… this is probably the first time i’ve actually voiced many of these concerns all at once and whilst in one respect i feel like i only dipped under the surface and wonder if i should continue into the rest of the worries that occasionally come to me, or go into further detail to see if anyone could give more precise advice i also don’t know if this is the place for that. not to mention i’m in a somewhat better mood today and continuing into those further issues would likely take me out of that. probably not healthy to avoid dealing with issues but also not sure it’s healthy to dote on them.

@leonafan000 sorry if my venting got you down but that’s a good friend you’ve got there and even just having an extra response it’s good to know someone out there is listening and willing to respond.
@Sapphire thanks for all of the advice, i feel like i could use someone like you around more often and your husband is a lucky man. whilst i know communication is key and often try and spread that message myself, when communication can be lacking it’s easy to fall back on bad habits such as comparing oneself to others or at least one’s perception of them.

If people are interested in hearing more from me here i’ll stick around a couple days longer, see if I can’t pay forward the help you both have passed on to me.

Whether flying low or flying high, keep on flying by

[Sapphire]

@Lark

Thanks for all of the advice, i feel like i could use someone like you around more often and your husband is a lucky man. whilst i know communication is key and often try and spread that message myself, when communication can be lacking it’s easy to fall back on bad habits such as comparing oneself to others or at least one’s perception of them.

You’re very welcome, friend. And I am the lucky one in my marriage, haha. (Although if you ask him, he would probably say he is the lucky one.)

Understood about communication. I, myself, am not always good at it so I understand falling into bad habits. That being said, it does help to have someone around who understands.

I would love to help with anything else that may be troubling you in any way I can. You are always welcome.