I don’t matter…
The voices of the monsters in my head scream louder and louder each day
And even though I’ve been told that they are lying…
I am unable to stop them from screaming out loud…
I am unable to make them stop telling me that I am unworthy…
It doesn’t matter what people say because I don’t listen anyways… WHY AM I NOT LISTENING? WHY AM I FEELING LIKE I’M SUCH A PIECE OF TRASH… such a waste of space… such a… not fitting in, but not able to disappear either… I want to disappear so bad, because I don’t want to waste people’s time… I don’t want people to be hurt by my existence… I don’t want people to care about me, because I’m not worth that… I’m not worth people caring, because all I can do is just hurt them in the end… All I’m good for is just: disappointment…
I feel like I’m late… Like I’m stuck in some kind of slow motion while the rest of the world is just going through… just like nothing happened… just like… they don’t need to think, rethink and then rethink the rethinking… they just do… and here I am… scared of making even the tiniest of mistakes…
Even the smallest things… even just “going outside” feels like a chore… and that it won’t matter anyways… it always has… and it’s stupid… it’s so stupid to just always, ALWAYS having to think before I can act… I’m getting so tired of always being in my head… not being able to enjoy the moment RIGHT NOW… it’s always… worry… it’s always… “this will be a good moment to look back on”, but never enjoying the moment itself… and I can even see that the people I’m with are enjoying the moment itself… I’m just stuck in my head and I can’t get out… Literally the only moments I’m at peace and in the moment are when I’m trying to distract myself with drawing or singing in performance… but even there the thoughts are creeping up… even there I’m starting to lose my head to the monsters in there… They’re destroying this place that once was filled with music, it seems like an echo chamber now… I want to go back… I want to go back to the time that I was just singing everything all the time, but that seems so fucking long ago…
It almost feels like I lost a part of me… and that’s a part that I just can’t find anymore, no matter how much I keep looking for it… I just can’t find it…
There’s no connection to the world around me, and just because of covid, there never was… but it was okay, because I still had my chamber of music… so I never really felt alone… but I feel like I lost it… I feel like I lost everything I was… and I can’t get it back…
Sorry for this long thing…
