I don’t really know who to talk to about this so I’m just going to vent here.
Recently two of my very close friends have been hit with hardships in regards to money and the health of animals and a lot of other things and it just makes me feel so defeated as a friend seeing them struggle like this. I honestly do not know how all of this can happen in a span of 3 days at the most. I know that God will never put something in front of you that you can’t get over but right now I am feeling a lot of anger.
I am angry at myself because I don’t really pray often. I don’t read the Bible. I don’t go to church. I don’t know where to start with all of that. I don’t know. I wish that I could pray, but I just don’t feel it when I do. I don’t feel the meaning. I believe in God but I just don’t feel the relationship, which I know I have to work on more.
My friends turn to me a lot to talk about their struggles and I’m glad to be a listening ear but I’ve come to see that I can’t be a listening ear to everyone. Even when you are just listening you still have to talk and it is just hard. Sometimes it’s getting bombarded by 5 different people and it’s just too much.
There is a person who I try to help but they haven’t seemed to take my advice and I told them I needed a break because I really do. And then they messaged me again yesterday and I just got so angry.
Recently anger has become a very but pattern in my daily life.
I try telling people how much they mean to me and that they don’t need to self injure to feel ok and I tell them things will be ok but they can’t see the light that I do because they are in the darkness. I feel terrible for talking to my friend the way I did today, I was being tough on him and I feel terrible especially with all the struggles he is going through.
I wish that I could sit and listen to everyone but I just can’t and I don’t think anyone can; it’s not healthy. I’ve been getting messages from a friend saying I need to be there for this person because I can’t and while I get it I can’t always do that especially lately. I am starting to understand my limits.
There is one thing about posting on the support wall just a simple kind encouraging post for those who are down to see and hopefully be uplifted by- but there is another thing checking in on friends that are struggling every day, and listening to their struggles, and battling with them to see the light. Sometimes my fingers just can’t type fast enough.
I know I need to work on my anger and handling it better. I’m just really tired with a lot of things. I went to an interview for a place I really wanted to work and it sucked, I just feel too awkward and I don’t think that will ever change and it just makes me so mad. The interview wasn’t that good but I don’t know if I am ready to work there yet anyways. I have an interview on Sunday so I hope this will be ok. I’m just so tired of trying with certain things. Whenever my dad is home I just have constant anxiety and it sucks a lot. I get sidetracked so easily and it is so frustrating.
Some good is I can see the light a lot more often now and I have a lot better coping mechanisms and I don’t resort to self injury now.
I guess what I do is I just take all the struggles of others and put it on myself- I care too much when my friends are struggling I guess. If that makes sense. I know that is not good at all to do that but I just don’t know how to not have things affect me so much.