I want to start by apologizing in advance for any misspell or grammatical nonsense i write because English is not my first language, still I’ll do my best.
I need somewhere to put this out, hoping i get something out of it. Is not a big deal, it can’t even be compared to some real shit people go trough. But it’s just been bugging me for the past week and i wanna shake it out.
Shit is really silly tbh, i even feel ashamed for giving attention to it, so much that i feel like speaking with someone about it would make them think i am week or whatsoever…
Here is the story:
Last Friday, not yesterday, but past week, me and a group of friends from the college went to a club, the only reason i went is because this girl I’ve been hanging with over the last month was going too,
and i thought that could be a perfect opportunity to make a move.
Getting to the point, we all were dancing, having a good time, we already had a couple of drinks on, and then it happened, i saw it reflected on my friend’s face: it was like he was giving some thought to something and the he made up his mind… he went straight to her, the girl i like, and i knew what was going to happen. To give you some context, this club is like fuck fest with clothes on. I turned my back to them as i didn’t want to see her kissing him but from that moment my anxiety kicked in, you know, the usual: self hate thoughts, blaming myself, ashamed, etc… the loud music and alcohol helped me (?) not feel so overwhelmed by myself.
The night went on, i got drunk, nothing really worth to mention except from that. I didn’t do anything stupid since i was feeling so numb in my drunkenness, well i did do something stupid: when i was dropping her at her house i demanded a kiss, i know, i am jerk … u_u obviously she declined.
That’s it. But since then we have been like avoiding each other, and it’s been a mess, a tension between us, we don’t talk, i find her sometimes peeking on me in the classroom and then shifting her attention, and i hate it. I’ve went trough being angry as fuck to sad because all of this.
I reached out to her on Wednesday by text, i asked straight to her if everything is fine between us, she said yes, but the tension, the avoiding, everything is still fucked up. I tried to face her and speak with she face to face, but it was a mistake as it only put more tension between us so i quit my attempt to “solve” things and moved on.
That’s pretty much it, i can’t even make my mind up to continue writing.
…cIs not like it’s the end of the world i know it, i already have enough to do and things to keep my mind busy but she is always in the back of my mind, and i am going over and over that night, the days before that, the days of this week… And i am so done with it, like stop please. Why can’t we talk like normal persons, get trough this and move on for bad or good. I know i am overreacting just for she kissing him, and i am making a big deal out of it… But that’s just who i am, sorry.
I don’t even blame her for doing it, she is single, it was the club, the alcohol, what ever, i really don’t blame her nor him, and i beg you not to bash against him nor her as is don’t see any point on doing it.
But God! why do it has to be this way… i know i can get easily many girls, i am not bad looking, and it’s easy for me to meet new people etc, but it’s not who i am, i don’t go around fucking everything that’s in front me, i enjoy making a connection, really dig the other person, grow a feeling, and i didn’t knew until now that’s what I’ve been doing these past couple of months with her. I am so stupid…
Also, it doesn’t matter what others are going through. This post is yours, and what you’re experiencing is important. No one here will think that you are weak or anything else. No one will judge you. So thank you for sharing. 