I want to start by apologizing in advance for any misspell or grammatical nonsense i write because English is not my first language, still I’ll do my best.
I need somewhere to put this out, hoping i get something out of it. Is not a big deal, it can’t even be compared to some real shit people go trough. But it’s just been bugging me for the past week and i wanna shake it out.
Shit is really silly tbh, i even feel ashamed for giving attention to it, so much that i feel like speaking with someone about it would make them think i am week or whatsoever…
Here is the story:
Last Friday, not yesterday, but past week, me and a group of friends from the college went to a club, the only reason i went is because this girl I’ve been hanging with over the last month was going too,
and i thought that could be a perfect opportunity to make a move.
Getting to the point, we all were dancing, having a good time, we already had a couple of drinks on, and then it happened, i saw it reflected on my friend’s face: it was like he was giving some thought to something and the he made up his mind… he went straight to her, the girl i like, and i knew what was going to happen. To give you some context, this club is like fuck fest with clothes on. I turned my back to them as i didn’t want to see her kissing him but from that moment my anxiety kicked in, you know, the usual: self hate thoughts, blaming myself, ashamed, etc… the loud music and alcohol helped me (?) not feel so overwhelmed by myself.
The night went on, i got drunk, nothing really worth to mention except from that. I didn’t do anything stupid since i was feeling so numb in my drunkenness, well i did do something stupid: when i was dropping her at her house i demanded a kiss, i know, i am jerk … u_u obviously she declined.
That’s it. But since then we have been like avoiding each other, and it’s been a mess, a tension between us, we don’t talk, i find her sometimes peeking on me in the classroom and then shifting her attention, and i hate it. I’ve went trough being angry as fuck to sad because all of this.
I reached out to her on Wednesday by text, i asked straight to her if everything is fine between us, she said yes, but the tension, the avoiding, everything is still fucked up. I tried to face her and speak with she face to face, but it was a mistake as it only put more tension between us so i quit my attempt to “solve” things and moved on.
That’s pretty much it, i can’t even make my mind up to continue writing.
…cIs not like it’s the end of the world i know it, i already have enough to do and things to keep my mind busy but she is always in the back of my mind, and i am going over and over that night, the days before that, the days of this week… And i am so done with it, like stop please. Why can’t we talk like normal persons, get trough this and move on for bad or good. I know i am overreacting just for she kissing him, and i am making a big deal out of it… But that’s just who i am, sorry.
I don’t even blame her for doing it, she is single, it was the club, the alcohol, what ever, i really don’t blame her nor him, and i beg you not to bash against him nor her as is don’t see any point on doing it.
But God! why do it has to be this way… i know i can get easily many girls, i am not bad looking, and it’s easy for me to meet new people etc, but it’s not who i am, i don’t go around fucking everything that’s in front me, i enjoy making a connection, really dig the other person, grow a feeling, and i didn’t knew until now that’s what I’ve been doing these past couple of months with her. I am so stupid…