Short long story my dad gets on my nerves too easily. I just feel so fucking triggered by him when he fools around with me, like I know he wants to tease me and he achieves it; the thing is I get too fucking volatile, seriously I feel like I could throw him the most savage hit in the face and maybe won’t stop there because I feel so fucking filled with rage, I’m thirty years old, good shape around 1,87 meaning I hit hard and with anger I will punch you out of your consciousness. But that scenario is not good. So I try to breathe trough it, feel the anger but remain calm, but the urge to explode is so huge…
I know where this anger comes from, It exploted in a therapy last week and behind it there was inmense sadness and pain from my childhood, the thing is I couldn’t let it out fully because even there wasn’t the right time…
This happened specifically an hour ago, he teased me, came around jocking to me, but ooooh if I reply back he gets mad and victimize himself to probably take some harsh actions, and I don’t wanna do it anyways you sick bastard, I don’t wanna fall in your sick game of shaming just because you bored or you don’t know how to deal with your emotions… and so my mom tags with him and I swear I just can’t bear it. I don’t know if I am overreacting, if I am being too sensitive, or don’t know… I am the one who is wrong you know!
So I go to my room because anyways I was planning to do some meditation but now I really had to do it, but before it I thought about what happened, and I came to the conclusion that they are both really a couple of sick sneaky toxic parents and it hurts me to think of me when I was a child, the shit I had to bare and that stuck with me all my life, I am finally letting it out when this quarantine ends, i’ll go to the therapy and deal with all this bullshit in me with guidance.
For now all I can do is breathe and vent here. Thank you.