Waiting for the storm to pass

Today has been literal Hell.

Yesterday was literal Hell.

These past few days have been too fucking much. I am at my breaking point.

The things I’m going to say are things that I don’t want to say. I don’t want to paint a picture of my parents that make it seem like they are terrible parents. I don’t want to say any of these things about my parents but I have been brought to the end of my rope.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

It’s like my sister can never do ANYTHING right. Sometimes I just want to scream at her to just shut up because it’s like anything she says will be turned into something else by my father,

Yes- my dad was sick and almost freaking died two years ago, and since then life has been a freaking rollercoaster and I don’t know how to make it stop. We have TRIED and TRIED and TRIED to talk to him about it and he NEVER gets it or he NEVER believes it and it is so freaking hard. Today my sister just was talking like she always does at dinner and it got turned into a freaking argument and I’m glad that today when my mom snapped at my father that he shut it right down. Everything my sister says is just like blown out of proportion by him- anything she does is blown out of proportion- today he got freaking pissed because she had cereal under the counter for an extended period of time and she hasn’t eaten it- I DON’T GET WHAT THE FUCK MATTERS ANYMORE.

I KNOW that people have THEIR OWN STRUGGLES- but don’t you think it will get to a point where there is nothing that can be done? I don’t hold all the power in my hands to change things and make them better.

I just want to get out of this house because I literally can’t take it anymore. Sometimes it’s like the only way out is just ending it because how else am I supposed to get away from all of this.

My mom has talked about divorce, my sister and I talk a lot about moving out but we are both gong to be broke college kids and my sister already is far into a trench. Just what is the freaking point anymore?

There have been SO MANY times that I have been ignored by my father for days because I did something he took out of proportion- one time I didn’t laugh at one of his jokes and he didn’t talk to me for like 2 freaking days. It killed me. It always does. It’s like I’m a freaking no good piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to be alive. I don’t deserve love. Is this what all relationships are going to be like?

I try so freaking hard to not have arguments with friends, I try so hard to ONLY be happy and show that fake happiness because it’s the only way that I can avoid an argument or someone getting mad at me.

I have relapsed with self injury so many freaking times because of these things. I have been sent into the deepest freaking depressions and anxiety attacks and it freaking sucks.

I don’t want to make it seem like my parents are terrible because who would? I love them, they gave me life and they payed to sustain my freaking existence and I hope one day I can pay them back for all of it.

Sometimes because of these things I feel like I can’t feel love. I don’t know what it is anymore.

I feel broken and beaten and I’m getting to a point where I’m getting so freaking sick of picking myself back up.

I don’t know how to. I don’t know how I’m going to make it.

I am so sick of being alive and living in this hell.

I hate saying these things but I am at the end of my rope and I am just so freaking done with life.

Thanks for reading if you did.

With love,
the person who hates their guts and is dead inside

Hey Lyss -
I get it. I can relate so much to this post. I live in an extremely stressful household. The tension in the air is so thick, you can slice it. I feel like I am the only one who keeps it together and it’s extremely tiring. I’m not saying that my family are not amazing people either, because they most definitely are. We’ve been through a lot as a whole, and everyone has their own way of coping. I look at this way - we just feel defeated at times. We need to let go of thought that we are the only ones who have control, or the ability to be the ‘glue’ to our family. Or as you said, the ones who can make it all better. That is a ton of heavy to have to carry around. Cast your weariness aside and start with yourself. Give your soul more attention. Because the better you are, the better everything is going to be. Look forward to seeing that rainbow after the storm. I hope things get easier for you my friend.

With all of my love,

Hi Lyss
I think the point is you. You’re tired, and that means you’ve been fighting. You’re beating up life, even though life kicked your ass right back. Believe in yourself. Things are tough in the house, but don’t let it change you, No one is perfect, none of us here are, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of or hate yourself for.
We are here whenever you need us, day or night, end of the world or not.
We believe in you. Keep your claws sharp, and stay strong.

Dear Lyss,

My brother and I were talking last night about how we loved our parents but at the same time are utterly mystified at a lot of what they did and said to us and why, when we were living at home/growing up, and what you say above sounds so familiar. You are not alone, and your feelings make so much sense to me. I wish I could shelter you from the turmoil and I’m so proud of you for the dedication and resilience you have to keep picking yourself up. You are worth it, and that’s hard to remember when you feel so drained but it is so true. Every day is a step closer to the life you want to live, even the hellish ones. I’m so glad you are here.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this.
One of the things that I have learnt during the 6 months of my recovery, is that I cannot hold myself responsible for other peoples happiness. It’s not your job to make things better for others at the expense of yourself. It sounds callous and harsh, and I am not saying you never help the people you love out but if things aren’t changing no matter what you try or do, then you have to come to a point where you realize that it isn’t up to you anymore.
I really struggled with this and still do, but I have come to realize that if I am not healthy, I cannot help others be healthy. For me, my mom is going through a really hard time and I have tried what I can but she seems very content currently to stay stuck in her little hole and I am trying now to step away and realize that it is not my responsibility to make her change. I cannot help her if she doesn’t want it. It is crazy hard, and I daily struggle with it - but for me, faith plays a big part in my life, so when I am struggling with stepping away from that situation and feeling neglectful, I stop and pray for her.
Find what works for you, and take care of yourself and your recovery first. You can’t control what happens in your family (as much as we all want to).
Thinking of you and praying for you as you go through this.

Hey @Lyss - I’m sorry to hear that these last few days haven’t been very kind to you. BUT I do like your title. Waiting for the storm to pass. That’s really all we can do when we’re going through terrible seasons in life - wait for it to pass. Sometimes the storm will be a quick Tennessean storm, or sometimes the storm will be a long Coloradan storm. Either way, it WILL pass. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but it WILL pass. Keep holding on. We believe in you!