I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel like I’m enough in general. It’s scary. I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was getting better. But now I feel like I’m spiraling, and plunging, into darkness. I don’t necessarily WANT to do that, but something about it is pulling me in. Could it be relapse? I feel like I should be punished. Maybe I deserve to be harmed by my own hand. I honestly don’t feel like it’s a maybe. I feel like I deserve it. I don’t know…maybe I’m finally going crazy. Maybe I’ve completely lost it. When I think about self harm, cutting more specifically, I smile. I breathe. What’s wrong with me? This…this thing that’s supposedly super bad is what puts my mind at ease. I don’t understand. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to reset my counter, but I don’t know how long I can hold it back anymore. I’m sorry everyone. I thought I was stronger…
But you are strong. You are strong enough to put your thoughts out into the world. You’re strong enough to seek help. You are strong enough to see your words here. Healing doesn’t take strength it takes patience.
I too have been feeling similar thoughts. The darkness is always with me too. It’s with all of us. But it isn’t us. We’re made of tougher stuff than we can imagine. So are you.
Hey Sarah,
This dark side can be very appealing, even comforting, and I promise there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not weak for having this desire to dive into it. Its existence doesn’t mean you would listen to it either. You’ve proved to yourself, to the rest of this world, of how strong you are, because you are here today, alive, breathing, existing. You’ve shown so much strength through this huge amount of time without hurting yourself. Every day, every hour, every second without it has been the reflection of your inner strength, and it’s not gone today. It’s still part of you, full of life and perseverance. You are stronger than this energy that tries to put you down.
We believe in you. We love you. Let the storm pass, friend. And be sure to stay safe while you see it fading away. You are not alone. 
I now share an inspiring story with you.
Hiroyoshi’s Story
I have never seen light. I don’t even know what light is. I don’t know what it’s even like to see anything. I have only four senses. Smell, touch, hearing, and taste. Mine aren’t much more powerful than the average human’s. But I notice them more. I know that sight is a powerful sense, allowing a person to perceive everything without touching it, hearing to move, or smelling it. It is not a chemical sense. But I cannot sense everything around in this way. But I can use that to my advantage. Sight is so powerful, that people take their other senses for granted. Not to be biased against sight or people who can see, its power is amazing actually. I just don’t know how to explain it. I understand things differently than most people. I understand shadow as cold and sunny and bright as warmth. Now my family found a new house in a town somewhat far away. I lost contact with my best friend, Aoi. His voice is so beautiful. His hugs are so comforting. He and I support each other no matter what. I swore to myself to find him again, and my friend Yume who moved away when I was in fifth grade as well. I play volleyball. I can play any position. I started practicing volley when I was 6 years old. Now at the new high school I am going to in this new town, they have a volleyball club. I decided to wear a headband over my blind eyes and pretend I wasn’t blind to the team here, because though my team from before are so nice and by now they are like family to me, they treat me differently because of my blindness. I don’t want my new team to think of me differently, so I decided to keep it a secret that I am blind. Now for you to understand what happened when I met one of the other first years at the new high school, which is called Karasuno by the way, I must show you a flashback.
On my middle school team, there was one person named Araiguma. I often forgot that their name was Araiguma. Araiguma is so tall that when Araiguma stands over you, you feel cold like you are in the shadow of a mountain. Thus I call them “Kage Yama (Shadow Mountain)” as a nickname. Araiguma’s deep, aggressive voice still gets in my dreams. This is how our friendship became so strong. Most of my team didn’t believe in me. They just didn’t have in their minds that a blind person, especially one as short as I, could play volleyball as well as I actually can. So I was on my knees begging them to realize, though I didn’t think it would work, but the Captain had a plan. I begged, “Team, listen to me. Just because I have only four senses and you have five doesn’t mean that I can’t know where the ball is and save it without hesitation. Just because I’m blind doesn’t mean you have to go easy on me. I was born this way so that I would have to work harder than most to achieve my dreams. I can do this!” So the Captain replied, “Okay Hiroyoshi we’re going to divide into two teams and we’ll stop going easy on you if the smaller team that you lead forces us to go hard.” So I stood and waited for someone to decide to be on my team. I wasn’t going to force anyone to be on my side. And then a beautiful, deep voice spoke up. As the person walked confidently closer to me, I could smell their sweat, but I still felt cold in their shadow. “I’ll be on your team, Hiroyo. And I won’t go easy. I promise. I believe in you,” said the person. And of course, it was Araiguma. And Araiguma’s determination spread. The shy girl who always helps out with the team said, “I’ll be on your team too, Hiro.” So then my team, That shy girl, Araiguma, and I, were assembled on the other side of the net. The Captain yelled, “Okay, begin the game.” I turned and whispered to Araiguma. “I believe in you too, Kage Yama. Together we are stronger.” And the game began. My team didn’t win, but we forced the bigger team to go hard on us. And my middle school team almost never treated me differently anymore. Now when I started going to Karasuno, that particular first year stood over me. I was in his cold shadow. His deep, aggressive voice was so familiar. He was just like Araiguma. I asked him his name, and he seemed somewhat surprised that I didn’t know his name. Kageyama Tobio is what he said. Kage Yama. And he reminds me so much of Araiguma, my comrade, who disappeared in middle school. And there was a third year who I met. I cried when I heard his voice. He sounds just like Aoi. His surname is Sugawara, his friends call him Suga. I call him Suga-san too because Suga sounds like Sugo (amazing). And when I ask him for a hug, he gladly gives it to me. His hugs are like Aoi’s hugs. And one high school is over, I promise to myself to find Suga-san and Kage Yama again. Because together, we are stronger.
I shall never know color, and I shall never know light. But what I do know is that when the warm, bright sun comes out in the cold rain, something called a rainbow is visible, with every beautiful color in it. And I have been living in darkness, yet the rainbow and the light make sense, though I shall never see them. Maybe you’ll see the rainbow in the cold rain, and feel the warmth of the sun even though the rain and darkness is still there.
Keep holding on 
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