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Wandering thoughts of life light darkness and suicide

I really do hate this life, but to deal with it I’ve been writing lyrics and working 7 days a week giving me something to do. Honestly at this point I don’t trust myself and feel like theres just a matter of time before end up with more regrets. Yeah it did go from 0-10 quickly. I’m almost 25. Just thought what do I have to lose in this life. Nothing really, theres pros and cons but the only con is being hopeful you can only progress by moving forward but Maybe one day there can be joy and peace.

Is suicide or taking my life an option? I’ve asked that on a daily basis. Though we do not know what’s on the otherside of the door. Even if there is an after life.
My beliefs there isn’t anti just ideas and thoughts maybe A God can exist an Originator Creator. It seems rather impossible for poof. But why is he so significant?

I am hanging on and I feel like I dont really have a reason to live. But what holds me back slightly is that what if he’ll was real why would I want to suffer forever but I dont know and it bothers me even more. Nobody really understands why I feel this way.

I’ve been cast out, abused since I can speak word mentally and physically. And wanted to die but chose to get into drugs because I asked someone for help… it went from weed, and felt close but then it took such a dark turn. Experimenting drugs but like if God does exist and he supposedly judges then right there im going to hell im not a perfect person I have so much regrets.

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Heya friend,
I’m going through the same thing, yea, it really is stressful but there’s a point in everyone’s life where we hit rock bottom, climb up from there, and peak in the clouds. Giving up doesn’t mean you’ve lost the game unless you aren’t breathing, so if you keep climbing and keep fighting things will get better and you can find that joy and peace you are searching for.
I personally don’t believe in a god or any sort of religious being other than the universe itself being its own wild entity. Karma and order of energies. Honestly the only thing that makes a “god” significant is because for centuries people have followed a book for control that wasn’t even set in stone and contradicted itself several times over. But it does have good advice on how to live life.
Everyone has a reason to live, we make that reason, whether it be in the relationships we make with people, our hobbies, what makes us human, etc. Things have meaning, everything has meaning because everything is alive.
Abuse is the one main thing that makes a person doubt life at all, it’s tough to go through and to grow from, but it can be done, and it will be worth it. After all life itself is a lesson to be taught, and we live it over and over again.
If you’re thinking about stopping drugs I’d say that’s a step in the right direction. You may have many regrets, but you can’t change the past. You can change your future though ^~^
I’m not sure what you’re going through, but I hope you can find someone to reach out to. Life does get better, I promise you that.
-Xaii

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@ImKnowledge

The things you are venting here is what some of this community has gone through. Today, is Chester Bennington’s 4th year anniversary of his death. I think about him everyday. Still miss him. Even though I don’t know him well. He left a huge hole. He is still loved. You are created for a purpose, and God has not forsaken you. You have to chose The Truth over lies. Can I advise you to take days off from your job or a vacation? You can do something healthy and feel refresh. Continue to reach out. Even if it is one person, it’s good enough. I hope you are staying safe, and thank you for existing. God loves you.

What do you mean created for a purpose and loves? Sorry if what I had said makes no sense the autocorrect is bad lol. Yeah I forgit about Linkin Park…

But I dont understand anything with what was said. What do you mean God loves? What do you mean Truth over lies? I’m not a Christian so I have no idea what you’re talking about but only a few times I went to church. A friend invited me we went to see August Burns Red and went to a local church and we ran into Matt Greiner of all people.

But I am in the end so numb and I end up cutting myself just to feel anything. I can’t shake off the feeling that I just don’t want to live anymore. I’ve tried the things that people suggested. But the only thing that is new was just walking down the street and someone told me the same thing which enfluenced this post. They said hey man I don’t know what you’re going through but God loves you. And it shook me up.

I work at a job I keep myself busy 40 hour weeks I started a forklift job about 5 weeks ago. I dont ever take off. It keeps me in check and I hate weekends off its when everything comes like a flood. After training still I should be working 12 hour days 7 days a week sure ots good money but it keeps me focused head focus.

If there is a Christian and Heart Support doesn’t mind this, is there anyone wanting to talk about God?

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Hey @ImKnowledge,

I’m still navigating and struggling with my own faith. I feel like I am made of a bit of different things, so it gets hard to “fit” somewhere, although Christianity and Spiritualism are what I feel closer to. All of this to say, I’m not someone who’d be able to give a bunch of interesting answers from a christian standpoint because I am full of doubts and questions myself. But I do relate to your questions, as I’ve been where you are and still sometimes feel that way too. I’m not sure to understand what God love is. At least, it’s so huge that I still have a hard time to wrap my head around it. But it’s been quite interesting to follow my own path, initiate conversations with christians as well - not as in trying to have absolute answers, but more as to understand their own experiences regarding their own faith. We can learn so much from people’s experiences.

I’d like to recommend you two things. First, please feel free to create another topic specifically regarding your questions related to God/faith. It’s absolutely okay to open one, and I’m sure there will be christians in the community to respond to you and share their views with you. EDIT: I saw that you actually dit it a day ago. Well dond, and best of luck on your faith journey!

Another thing I would like to recommend you is to have a look at GodSquad church, who are often recommended by HS whenever someone struggles with their faith and need answers. It’s a safe place/a safe community and you can absolutely spend some time during their streams on Twitch or try to schedule a meeting with one of their volunteers - so it’s more private too. I’ve been there with my own questions, resentment against God and a deep sense of injustice for many things. It’s been comforting not only to have the possibility to have a real conversation about God, but also not to be judged, and to be heard from my point of view. So, highly recommended: https://www.godsquadchurch.com/

As for your job, AVJR is right: it sounds that you need a break from it, friend. It makes sense to feel pressured and to look after ways to cope like cutting when your energy is almost entirely focused on your work. It can be slowly consuming and impact your mental health. Keeping yourself busy is understandable is you struggle while you are on your own. But, I can tell, as someone who’s always been running away from themselves, this way to cope has been more damaging to me than it was helpful. Just because, unfortunately, we can’t just bury our pain and struggles as if it doesn’t exist. We also need to learn to sit with it, to release it, at our own pace, so healing can actually happen. On this matter, a therapist/a counselor can REALLY be of a huge help. They can provide you ways to cope when you are on your own, they can give you a space where you can share your heart and get rid of your burdens even just for an hour every week. It’s so important to learn to give space and time to you, to your heart, even if it hurts at first. There is growth and healing to develop through this pain that you’ve been carrying. And with the right support, you can learn to handle that in a good way. :hrtlegolove:

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The loudest evangelists talk about sinners going to hell. It’s a strong message that is broadcast loudly. Immorality, sinful lifestyles, and godlessness are the downfall of the world. What gets overlooked, both by churchgoers and by outsiders who are fielding criticisms directed at them, is God’s infinite grace.

My wife and I made a goal to read the whole Bible last year. We did well for a few months before we fizzled out, but in that time we got most of the way through the old testament. The same story kept repeating itself: people built false idols, intermarried with pagans, stole, killed, and engaged in debauchery. It enraged God, who sent messengers to tell them that He would destroy them if they didn’t repent. When they repented, God spared them, redirected them, and continued to love them. I asked myself, when will these idiots learn? Then I realized we’re still those same idiots. We live for the money, we drink and do drugs and sleep around, and we hurt each other and ourselves. When you think of someone engaged in a party lifestyle, you don’t think of them living to 65 or beyond, but when you think of someone who has at least shifted their mindset away from the party lifestyle, they seem more grounded and peaceful, and you can imagine them living longer lives. I think that’s a manifestation of God’s grace and mercy for people who, even if they don’t believe, aren’t engaged in debauchery.

So we have this wrathful Old Testament God who threatens to destroy people if they don’t turn back to Him. Understandable that that would make you think you’re going to Hell. But there’s a sequel. The only way to get into heaven is to be pure. Humans, by nature, are sinful. There is nothing we can do to change that, we all sin in one way or another. We can’t offset it either, whether it’s being charitable or going to church every Sunday and Wednesday or even every day of the week. The Bible says in several places, “If you sin, you will surely die.” Well, that’s all of us. So God brought Jesus to earth. He was human, he felt anger and sadness and joy just like the rest of us. He hung out with whores, abusers, immigrants, poor people, sick people, disabled people, and people on high horses who thought they knew what religion was all about. But he was also sinless. He was perfect. He was the only human who could have gotten into Heaven. Then God had him brutally killed on our behalf. He was executed to a degree befitting all the combined sins of humanity. “If you sin you will surely die,” only Jesus died for us with our sins on his back. Since He was sinless, He wasn’t dying for His own sins, which meant that He was dying for ours. That’s how He saved us from eternal damnation. Churchy people like to say Jesus paid our debts and saved us, but they don’t really elaborate. I’m not sure if they themselves really understand what it means. This is what it’s all about.

Jesus’ death and resurrection was a sacrifice from God on our behalf, and a gift for us to take. Our sin debt was paid, and Hell was no longer the default. Yes God judges, but all we have to do is ask for God’s grace through Jesus, and it’s ours. Just like a father figure on Earth, God understands we’re not perfect. We’ll fuck up, and there may be consequences for that, but He loves us and wants us to become better, and hopes that we love Him in return.

You say you struggle with drugs? My brother struggled with drugs for years. In that time, my dad never hated him. He caused my dad a lot of pain, sadness, and frustration, but my dad never hated him or gave up on him, and wanted him to get better. After awhile, my dad quit bailing him out of jail and let him sit in there for his 72 hour holding period, but that wasn’t out of hate or spite, it was a consequence. When my brother finally asked for help, my parents got him into rehab within 24 hours, and when he got clean, my dad was so unbelievably happy and proud. That’s God’s love, and it’s available for all of us if we just ask. No matter how bad we fuck up, no matter if we fuck up again, we’re never too far gone to ask for help, and we’re never beyond redemption.

That got a little long-winded, but I hope it helps. For what it’s worth, I didn’t understand any of that until last year. Turns out I was also lost, but not too far gone.

If you want some perspective from a regular, imperfect person who doesn’t always understand God’s will, I’d highly recommend getting “The Embrace” by Ryan Kirby. I think it’s available in the Heart Support store. It’s a 21 day devotional, takes less than 10 minutes a day to work through, and contains first-person stories from a metal singer who’s just a lost kid at heart and doesn’t always understand or acknowledge what God wants from us. It’s real and relatable, and it’s easy enough to be doable, but still makes you think.

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I have came to the understanding that I need God in my life. I messaged someone from a band I dont wish to say I dont want to be known because I was open about suicide and what not but I dont feel this way anymore since I have come to this understanding after reading John, Roman’s, and James.
I think the purpose is that we should trust that we have faith like running the race. Through and through but I feel like the believers take it into a pride thing and become different like hypocritical as far as getting the log out of their own off own. They should know better then to judge. God isn’t looking for perfect people the bible infact says he came to save the world not to destroy it. On top of the fact it says even whole we were still sinners.

But when I started to pray about my struggled I felt a lot of weight lifted off my shoulders. To carry my burdens.

I dont take drugs I don’t need it I am so sure of this path to seek and know Who God is

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