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Wanting to die

I’m gonna be truthful with all of you and honestly I am sorry. I feel like I have failed as a person and as a Twitch streamer. I can always tell people that suicide isn’t the answer and that they should reach out to people, but honestly I can’t. I feel like I have failed friends and honestly I feel like everyone hates me. I have tried for 19 years to be posiitve and to be happy no matter what, but honestly I am at my breaking point. This year has been the worst year ever. I’ve been through a lot from a friend attempting suicide, to heartbreaks, to losing friends and so much more. It is hard to keep fighting. I wish there was an easier way to say this but honestly I am hurt and there’s no more hope. People will always say there is hope in the dark, but honestly I have lost all hope. Each day now I have had suicidal thoughts, and honestly I am at the point, that if I ever did take my own life, I know that no one would miss me. Life is freaking hard. It has gotten to the point where honestly I don’t know how much more longer I can keep on fighting. I have tried surrendering this over to God. It has all gotten to the point where honestly I am about to just walk away from God, as there is clearly no hope. If there was hope, God would just bring me out of this a long time ago. What worth is there in living anymore? I freaking have PTSD and have had PTSD episodes everyday this week. I only make people feel uncomfortable. I just want to freaking die. That’s the only thing that will bring me peace right now is if I died. I’m not gonna though. But honestly does anyone care? It doesn’t freaking feel like it. Sorry for wasting your time. I’m just gonna go act like everything is okay, even though it’s not.

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You are a genuinely good person. I read about so many good thing you have done, and if you still have close freinds, I swear you a milllion swears, they will miss you.
I don’t want you to die because it would break the hearts of the people who love you, and I swear you, they exist.

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I also do actually care about you…
I hope you find peace somehow.
I just… I don’t want you to die, because your friends care about you…
They would miss you…

Hey @DuckMakesThings, there is no need to apologize for having a rough time. It’s okay not to feel okay and you know no one will ever judge you here. <3

What you are going through doesn’t make you a failure, friend. Only human. Though I’m sorry it’s been so difficult for you lately and you’ve been feeling like no one cares. I think that is unfortunately one of the thing we’re likely to believe when we feel alone and isolated because of our struggles. I felt that way so many times. Like I’m just a burden, a failure, a waste of time and space and I’m guilty of it. It hurts to hit those dark corners of our minds and it makes reaching out so difficult. Yet you are here, Darian. You are honest, you dare to be vulnerable and share your voice. You allow people who care about you to be part of this journey with you and this is precious. You are not alone friend. You are genuinely loved and cared for. Please hold on to that truth. Let this storm pass. Keep reaching out - to the people you trust, your family, your therapist. You matter and what you are going through deserves to be heard. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you so much friend. Just everything feels like it has crashed in recently. But just thank you.

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Thank you so much Micro. It helps knowing I’m not alone in this.

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Thank you so much Micro. It helps knowing I’m not alone in this.

Of course, friend. I know healing from traumas is a messy process. It feels sometimes like being in a car with no driver in it. We’re not always in control and it can be very embarassing to face that reality. But there’s really nothing disappointing or embarassing with you. And if someone tell you otherwise, they’re just wrong.

I believe in you. You can make it through this difficult time. Take care of yourself. You are your first priority. :hrtlegolove:

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Hey dariandaotter! We posted a shorter version of your topic to our Support Wall at Houston’s LOUD Fest, and this is what people had to say to you!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XSWdYX5BOUyBNjAk9W2rntakvrFyoDYc/view?usp=sharing

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