Wanting to pick up old habits

HeartSupport Support
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Hi heart support family & friends.

I hope I posted this under a relatively correct header.

Okay I just want to talk about the urge to pick up “transgender traits” again.

First let me state that I have no problem with it other than I don’t see it as a productive part of my life anymore.

I am a male and have previously identified as female and for years, I was comfortable in a dress etc. Mostly at home and not going outside.

Part of me did want to continue down that road but never, mostly due to the hassle and what seemed a fight against nature. It just seemed like more work that I wanted.

Plus I wanted to remain in a relationship with my girlfriend at the time. She knew what I was like as it was openly discussed.

My family all know and have been supportive.

Anyway I feel like I’ve written all that as a defence.

The point that I want to get to is that I’ve been having the urge to do it again but I don’t know if it’s something I do out of a comfort feeling that I like.

I see it as unproductive for my life and I’m not searching for a boyfriend or to be with anyone.

It’s more something I like.

Anyway I haven’t been doing this for about four years now and just wondering to myself why I wish to do this again.

I have many religious beliefs and although I don’t have a problem with it per say. I don’t believe it’s something I should do. Plus it costs to much lol

But part of me just wants to pick it up again and feel happy in my own home.

I just don’t know what choice I want to make and I know it’s only mine to make.

So I don’t know why I’m posting. I don’t know if it’s something I want or not.

At the moment I’m “resisting” to do it again but I’m just wondering why after all these years I feel the urge again.

Sorry if this is kinda jumbled I’m just writing from my phone and can’t really proof read it.

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From: Rohini_868

Hi TwoWayPath,

Feeling comfortable in your own skin is a freeing thing, what that looks like to you may vary day to day, and I’d encourage you to do what brings you joy. What you wear, how you choose to present yourself, at home, outside in public, I hope that it makes you feel your best, and most confident.

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From: twixremix

hi friend,

thank you for sharing this update, my friend. i admire and appreciate your vulnerability with your identity in sharing it with your heartsupport community. while i could never speak to your personal identification, i’m of the mindset that if something is harmless and makes you happy, go for it, my friend. productivity shouldn’t stray you from embracing something that brings you comfort.

i’m so thankful that you have a supportive and understanding family, that is so awesome! if picking it back up brings you joy, comfort, and happiness, it sounds like the only downside is how much clothes cost. definitely check out thrift stores or shops with good sales (old navy is a personal favorite).

love,
twix

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Hello there,

I just wanted to welcome you back to the HeartSupport community. After reading your post, I was thinking about how to answer the part where you talk about how it costs too much. I know that there are groups on Facebook where you don’t buy anything & people are giving things away. Have you ever thought about something like that or looked at some thrift stores? There are many thrift stores that even have discount days, so there are even more savings to be had.

I want you to know that you are seen at this moment. I am proud of you for coming to HeartSupport to be encouraged. You are valid. You are enough. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you for posting and sharing your story. It must feel a little odd to suddenly start having urges to do something that you havent felt you wanted to do for a long time however it is still part of who you are and even though our live move along and change the fundamental things that make us what we are I guess dont change so occasionaly the urges will return and then its entrirely up to you how you embrace that. Yeah I bet it can be expensive but heck if you are happy then maybe a bit of extra cost is worth it. Ultimately your happiness is all that matters so you do whatever that is, you have your family behind you and a whole communtiy here that love you too, be happy in any way you wish. Much Love Lisalovesfeathers. x

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hey there, TwoWayPath! I definitely recognise you from stream chat :slight_smile: First I want to say welcome back to the forum :hrtlegolove:

I’m glad the people in your life seem supportive of you being your true self. That is so wonderful!

I think that you should do whatever makes you feel right. And especially if you enjoy doing something in the privacy of your own home even if you don’t want to do it in public then you should absolutely do that. I personally wear something at home frequently that most of society frowns upon but in the safety of my home I let myself enjoy it. I hope you do what you enjoy and what feels right for you.

If the cost of dresses and make-up is a big concern there are always clearances at stores like WalMart/Target or secondhand shops. And giveaways for makeup on different websites. There is also a website I like to ‘window shop’ on, that has a clearance page, called azazie.com. It is for wedding/bridesmaid dresses technically but some of them just look awesome. I just never wear dresses so I don’t buy any but I want them all :sweat_smile:

Just keep being the amazing person you are and keep talking to the people in your life who care about you and I think everything will go well. Hope to see you around, friend :hrtlegolove:

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Hello and welcome! You know I’ve always found it so strange that people hold such a high distinction for gendering clothing ect. I have known heterosexual men who are happy as men, but like dresses and skirts and nail Polish. They have no want of changing their gender, just enjoy different styles, patterns and colors.
Does that feel like it relates to you, or do you feel more connected to female gender? I’m not asking to be rude sorry, so if that makes you feel uncomfortable in anyway, please excuse me!
I’m proud of you for recognising that this could be something that could help make you feel more comfortable and happier. I know people who grow up in religious backgrounds or in traditional settings often have a lot of pressure from family and community in who they are meant to be.
I do hope that you feel comfortable and happy expressing yourself!

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Well that is great to hear. I wish you many hours of fun (on a budget of course) whether its primark or Prada lol. Lots of love xx

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How are you doing? I just realised I never replied to the last post you made and thought I’d pop in to see how you’ve been doing?

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I understand that these feelings must be impacting you even just a little. There’s those thoughts niggling in the back of your head. Finding a place where you can feel comfortable to be who you really are and deciding if that means full transition or something else, I can imagine must be so much to process.
I want to encourage you about these aspects- as an afab I’ve always struggled with myself as the body hair used to always lead to teasing and from a very young age it was noticeable. Now I honestly can’t be bothered shaving most of the time. Laser worked a little for me, but the expense of it because without doing it consistently it just grew back.
I never imagined someone would look at my body and find it attractive unless it was smooth and beautiful. I never knew other women also went to those lengths and it wasn’t just me. I hate how hair is seen as masculine because it’s a natural thing.
And my heart also shares the heaviness of not carrying a child. I never thought I wanted children, but being told you’re most likely sterile is sad. Talking and listening to people’s stories of their journey into parenthood has really been so beautiful. Giving birth doesn’t necessarily make you a mother just like adopting or fostering doesn’t make you less of a mother.
I know you said you have your own beliefs about that, so I won’t push it, but I do hope it encourages you that becoming a parent doesn’t always look like what we are told or imagine it to be!

Are you sister and mother encouraging and supportive as well? How did they react when you first spoke to them about what you’re going through?

Thank you for being so open and honest with us. I know it’s not always easy to do

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