Back to heartsupport

Wanting to pick up old habits

Hi heart support family & friends.

I hope I posted this under a relatively correct header.

Okay I just want to talk about the urge to pick up “transgender traits” again.

First let me state that I have no problem with it other than I don’t see it as a productive part of my life anymore.

I am a male and have previously identified as female and for years, I was comfortable in a dress etc. Mostly at home and not going outside.

Part of me did want to continue down that road but never, mostly due to the hassle and what seemed a fight against nature. It just seemed like more work that I wanted.

Plus I wanted to remain in a relationship with my girlfriend at the time. She knew what I was like as it was openly discussed.

My family all know and have been supportive.

Anyway I feel like I’ve written all that as a defence.

The point that I want to get to is that I’ve been having the urge to do it again but I don’t know if it’s something I do out of a comfort feeling that I like.

I see it as unproductive for my life and I’m not searching for a boyfriend or to be with anyone.

It’s more something I like.

Anyway I haven’t been doing this for about four years now and just wondering to myself why I wish to do this again.

I have many religious beliefs and although I don’t have a problem with it per say. I don’t believe it’s something I should do. Plus it costs to much lol

But part of me just wants to pick it up again and feel happy in my own home.

I just don’t know what choice I want to make and I know it’s only mine to make.

So I don’t know why I’m posting. I don’t know if it’s something I want or not.

At the moment I’m “resisting” to do it again but I’m just wondering why after all these years I feel the urge again.

Sorry if this is kinda jumbled I’m just writing from my phone and can’t really proof read it.

7 Likes

From: Rohini_868

Hi TwoWayPath,

Feeling comfortable in your own skin is a freeing thing, what that looks like to you may vary day to day, and I’d encourage you to do what brings you joy. What you wear, how you choose to present yourself, at home, outside in public, I hope that it makes you feel your best, and most confident.

4 Likes

From: twixremix

hi friend,

thank you for sharing this update, my friend. i admire and appreciate your vulnerability with your identity in sharing it with your heartsupport community. while i could never speak to your personal identification, i’m of the mindset that if something is harmless and makes you happy, go for it, my friend. productivity shouldn’t stray you from embracing something that brings you comfort.

i’m so thankful that you have a supportive and understanding family, that is so awesome! if picking it back up brings you joy, comfort, and happiness, it sounds like the only downside is how much clothes cost. definitely check out thrift stores or shops with good sales (old navy is a personal favorite).

love,
twix

3 Likes

Hello there,

I just wanted to welcome you back to the HeartSupport community. After reading your post, I was thinking about how to answer the part where you talk about how it costs too much. I know that there are groups on Facebook where you don’t buy anything & people are giving things away. Have you ever thought about something like that or looked at some thrift stores? There are many thrift stores that even have discount days, so there are even more savings to be had.

I want you to know that you are seen at this moment. I am proud of you for coming to HeartSupport to be encouraged. You are valid. You are enough. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

3 Likes

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you for posting and sharing your story. It must feel a little odd to suddenly start having urges to do something that you havent felt you wanted to do for a long time however it is still part of who you are and even though our live move along and change the fundamental things that make us what we are I guess dont change so occasionaly the urges will return and then its entrirely up to you how you embrace that. Yeah I bet it can be expensive but heck if you are happy then maybe a bit of extra cost is worth it. Ultimately your happiness is all that matters so you do whatever that is, you have your family behind you and a whole communtiy here that love you too, be happy in any way you wish. Much Love Lisalovesfeathers. x

4 Likes

From: eloquentpetrichor

Hey there, TwoWayPath! I definitely recognise you from stream chat :slight_smile: First I want to say welcome back to the forum :hrtlegolove:

I’m glad the people in your life seem supportive of you being your true self. That is so wonderful!

I think that you should do whatever makes you feel right. And especially if you enjoy doing something in the privacy of your own home even if you don’t want to do it in public then you should absolutely do that. I personally wear something at home frequently that most of society frowns upon but in the safety of my home I let myself enjoy it. I hope you do what you enjoy and what feels right for you.

If the cost of dresses and make-up is a big concern there are always clearances at stores like WalMart/Target or secondhand shops. And giveaways for makeup on different websites. There is also a website I like to ‘window shop’ on, that has a clearance page, called azazie.com. It is for wedding/bridesmaid dresses technically but some of them just look awesome. I just never wear dresses so I don’t buy any but I want them all :sweat_smile:

Just keep being the amazing person you are and keep talking to the people in your life who care about you and I think everything will go well. Hope to see you around, friend :hrtlegolove:

3 Likes

Hello and welcome! You know I’ve always found it so strange that people hold such a high distinction for gendering clothing ect. I have known heterosexual men who are happy as men, but like dresses and skirts and nail Polish. They have no want of changing their gender, just enjoy different styles, patterns and colors.
Does that feel like it relates to you, or do you feel more connected to female gender? I’m not asking to be rude sorry, so if that makes you feel uncomfortable in anyway, please excuse me!
I’m proud of you for recognising that this could be something that could help make you feel more comfortable and happier. I know people who grow up in religious backgrounds or in traditional settings often have a lot of pressure from family and community in who they are meant to be.
I do hope that you feel comfortable and happy expressing yourself!

1 Like

Well that is great to hear. I wish you many hours of fun (on a budget of course) whether its primark or Prada lol. Lots of love xx

1 Like

How are you doing? I just realised I never replied to the last post you made and thought I’d pop in to see how you’ve been doing?

1 Like

Hi Bimini.

That’s okay, I understand life is busy and there’s always a lot going on.

In the intrests of being transparent and open about things. I will be honest about where I am at and wouldn’t really talk about this but I will. (I’m taking this chance to open up and write about things)(for some reason i don’t like writing to myself, seems like i’m just repeating myself and see it as a waste of time)(but i know others vouch for it)

I’ve been in a mixed state about things. I guess i kinda still get upset about things. I.E. I get upset because I still hold the male architype as my main persona and I don’t feel feminine “enough” so I just switch back to maintain an easier life. Even when dressed up, but i haven’t tried makeup yet to see if that helps. (sorry if too much information, but i did remove body hair as i previously done and that does help, ie legs, armpits)

It’s a lot to shave the face everyday and 5 o’clock shadow for me.
I know of laser removal but it’s not something i really want to do.

I haven’t opened up to my mother or sister about my recent behaviour as it’s something i’ve just kept to myself. They know I’ve opened up to them in the past but as far as they know i stopped and i admit i probably should open up about this.
My dad & I don’t really talk to often but i know he will always love and support me no matter what i do in life. Had many good life talks.

I know you shouldn’t compare yourself to anyone as everyone is unique but i can’t help thinking stuff like i’ll never look like that etc.
I know everyone is a diffrent stage of life, even transwomen whom i have been listening to on YT, just for general thoughts and questions i’m asking myself. IE do i wish to take steps.

Let me state when i say upset. Yes i cry a little bit but i’m not hysterical or in a unstable mental state at least in my view.
I just know it’s from a feeling of not being fufilled in a way and being the way i want to be. Maybe because i’m hiding it and hiding it from myself.

I know it’s possible to be feminine in just a t-shirt and there doesn’t need to be all this over the top to get to a place i’m more comfortable.

I just going through all the thoughts of a transition and i know it takes years to reach a place “to be happy” ie 4+ years and i know that’s not for everything. I just don’t know if i could ever do surgery but i definitely been thinking about HRT and vocal training.

Also thinking about how maybe i would maybe want to date guys and being more open to that.

I guess i’ve got a lot of peoples ideas in my head going against me and it’s just coming to terms with what i want.

Okay kinda got my thoughts out the way. From the previous time i posted, I got a dress, cuban heel shoes for dancing and a wig, but it’s a cheap wig and it annoys me because I just cut my hair a few months back and it was almost say jawline length, so i miss my real natural hair. Although when i was growing it, i had no intention of any of this again. It just felt like something i wanted to do, but maybe i had been repressing these urges and feelings and just ignoring it all underneath.

There’s alot more reasons for not wanting to transition aswell as i can genuinely get upset about not being able to give birth. (Umm i really don’t want to say to much here) and I do hold on to some very intense beliefs.

So i guess i’m still trying to figure things out, but i was happy expressing myself more IRL aswell as online through expression. Nothing funky. I know to take it slow and not to rush into anything.

Anyway, enough for just now. I’ve put a lot down there and it’s getting late. You only asked how i was and not my full life story :slight_smile:

3 Likes

I understand that these feelings must be impacting you even just a little. There’s those thoughts niggling in the back of your head. Finding a place where you can feel comfortable to be who you really are and deciding if that means full transition or something else, I can imagine must be so much to process.
I want to encourage you about these aspects- as an afab I’ve always struggled with myself as the body hair used to always lead to teasing and from a very young age it was noticeable. Now I honestly can’t be bothered shaving most of the time. Laser worked a little for me, but the expense of it because without doing it consistently it just grew back.
I never imagined someone would look at my body and find it attractive unless it was smooth and beautiful. I never knew other women also went to those lengths and it wasn’t just me. I hate how hair is seen as masculine because it’s a natural thing.
And my heart also shares the heaviness of not carrying a child. I never thought I wanted children, but being told you’re most likely sterile is sad. Talking and listening to people’s stories of their journey into parenthood has really been so beautiful. Giving birth doesn’t necessarily make you a mother just like adopting or fostering doesn’t make you less of a mother.
I know you said you have your own beliefs about that, so I won’t push it, but I do hope it encourages you that becoming a parent doesn’t always look like what we are told or imagine it to be!

Are you sister and mother encouraging and supportive as well? How did they react when you first spoke to them about what you’re going through?

Thank you for being so open and honest with us. I know it’s not always easy to do

1 Like

Umm I’m sorry about that and the bit of confusion I may have caused. Let me try explain a bit further. I just jumped sections of things (in my head) you don’t know and left them out. I’m trying to say this without leaving gaps although I won’t be fully to explain. Because this is a public forum and certain legal restrictions. I’m trying to do my best.

I totally agree with what you said about things, about parenthood and my belief restrictions are not around these issues. It’s something else which I can’t explain. I wish I could but can’t. I have a close “friend Ben” who has a couple of children who are almost adults so I understand exactly what you’re saying. Which I won’t say too much about, but kind of relates to the subject.

I will say for subject reference about myself that I am approaching my late thirties. Just putting that out there. Yes these feelings have been affecting me for many years now and was something I mainly avoided but I’m now trying to face and explore them. I get the stereotypes of hair, I just always felt better smooth, it always felt more “me”

Tough doing this from my.phone, I only meant to look at the reply lol but ended up typing and wanted to just expand on that point and answer the ending questions.

They’re both supportive but I think my mother was maybe taken back at first. Maybe even shocked, but being the mother she is she has always supported me whatever I do. I don’t know how she would feel about me fully going that way as its been a while since we had a talk about this. I don’t know how exactly she would feel about it. She may tell me one thing but really hide how she really feels.

My.sister was definitely more easy going with it and supportive, as she has a few male friends who are in male/male relationships and I know one of her male friends she hangs out with is gay, so I know things like this don’t bother or faze her at all.

Problems is I don’t really communicate with them a whole lot about things. My mum and I are in daily contact but I’ve just not been discussing this as it’s something I’ve kept to myself so I can work through what exactly I want to say. I will make an effort tomorrow to say something and at least I’ve opened up some communication about it.

I wanted to add a little thought I remembered. Years ago when I spoke to the doctor about this. He said it was normal, as to “crossdressing” as I was a bit distressed about it but was unwilling to help about anything else (ie feeling like a female in a male body) , but it was a different world ten years ago and maybe even his own bias/beliefs plus lack of any support groups like there is these days lead to his reply.

Well I may go all out and say they sent me to a psychologist psychiatrist and diagnosed me with all sorts over the years. The last one was delusional disorder, but I’ve been called bi-polar etc and they’ve tried putting me on antipsychotics which only made me see things. So I refused their treatment and assessment. The closest thing I can nail it down to it multiple personality disorder, because each persona has its own character, thoughts and memories that the “other doesn’t”

Anyway why I told you this I don’t know but I’m not going to delete it. I had a good friend who had a PhD in psychology tell me the best advice I heard. “Don’t let anyone tell you who you are”

Quickly paraphrasing. Goodnight and G-d bless! I should rest. I just brought some stuff up to tell my story I guess.
Thanks for the chat. P.S. don’t worry about asking me anything, sometimes I’m just trying to protect certain people, things, including myself.

2 Likes

Hey!

I just wanted to leave a quick update. More of a journal now and good to just express myself, as to how things are.

I spoke to my mother and had a good wee chat. She was still a bit shocked and taken back from it all. She explained about others who had transitioned and regreted it. My mother knows of a few people. I believe either through work (NHS) or friends (family) of friends. I never tied down the details of everyone, more just listening to her stories and experiences.

Still never spoke to my sister, but my mother says there is one person in my sisters work who chops and changes coming into work with their appearence. Plus I know she is more supportive of my choices towards it.

Listening to various podcast etc and found one that gender dysmorphia was often mislabled as other mental conditions for many years and make me feel better about things in the past, especially when I probably wasn’t telling everyone I spoke to about it.

One tip about shaving i don’t know if I said before, but the wax you can put on and just wash/ rub off with a damp cloth is so much safer and faster than a shave on legs etc (a G-d sent in my opinion) Rushing shaving is so dangerous and espically if you do a lot you tend to rush through it more.

On another note I believe I made progress with was when out shopping, I almost told the cashier i was very small talking with she had nice hair, but stopped myself. Anyway the point was is that instead of being jealous and comparing myself to others. I was happy for them and more happy with myself, so that’s a bonus and step forward.

So i’ve just being reading up and listening to people and following steps to make myself feel more comfortable with things. ie pick a name a like. I’ll be honest the vocal training is SO tough, but small steps.
I’m not going to rush things and take it all day by day, because i think constantly focused on it can cause problems about not being able to reach goals that will take years to complete.
I don’t know if i’m going to be “gender fluid” and i hope i’m using that right. Right now I think i am aiming for a more femanine look, feeling and take it from there.

I did over the weekend start up a GTA character as female and streamed under transgender without a mic, just to feel better. Had some guy call me bro and was a bit annoying but i just let it go. But even being in lobbies the amount of invites i recieved was more frequent to say. Which kind of was putting me off. I forgot about all the annoying unwanted attention from males that you get. Nothing bad. Everyone wants attention but not to much. Which was making me kind of feeling off. As a man generally woman don’t bother you and same with guys. It’s a peaceful life. But i know that this is only a game and in the real world things will be tougher than this.

I’m going to try search better to become better educated in this area of life, but i reckon i’m off to a good start from where i was. I’ve not spoken to a Dr about this but will in time if I still feel the same, say a few months down the line.

“Edit: I forgot i watched a YT video from Christains you were going through similar things and just reading the hate in the comments, I was quickly able to disprove the scriptures they used against it, as i am quite well versed. So i’ve been alot happier “spirtually” as well. End edit”

I don’t know what else to say other than thanks for listening (I think i’ve covered everything i can think of for now). Take care friends.

Anyway anyone reading this, feel no obligation to write anything back. I’m in a good place and just happy to share my experience.