Warning! suicide!

(20 y.o male)i’ve been extremely suicidal this last 1.5 years and it’s only getting worse. i keep fantasizing about killing myself everyday several times. shoot my head, blow it up, stab my throat, dig my head with drill etc.

2 days ago i was blinded with rage and i thought i could take my life any moment and by a brief moment i thought i’d talk to my 10 y.o little sister and say a goodbye in case i suicida immedately. it might have been a stupid idea but that’s all i could think of atm. i came up to her and said

“i might leave sometime soon, maybe forever”
she started crying and cried for like 10 mnts and i was like

“ok ain’t no way i could suicide and leave this girl like this”

she’s the most important person to me but unfortunately that does not change my mind about suicide. i even thought of distancing myself from her so she would feel less pain but i realized that’s a stupid thing to do.

every day and night i keep raging and fantasize about killing myself and then it appears, i imagine my sister seeing my dead body in blood and crying. even if she doesn’t see, she’ll be traumatized forever. it just feels like a huge obstacle i can’t even suicide peacefully i love her so much i don’t want to have her big brother left her like that i’d feel like a horrible person for doing that to my sister i cry every day thinking about that

2 Likes

@Yerdeniz, I cannot even imagine the agony you’re living with day in and day out. As you wrote as much as you love your sister that love isn’t enough to defuse the urge/wish to die. I’m not a doctor but in the 30+years that I have coped with deep depression I’ve learned that once my brain chemistry goes bad I almost can’t think anything but dark negative thoughts. I’ve got a psychiatrist who helps me with meds and a good therapist but the darkness feels so real. Fortunately I have a couple great friends who have been at my side for almost 20 years. They remind me of the positive things I have and just stick by me. It’s very hard to battle on your own.

The amazing thing is that you’ve been suffering for over a year and have survived. That takes character.

I know you can’t think of any way to get out of the place you’re in other than death. However there ARE other options that you can’t see right now.

I’m praying for you tonight. Wish I could sit down and talk with you in person.

Hi friend,
thank you for reaching out.
this sounds very serious, but also you are aware of a important thing. suicide might seems like an end to it
all, but also it is the beginning. the people around you that love you, like your sister, your family, your friends
they have to live with that, for life. that is also my way to think of that, because you will not be there anymore,
you will not feel that anymore, but you sure will be missed.
if you don’t reach out, if you don’t speak all out and take action, no one will know that you need help. no one
will come and drag you out of this. there is no guide through life. we all have our own journey to write.
your way will be decided by your decisions, by your own mind and body. when you want to get out of this
hole, you need to climb the walls, to overcome those obstacles.
and also there is help through all of this, not only your loved ones, also help in form of a therapy, that helps
you to manage all of your feelings, that helps you how to handle situations and struggles, that can make
life easier for you, that makes your path a bit more even. there is energy needed for it, it will be draining, but
YOU should be worth the effort. you deserve that my friend. you are important. you are loved.
maybe take a look into our crisis resources, to find help, or a self help group could be something that is for
you, to see people in similiar situations and talk about all of it. do step by step, small steps also matter.

you are loved and you matter most ! have a wonderful day and feel hugged :purple_heart:

2 Likes