it’s literally 1:30 am. okay. so i’ve been really fucked over in life. so many times i just have anxiety taking over at this point. i’m used to everyone leaving me, so i’m waiting for the people i have to leave me. they drop me because they no longer need my unconditional love and support cuz there’s always someone better. i always fuck up and i end up losing people because everyone else can fuck me over and i let them back in with an apology. but the second i fuck up its time to drop me. there’s so so much more. but this is just some of it and i never know what to do because i’m waiting for the people i love to stop responding and stop being supportive and stop caring because it’s bound to happen. some of the people who still care have been in my life for four years, longer than literally anyone has been willing to stay and care. but i know they’re gonna drop me soon. like it’s just bound to happen
Thank you for sharing this with us.
I understand how it feels to be dropped as if you’re nothing when all you do is offer love and support… I’ve had people walk out of my life as if I never existed to them. When I joined this community, I had people tell me they would never leave me, and that they are right by my side every step of the way, but, even more than a year on, I have a fear they are going to leave me. However, that fear did subside for a bit.
I told myself that I can’t keep believing everyone is just going to walk out - that there are people out there like me who will stick by another persons side no matter what, it’s just that I hadn’t found them yet. So, when these people had started to help me through some low points, I kept telling myself “okay, so they HAVEN’T left - maybe there’s a chance they’ll stick around” and started to treat them as if they were telling me the truth. If those people decide to walk away, I’ll handle it when it happens… But, the best thing we can do, is understand that those people DO exist and unless we give people a chance, we won’t find them.
I hope this helps even a little. I promise you - if you come and join our streams and discord, you’ll find those friends!
I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be really hard to have people leave and make you feel unloved. Those people who hurt you and then leave you after you forgive them don’t deserve you. You deserve to have better and kinder people in your life. It’s okay to forgive someone, but not let them back in your life. There are people who won’t leave you. You have people in your life who are here, now. And I know it is scary to think they might leave too, but you can’t control the decisions of others. You can only control you. It can be so scary to take a chance on people because people can let you down, but people will also surprise you and be there for you. And if you ever need proof of that come back here to this community at HeartSupport and we will show you! We are here for you whenever you need someone.
Man, that’s so brutal…especially writing in at nighttime, I feel like that’s the time where the loneliness really sinks in…scroll through your contacts or your friends list and realize there’s not a single f–king person there who gives a shit. Can be such a brutal pain…to feel like you pour everything out and receive nothing in return…to feel like you’re just going to get shafted, and that you can predict it! You can see it coming! Because it’s happened so many times before that there’s literally no other pattern you’ve ever experienced…there are these people who have stuck around for a few years, but because of all of the other rejection and abandonment, you can’t even believe it…it feels fake, like the other shoe is destined to drop…the bitch of it is is that even when you’re with people you feel lonely because you’re looking ahead to the time they’ll leave you…so no matter what, you’re alone. It’s just who you are, you’re by yourself, no one cares, no one is going to come through for you…and when the pain of life becomes unbearable, it feels like you have no one.
I’m so sorry that you’re in that spot, friend…I remember doing the same thing in my life countless times, rolling through my mental contact list and feeling like there wasn’t a single person who could relate, who would listen, who would just love me…I felt desperately alone, and so when I thought about trying to make my life better I just thought what’s the fucking point? I can’t do this on my own…I can barely keep going…so I would just self-medicate in destructive ways, feel worse about myself, realize I still had no one, and then feel so fucking swallowed that I felt hopeless…
You’re certainly not the only one who’s ever felt that – in that sense, you are not alone! Which…hopefully is some comfort that there’s not something “especially” fucked up about you…everyone experiences this loneliness at some point or another…
The hard part of all of this is that you’ll have to address that lie that you believe that everyone will leave you…because it’s totally ruining your friendships! And even if it seems true, you have friends who have been with you for a long time, and it’s ruining those relationships…it’s not fair to them who prove to you that they’re with you – even if it’s not “forever” (only very rarely are friendships forever anyways), they’ve been loyal to you for these past few years, and to discredit their love is a real shame because they’re proving to you that someone cares…that you matter to someone! And that’s a beautiful truth to receive. Destroying that lie will open you up to receiving the love that IS around you…and even though it opens you up to being disappointed when some people leave, if they were going to leave you anyways, then being able to say “I knew they would” doesn’t make it hurt any less…all the lie is doing is isolating you from the people who are around you and making you hurt worse than ever…break free from it!! It’s not true!! Believing the truth – that you do matter, and there are people who love you and stick around – will yield good fruit in your life and in your relationships, and it’ll prove itself to be true.
Hope this helps, friend. You deserve the connection you seek.